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anna[星子安娜]
anna作品集
Site Admin
注册时间: 2004-05-02
帖子: 7141
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 发表于: 星期四 三月 27, 2008 10:05 pm 发表主题: A Myth to Tell (Poem) |
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You never told me
how wild I was
on the far end
you called me
a rosy lotus
I did bloom once
upon the glistening pond
the clouds and fog
arose in your eyes
I turned
petals shattered
_________________
---------------------
Anna Yin
《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...
http://annapoetry.com
最后进行编辑的是 anna on 星期五 三月 28, 2008 8:39 am, 总计第 1 次编辑 |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期四 三月 27, 2008 11:35 pm 发表主题: Re: A Myth to Tell (Poem) |
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| anna 写到: | You never told me
how wild I was
in the far end
you called me
a red lotus
I did bloom once
upon the glistening pond
the clouds and fog
arised in your eyes
I turned,
petals shattered |
Another shorty. 
"arised" is wrong. Should be "arose".
I think you can ditch the comma after "I turned". |
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星子[ANNA]
星子作品集
酷我！I made it！
注册时间: 2004-06-05
帖子: 13192
来自: Toronto
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| 发表于: 星期五 三月 28, 2008 7:26 am 发表主题: |
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Hi Lake,
Thanks. I love to write short poems and last night I wrote three....
You are right, revised.
Anna
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fanfan[FFFFFF]
fanfan作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada
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| 发表于: 星期五 三月 28, 2008 1:05 pm 发表主题: Re: A Myth to Tell (Poem) |
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| anna 写到: |
I did bloom once
upon the glistening pond
the clouds and fog
arose in your eyes
I turned
petals shattered |
upon or in?
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon. |
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anna[星子安娜]
anna作品集
Site Admin
注册时间: 2004-05-02
帖子: 7141
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| 发表于: 星期五 三月 28, 2008 1:43 pm 发表主题: |
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Hi Fanfan
Upon . . .
The lotus is above the water . . .
_________________
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Anna Yin
《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...
http://annapoetry.com |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
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| 发表于: 星期六 三月 29, 2008 8:04 am 发表主题: Re: A Myth to Tell (Poem) |
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| anna 写到: |
the clouds and fog
arose in your eyes
I turned
petals shattered |
"A Myth" that left us feeling misty ("the clouds and fog / arose in your eyes") and sad ("petals shattered").
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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连南河[FAFAFA]
连南河作品集
三品按察使
（天，你是斑竹吧？）
注册时间: 2008-01-14
帖子: 861
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| 发表于: 星期日 三月 30, 2008 9:06 am 发表主题: |
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I have a lotus
Growing in my garden
And non-myth
And named 'Chinese Yellow'
Or Musella lasiocarpa 'Chinese Yellow' |
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anna[星子安娜]
anna作品集
Site Admin
注册时间: 2004-05-02
帖子: 7141
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| 发表于: 星期一 三月 31, 2008 9:02 pm 发表主题: |
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Hi eric,
I think it is better to take out "the". Clouds and fog . . .
hi 连南河
I don't know there is a name called "'Chinese Yellow'
Thank you for reading.
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Anna Yin
《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...
http://annapoetry.com |
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