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robarts[robarts] robarts作品集 六品通判 (官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
注册时间: 2008-03-24 帖子: 114 来自: Canada
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发表于: 星期四 七月 17, 2008 2:51 pm 发表主题: 眨眼, I Blinked My Eyes(revised) |
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眨眼,顾城
--在那错误的年代,我产生了这样的“错觉”。
我坚信
我目不转睛
彩虹
在喷泉中游动
温柔地顾盼行人
我一眨眼---
就变成了一团蛇影
时钟
在教堂里栖息
沉静地嗑着时辰
我一眨眼---
就变成了一口深井
红花
在银幕上绽开
兴奋地迎接春风
我一眨眼---
就变成了一片血腥
为了坚信
我双目圆睁
English Translation
I Blinked My Eyes
--During those mistaken years I had this "illusion"
I firmly believed.
I stared steadily.
A Rainbow
swam in a fountain,
gently surveying the passers-by.
I blinked my eyes --
it turned into a ring of snakes.
A clock
perched in a church
calmly ticking the hours.
I blinked my eyes --
it turned into a deep well.
A red blossom
burst on the silver screen
excitedly welcoming the spring wind.
I blinked my eyes --
it turned into a pool of blood.
Now trying to keep my beliefs solid,
My eyes wide stay open all the time. _________________ If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
最后进行编辑的是 robarts on 星期五 八月 01, 2008 12:39 pm, 总计第 2 次编辑 |
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Champagne[Champagne] Champagne作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2007-09-15 帖子: 394 来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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发表于: 星期四 七月 17, 2008 9:08 pm 发表主题: Re: 眨眼, I Blinked My Eyes |
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robarts 写到: |
时钟
在教堂里栖息
沉静地嗑着时辰
A clock
reposed on a church
silently cracking the hours.
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It sounds odd. How about "silently marking"? _________________ I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
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Lake[Lake] Lake作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2006-10-10 帖子: 1341 来自: Sky Blue Water
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发表于: 星期四 七月 17, 2008 10:08 pm 发表主题: |
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robarts,
You translation retains the same structure as that of the original, good.
Here are my two cents if you don't mind:
silently cracking the hours - We say a clock tic tocks...
burst on the silver screen - Do you think 'silver' is needed?
it turned into a field of blood - Would 'a pool of blood' be better?
gently searching among the passers-by - 'searching', doesn't quite translate the meaning '顾盼', I'm afraid.
These are only minors, good effort though.
Cheers,
Lake |
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Champagne[Champagne] Champagne作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2007-09-15 帖子: 394 来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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发表于: 星期五 七月 18, 2008 7:24 pm 发表主题: |
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Lake 写到: |
gently searching among the passers-by - 'searching', doesn't quite translate the meaning '顾盼', I'm afraid.
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Yes, I agree with you.
How about "gently surveying the passers-by?" _________________ I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
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fanfan[FAFAFA] fanfan作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2007-12-27 帖子: 353 来自: Canada
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发表于: 星期六 七月 19, 2008 8:43 am 发表主题: Re: 眨眼, I Blinked My Eyes |
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robarts 写到: |
眨眼,顾城
--在那错误的年代,我产生了这样的“错觉”。
English Translation
I Blinked My Eyes
--During those misguided years I had this "illusion"
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I think "mistaken" would be better. _________________ Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon. |
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温暖的水獸[温暖的水獸] 温暖的水獸作品集 五品知州 (再努力一把就是四品大员了!)
注册时间: 2008-04-23 帖子: 153 来自: 水族箱
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发表于: 星期一 七月 21, 2008 11:36 am 发表主题: Re: 眨眼, I Blinked My Eyes |
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robarts 写到: |
我坚信
我目不转睛
English Translation
I Blinked My Eyes
--During those misguided years I had this "illusion"
I firmly believed.
I steadily stared.
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The following translation is more poetic.
I firmly believed.
I stared steadily. _________________ 舌頭那匹温暖的水獸 馴養地在小小的水族箱中 蠕動
那獸說:是的 我願意 |
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robarts[robarts] robarts作品集 六品通判 (官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
注册时间: 2008-03-24 帖子: 114 来自: Canada
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发表于: 星期四 七月 24, 2008 2:51 pm 发表主题: Re: 眨眼, I Blinked My Eyes |
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Champagne 写到: |
It sounds odd. How about "silently marking"? |
Yes, thanks.
温暖的水獸 写到: |
The following translation is more poetic.
I firmly believed.
I stared steadily. |
Thanks for your suggestion. I'll think about it. _________________ If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
最后进行编辑的是 robarts on 星期四 七月 24, 2008 2:59 pm, 总计第 2 次编辑 |
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robarts[robarts] robarts作品集 六品通判 (官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
注册时间: 2008-03-24 帖子: 114 来自: Canada
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发表于: 星期四 七月 24, 2008 2:56 pm 发表主题: |
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Lake 写到: | robarts,
You translation retains the same structure as that of the original, good.
Here are my two cents if you don't mind:
silently cracking the hours - We say a clock tic tocks...
burst on the silver screen - Do you think 'silver' is needed?
it turned into a field of blood - Would 'a pool of blood' be better?
gently searching among the passers-by - 'searching', doesn't quite translate the meaning '顾盼', I'm afraid.
These are only minors, good effort though.
Cheers,
Lake |
Hi! Lake:
Thank you so much for your suggestions. _________________ If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all. |
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robarts[robarts] robarts作品集 六品通判 (官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
注册时间: 2008-03-24 帖子: 114 来自: Canada
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发表于: 星期四 七月 24, 2008 2:57 pm 发表主题: |
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Champagne 写到: |
Lake 写到: |
gently searching among the passers-by - 'searching', doesn't quite translate the meaning '顾盼', I'm afraid.
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Yes, I agree with you.
How about "gently surveying the passers-by?" |
Yes, thanks. _________________ If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all. |
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返回页首 |
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fanfan[FFFFFF] fanfan作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2007-12-27 帖子: 353 来自: Canada
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发表于: 星期三 七月 30, 2008 3:28 pm 发表主题: Re: 眨眼, I Blinked My Eyes |
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robarts 写到: |
Now trying to keep my belief solid,
I have my eyes wide open all the time. |
Here are my suggestions:
Now trying to keep my belief solid,
My eyes stay wide open all the time. _________________ Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon. |
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戴玨[Edgar] 戴玨作品集 五品知州 (再努力一把就是四品大员了!)
注册时间: 2006-12-26 帖子: 213
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robarts[robarts] robarts作品集 六品通判 (官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
注册时间: 2008-03-24 帖子: 114 来自: Canada
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发表于: 星期五 八月 01, 2008 12:40 pm 发表主题: |
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戴玨 写到: | 时钟
在教堂里栖息
沉静地嗑着时辰
A clock
perched in a church
calmly ticking the hours |
fanfan 写到: |
Here are my suggestions:
Now trying to keep my belief solid,
My eyes stay wide open all the time. |
Thank you so much for your helpful comments.
I've revised my translation. _________________ If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all. |
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dundas[dundas] dundas作品集 五品知州 (再努力一把就是四品大员了!)
注册时间: 2008-02-23 帖子: 214
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发表于: 星期二 八月 05, 2008 12:51 pm 发表主题: |
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The revised translation is good. I like his poetry and have translated his Sunset (在夕光里).
I'm eager to read your comment on my translation.
This poem reads like a companion piece to his This Generation translated by Christine:
The pitch black nights have given me black eyes
with which I search for light. _________________ My throat knew thirst before the structure
Of skin and vein around the well |
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robarts[robarts] robarts作品集 六品通判 (官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
注册时间: 2008-03-24 帖子: 114 来自: Canada
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发表于: 星期一 九月 15, 2008 12:21 pm 发表主题: |
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dundas 写到: |
This poem reads like a companion piece to his This Generation translated by Christine:
The pitch black nights have given me black eyes
with which I search for light. |
Good point.
What follows is another English translation of This Generation by Tony Barnstone:
The pitch black night gave me two deep black eyes
with which to search for light. _________________ If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all. |
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fanfan[FAFAFA] fanfan作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2007-12-27 帖子: 353 来自: Canada
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发表于: 星期二 九月 16, 2008 8:10 am 发表主题: Re: 眨眼, I Blinked My Eyes(revised) |
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robarts 写到: |
眨眼,顾城
--在那错误的年代,我产生了这样的“错觉”。
彩虹
在喷泉中游动
温柔地顾盼行人
English Translation
I Blinked My Eyes
--During those mistaken years I had this "illusion"
A Rainbow
swam in a fountain,
gently surveying the passers-by.
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My suggestions are as follows:
1 In those aberrant years, these were some of my "aberrations"
2 gently casting glances at the passers-by. _________________ Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon. |
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返回页首 |
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