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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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 发表于: 星期三 十月 22, 2008 3:07 pm 发表主题: From the sea |
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From the sea
Mona Lisa drops
her smile, as you ride
the dashing waves,
your hair an African zest.
The equatorial sun has toned your skin,
and before your eyes
pearls lose their sheen.
A water fairy,
you tread the foam, step
onto the red dust land,
as fresh and pure as
a lotus out of water.
By the sea,
you glitter.
(Edited L6)
最后进行编辑的是 Lake on 星期六 十一月 01, 2008 9:44 pm, 总计第 1 次编辑 |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
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| 发表于: 星期三 十月 22, 2008 3:57 pm 发表主题: Re: From the sea |
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| Lake 写到: |
From the sea
your hair an African zest.
as fresh and pure as
a lotus out of water.
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Lake,
I enjoyed reading your image-dense poem, which is well framed by the opening and closing lines.
Great lines infused with contrasting images – the gem of a write
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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robarts[robarts]
robarts作品集
六品通判
（官儿做大了，保持廉洁哦）
注册时间: 2008-03-24
帖子: 114
来自: Canada
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| 发表于: 星期四 十月 23, 2008 3:34 pm 发表主题: Re: From the sea |
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| ericcoliu 写到: |
I enjoyed reading your image-dense poem, which is well framed by the opening and closing lines.
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Yes.
| Lake 写到: |
From the sea
Mona Lisa drops
her smile,
you glitter. |
I like the verbs of your choice: drop, tone, ride, tread, and glitter.
| Lake 写到: |
and your eyes have made
pearls lose their sheen.
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Not impressive.
In a nutshell, I enjoyed the read.
_________________
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all. |
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anna[星子安娜]
anna作品集
Site Admin
注册时间: 2004-05-02
帖子: 7141
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| 发表于: 星期四 十月 23, 2008 10:35 pm 发表主题: |
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Hi Lake.
I can see the change in your writing now.
Good, since I can feel the freshness.
Just wonder if Mona Lisa here fits or not.
_________________
---------------------
Anna Yin
《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...
http://annapoetry.com |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期五 十月 24, 2008 12:16 pm 发表主题: Re: From the sea |
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| ericcoliu 写到: | | Lake 写到: |
From the sea
your hair an African zest.
as fresh and pure as
a lotus out of water.
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Lake,
I enjoyed reading your image-dense poem, which is well framed by the opening and closing lines.
Great lines infused with contrasting images – the gem of a write |
Thanks Eric. It is just an ok work, not one of those gems. Cheers. |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期五 十月 24, 2008 12:24 pm 发表主题: Re: From the sea |
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| robarts 写到: |
From the sea
Mona Lisa drops
her smile,
you glitter.
I like the verbs of your choice: drop, tone, ride, tread, and glitter. |
If one word can do its job, I try not to use a phrase.
| robarts 写到: |
and your eyes have made
pearls lose their sheen.
Not impressive. |
I'm not very happy with this either. I'll add it to my Rework list. Or will this sound better?
The equatorial sun has toned your skin,
before your eyes
pearls lose their sheen.
Ideas?
Thanks much for your honest opinion.
Lake |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期五 十月 24, 2008 12:31 pm 发表主题: |
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| anna 写到: | Hi Lake.
I can see the change in your writing now.
Good, since I can feel the freshness.
Just wonder if Mona Lisa here fits or not. |
anna,
Thanks for the freshness.
Mona Lisa - that's my first impression when I saw this image of the African lady. I used Mona Lisa's smile to compare the lady's beauty. So use or not, debatable I guess.
Cheers. |
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川生[川生]
川生作品集
七品按察司
（我开始管这里的事儿了）
注册时间: 2008-09-18
帖子: 72
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| 发表于: 星期二 十月 28, 2008 12:16 pm 发表主题: |
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| Lake 写到: |
Mona Lisa - that's my first impression when I saw this image of the African lady. I used Mona Lisa's smile to compare the lady's beauty. So use or not, debatable I guess.
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In my view, if you want to idolize this African beauty, it's a good comparison due to the iconic status of Mona Lisa's smile.
By the way, I do agree with ericcoliu's comment. The lines he/she quoted is the gem of a write (not the write or all writes) as compared to the rest of the poem because of the provision of the outstanding imagery.
_________________
Lines go off in all directions. |
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东西[东西]
东西作品集
八品县丞
（又一个不小心，升了！）
注册时间: 2008-06-07
帖子: 53
来自: East_West
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| 发表于: 星期二 十月 28, 2008 2:32 pm 发表主题: |
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| 川生 写到: |
| Lake 写到: |
Mona Lisa - that's my first impression when I saw this image of the African lady. I used Mona Lisa's smile to compare the lady's beauty. So use or not, debatable I guess.
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In my view, if you want to idolize this African beauty, it's a good comparison due to the iconic status of Mona Lisa's smile.
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Maybe "mythologize" is the right word.
I agree with Robarts.
Enjoyed the read.
_________________
East is East, and West is West, and never the twain shall meet. |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期六 十一月 01, 2008 9:42 pm 发表主题: |
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川生, thanks for your read and input.
东西, oh yeah, I prefer "mythologize" to "idolize". Well captured. Thanks. |
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