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眨眼, I Blinked My Eyes(revised)

 
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robarts[robarts]
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六品通判
(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
六品通判<BR>(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)


注册时间: 2008-03-24
帖子: 114
来自: Canada

帖子发表于: 星期四 七月 17, 2008 2:51 pm    发表主题: 眨眼, I Blinked My Eyes(revised) 引用并回复

眨眼,顾城

--在那错误的年代,我产生了这样的“错觉”。

我坚信
我目不转睛

彩虹
在喷泉中游动
温柔地顾盼行人
我一眨眼---

就变成了一团蛇影

时钟
在教堂里栖息
沉静地嗑着时辰
我一眨眼---
就变成了一口深井

红花
在银幕上绽开
兴奋地迎接春风
我一眨眼---

就变成了一片血腥

为了坚信
我双目圆睁



English Translation

I Blinked My Eyes
--During those mistaken years I had this "illusion"

I firmly believed.
I stared steadily.

A Rainbow
swam in a fountain,
gently surveying the passers-by.
I blinked my eyes --

it turned into a ring of snakes.

A clock
perched in a church
calmly ticking the hours.
I blinked my eyes --
it turned into a deep well.

A red blossom
burst on the silver screen
excitedly welcoming the spring wind.
I blinked my eyes --

it turned into a pool of blood.

Now trying to keep my beliefs solid,
My eyes wide stay open all the time.
_________________
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.


最后进行编辑的是 robarts on 星期五 八月 01, 2008 12:39 pm, 总计第 2 次编辑
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Champagne[Champagne]
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四品府丞
(封疆大吏也!)
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注册时间: 2007-09-15
帖子: 394
来自: Nowhere & Everywhere

帖子发表于: 星期四 七月 17, 2008 9:08 pm    发表主题: Re: 眨眼, I Blinked My Eyes 引用并回复

robarts 写到:


时钟
在教堂里栖息
沉静地嗑着时辰

A clock
reposed on a church
silently cracking the hours.


It sounds odd. How about "silently marking"?
_________________
I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy.
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Lake[Lake]
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二品总督
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注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water

帖子发表于: 星期四 七月 17, 2008 10:08 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

robarts,

You translation retains the same structure as that of the original, good.

Here are my two cents if you don't mind:

silently cracking the hours - We say a clock tic tocks...

burst on the silver screen - Do you think 'silver' is needed?

it turned into a field of blood - Would 'a pool of blood' be better?

gently searching among the passers-by - 'searching', doesn't quite translate the meaning '顾盼', I'm afraid.

These are only minors, good effort though.

Cheers,

Lake
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Champagne[Champagne]
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四品府丞
(封疆大吏也!)
四品府丞<BR>(封疆大吏也!)


注册时间: 2007-09-15
帖子: 394
来自: Nowhere & Everywhere

帖子发表于: 星期五 七月 18, 2008 7:24 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

Lake 写到:


gently searching among the passers-by - 'searching', doesn't quite translate the meaning '顾盼', I'm afraid.



Yes, I agree with you.

How about "gently surveying the passers-by?"
_________________
I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy.
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fanfan[FAFAFA]
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(封疆大吏也!)
四品府丞<BR>(封疆大吏也!)


注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada

帖子发表于: 星期六 七月 19, 2008 8:43 am    发表主题: Re: 眨眼, I Blinked My Eyes 引用并回复

robarts 写到:


眨眼,顾城

--在那错误的年代,我产生了这样的“错觉”。


English Translation

I Blinked My Eyes
--During those misguided years I had this "illusion"



I think "mistaken" would be better.
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon.
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温暖的水獸[温暖的水獸]
温暖的水獸作品集

五品知州
(再努力一把就是四品大员了!)
五品知州<BR>(再努力一把就是四品大员了!)


注册时间: 2008-04-23
帖子: 153
来自: 水族箱

帖子发表于: 星期一 七月 21, 2008 11:36 am    发表主题: Re: 眨眼, I Blinked My Eyes 引用并回复

robarts 写到:


我坚信
我目不转睛

English Translation

I Blinked My Eyes
--During those misguided years I had this "illusion"

I firmly believed.
I steadily stared.



The following translation is more poetic.

I firmly believed.
I stared steadily.
_________________
舌頭那匹温暖的水獸 馴養地在小小的水族箱中 蠕動
那獸說:是的 我願意
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robarts[robarts]
robarts作品集

六品通判
(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
六品通判<BR>(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)


注册时间: 2008-03-24
帖子: 114
来自: Canada

帖子发表于: 星期四 七月 24, 2008 2:51 pm    发表主题: Re: 眨眼, I Blinked My Eyes 引用并回复

Champagne 写到:


It sounds odd. How about "silently marking"?


Yes, thanks.

温暖的水獸 写到:


The following translation is more poetic.

I firmly believed.
I stared steadily.


Thanks for your suggestion. I'll think about it.
_________________
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.


最后进行编辑的是 robarts on 星期四 七月 24, 2008 2:59 pm, 总计第 2 次编辑
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robarts[robarts]
robarts作品集

六品通判
(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
六品通判<BR>(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)


注册时间: 2008-03-24
帖子: 114
来自: Canada

帖子发表于: 星期四 七月 24, 2008 2:56 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

Lake 写到:
robarts,

You translation retains the same structure as that of the original, good.

Here are my two cents if you don't mind:

silently cracking the hours - We say a clock tic tocks...

burst on the silver screen - Do you think 'silver' is needed?

it turned into a field of blood - Would 'a pool of blood' be better?

gently searching among the passers-by - 'searching', doesn't quite translate the meaning '顾盼', I'm afraid.

These are only minors, good effort though.

Cheers,

Lake


Hi! Lake:

Thank you so much for your suggestions.
_________________
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
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robarts[robarts]
robarts作品集

六品通判
(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
六品通判<BR>(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)


注册时间: 2008-03-24
帖子: 114
来自: Canada

帖子发表于: 星期四 七月 24, 2008 2:57 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

Champagne 写到:


Lake 写到:


gently searching among the passers-by - 'searching', doesn't quite translate the meaning '顾盼', I'm afraid.



Yes, I agree with you.

How about "gently surveying the passers-by?"


Yes, thanks.
_________________
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
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fanfan[FFFFFF]
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四品府丞
(封疆大吏也!)
四品府丞<BR>(封疆大吏也!)


注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada

帖子发表于: 星期三 七月 30, 2008 3:28 pm    发表主题: Re: 眨眼, I Blinked My Eyes 引用并回复

robarts 写到:


Now trying to keep my belief solid,
I have my eyes wide open all the time.



Here are my suggestions:

Now trying to keep my belief solid,
My eyes stay wide open all the time.
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon.
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戴玨[Edgar]
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(再努力一把就是四品大员了!)
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注册时间: 2006-12-26
帖子: 213

帖子发表于: 星期四 七月 31, 2008 7:30 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

时钟
在教堂里栖息
沉静地嗑着时辰

A clock
perched in a church
calmly ticking the hours
_________________
我的blog:
http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1310527443
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robarts[robarts]
robarts作品集

六品通判
(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
六品通判<BR>(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)


注册时间: 2008-03-24
帖子: 114
来自: Canada

帖子发表于: 星期五 八月 01, 2008 12:40 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

戴玨 写到:
时钟
在教堂里栖息
沉静地嗑着时辰

A clock
perched in a church
calmly ticking the hours


fanfan 写到:


Here are my suggestions:

Now trying to keep my belief solid,
My eyes stay wide open all the time.


Thank you so much for your helpful comments.

I've revised my translation.
_________________
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
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dundas[dundas]
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五品知州
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注册时间: 2008-02-23
帖子: 214

帖子发表于: 星期二 八月 05, 2008 12:51 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

The revised translation is good. I like his poetry and have translated his Sunset (在夕光里).

I'm eager to read your comment on my translation.


This poem reads like a companion piece to his This Generation translated by Christine:

The pitch black nights have given me black eyes
with which I search for light.
_________________
My throat knew thirst before the structure
Of skin and vein around the well
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robarts[robarts]
robarts作品集

六品通判
(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
六品通判<BR>(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)


注册时间: 2008-03-24
帖子: 114
来自: Canada

帖子发表于: 星期一 九月 15, 2008 12:21 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

dundas 写到:


This poem reads like a companion piece to his This Generation translated by Christine:

The pitch black nights have given me black eyes
with which I search for light.


Good point.

What follows is another English translation of This Generation by Tony Barnstone:

The pitch black night gave me two deep black eyes
with which to search for light.
_________________
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
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fanfan[FAFAFA]
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四品府丞
(封疆大吏也!)
四品府丞<BR>(封疆大吏也!)


注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada

帖子发表于: 星期二 九月 16, 2008 8:10 am    发表主题: Re: 眨眼, I Blinked My Eyes(revised) 引用并回复

robarts 写到:


眨眼,顾城

--在那错误的年代,我产生了这样的“错觉”


彩虹
在喷泉中游动
温柔地顾盼行人


English Translation

I Blinked My Eyes
--During those mistaken years I had this "illusion"


A Rainbow
swam in a fountain,
gently surveying the passers-by.



My suggestions are as follows:

1 In those aberrant years, these were some of my "aberrations"
2 gently casting glances at the passers-by.
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon.
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