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robarts[robarts]
robarts作品集
六品通判
（官儿做大了，保持廉洁哦）
注册时间: 2008-03-24
帖子: 114
来自: Canada
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 发表于: 星期二 十二月 30, 2008 10:19 am 发表主题: Gruntles and Gripes of a Married Man |
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Gruntles and Gripes of a Married Man
You, you, and you
I've slept for two decades --
just this feeling left
I, I, and I
the only man you've loved --
nothing much has changed
_________________
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
最后进行编辑的是 robarts on 星期四 一月 15, 2009 4:49 pm, 总计第 2 次编辑 |
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dundas[dundas]
dundas作品集
五品知州
（再努力一把就是四品大员了！）
注册时间: 2008-02-23
帖子: 214
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| 发表于: 星期二 十二月 30, 2008 12:54 pm 发表主题: Re: Hunband and Wife |
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| robarts 写到: |
Hunband and Wife
You, you, and you
I've slept for two decades --
just this feeling left
I, I, and I
the only man you've loved --
nothing much changed |
Nicely written in the spirit of senryu. I like your choice of words.
_________________
My throat knew thirst before the structure
Of skin and vein around the well |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
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| 发表于: 星期三 十二月 31, 2008 10:36 am 发表主题: Re: Husband and Wife |
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| robarts 写到: |
Husband and Wife
You, you, and you
I, I, and I
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Your use of the repetition of the pronouns “You” and “I” adds an emotional weight to the poem.
Below is my reply:
With a man
who is a mere male,
she smiles at around the guests.
By his wife
he sits silently,
pining for one-night stands.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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fanfan[FFFFFF]
fanfan作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada
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| 发表于: 星期四 一月 01, 2009 10:32 am 发表主题: |
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A good description of dealing with a marital relationship between a long-married, routine- stifled, couple.
I think the title is less inviting, and the scenario explored in the ericcoliu’s reply is an inevitable development for the couple described in Robart’s poem.
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon. |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期五 一月 02, 2009 11:04 am 发表主题: |
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I like the last line of the first verse "just this feeling left ".
But I'm not sure that the repetition of 'You' and 'I' really adds anything to the poem especially in such a short one, each word counts. It may work for others, but not for me, sorry.
Happy New Year! |
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robarts[robarts]
robarts作品集
六品通判
（官儿做大了，保持廉洁哦）
注册时间: 2008-03-24
帖子: 114
来自: Canada
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| 发表于: 星期一 一月 05, 2009 2:43 pm 发表主题: Re: Husband and Wife |
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| dundas 写到: |
Nicely written in the spirit of senryu. I like your choice of words. |
Yes. Thanks for your kind words.
| ericcoliu 写到: |
Below is my reply:
With a man
who is a mere male,
she smiles at around the guests.
By his wife
he sits silently,
pining for one-night stands. |
Good lines.
Thanks for your poetic reply. I like it.
_________________
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all. |
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robarts[robarts]
robarts作品集
六品通判
（官儿做大了，保持廉洁哦）
注册时间: 2008-03-24
帖子: 114
来自: Canada
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| 发表于: 星期一 一月 05, 2009 2:46 pm 发表主题: |
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| fanfan 写到: |
I think the title is less inviting, and the scenario explored in the ericcoliu’s reply is an inevitable development for the couple described in Robart’s poem. |
Yes. I'll change it.
| Lake 写到: |
But I'm not sure that the repetition of 'You' and 'I' really adds anything to the poem especially in such a short one, each word counts. It may work for others, but not for me, sorry.
Happy New Year! |
Lake, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I'll think them over and maybe revise my poem later.
Happy New Year to you.
_________________
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all. |
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robarts[robarts]
robarts作品集
六品通判
（官儿做大了，保持廉洁哦）
注册时间: 2008-03-24
帖子: 114
来自: Canada
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| 发表于: 星期四 一月 15, 2009 4:44 pm 发表主题: |
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I've revised my poem and changed its title to Gruntles and Gripes of a Married Man.
| Lake 写到: |
But I'm not sure that the repetition of 'You' and 'I' really adds anything to the poem especially in such a short one, each word counts. It may work for others, but not for me, sorry. |
Hi!Lake:
I hope my new title will give you a hint of why I use the repetition of "you" and "I."
Thanks for the close read and sharing your thoughts.
_________________
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all. |
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浴恩福[浴恩福]
浴恩福作品集
六品通判
（官儿做大了，保持廉洁哦）
注册时间: 2008-05-08
帖子: 123
来自: 多倫多
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| 发表于: 星期二 一月 27, 2009 7:04 pm 发表主题: |
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| robarts 写到: |
I hope my new title will give you a hint of why I use the repetition of "you" and "I."
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I think your new title carries emotional weight and immediacy.
I like it.
_________________
報三恩、耕三大福田 |
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