酷我-北美枫

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

http://ibpc.webdelsol.com/winningpoems11.html

加了中文版的翻译。

家父的家谱图

纸上的一小点墨迹，
在父亲的眼里长出青绿的枝桠。
吸着长长的烟袋，
暮色中，
父亲勾画满腹的身世。

我可以感觉他的微笑，
在枝叶沉淀的郁香中
渐渐绽放。
而今他最钟爱的
在他的笔下煜煜生辉。

儿子，年轻有为的高级军官
女儿，备受尊敬的知名学者
（父亲极尽描摹着细节，就像母亲
精心装饰着圣诞树）
然后，我，新兴诗人。

父亲并不认识诗人，
对他而言，“新兴 ”多少有点苦树皮的味道。
（我可以感觉到他的笔的停滞）
而后，渐渐在“我”的边上浮现
一颗亮亮的晶体
鲜明地映射出“海外工程师”注释。
父亲最后的挥毫，
像是庇护异乡的“我”，
免于日子清贫地晾晒。

卷起这张微亮着的纸墨，
我把温暖留在胸间—
某年丰收后，
从我层层蛹裹的心，
我要抽出新的卷轴。

It all started from an ink spot,
my father took it as a sprouting bud.
Sucking on his smoking pipe,
he drew his long narrative
on a piece of paper.

I can sense his smile,
as leaves spread their dense fragrance:
always his favorite,
now highlighted by a brush -
son: a high-ranking officer,
daughter: a respectable scholar,
(my father decorated each with details
like my mother's Christmas tree)
then me, the would-be poet.

My father has never known poets,
and, to him, "would-be" worse than the rough bark.
(I can feel his pause)
then, a tinted soft orb beside me:
"engineer abroad" perfectly mirrored.
My father ensured his final touch
to free me from starving.

I roll up this glowing paper,
and place its warmth on my chest -
Someday at harvest,
out from the chrysalis of my heart,
I shall start a new scroll.

---old--

For five years,
my father has taken a seed,
a proud one (no doubt, himself)
to form a long narrative list
on a piece of paper.

I could smell his smile
underlining his definition
of each offspring –
son: a high-ranking army officer,
daughter: a respectable scholar,
(my father highlights the details,
I almost forget how many )
then me, the would-be poet.

My father has never known poets,
and, to him, “would be" sounds just as implausible.
But he adds a couple words beside poet:
" engineer abroad",
which he believes will make me seem
not starving to death.

I fold the paper and put it
in an old case -
Someday, when I am old,
I may start my own list.
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

川生

In my humble opinion, verb tense consistency is a problem revealed in your narrative poem.

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Hi 川生,

Thanks. I know some tense problems. Just wonder, and was confirmed they were not ok.

Now with Limf's suggestions, I revised it.

Thanks.

Anna
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

(interesting to see others' input. and I agree)

A---

i too found this engaging, but stumble over the opening lines--

For five years,
my father has taken a seed,
a proud one (no doubt, himself)
to form a long narrative list
on a piece of paper.

I could smell his smile

"seed" is important?

I understand the connection to tree, family tree, etc...but the flow didn't work for me. especially since the poem turns out to be about the narrator.

i thought the description of the "engineer abroad" was inspired.

"five years" is important?

"...smell his smile" is the right image for a smile?

suggestion:

my father makes an inventory
of his children on rice paper,
boiling hot tea at his wrist.

once the poem moves beyond these lines it becomes clear and touching.

good job.

bernie
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Since I readlly agree with the above comments, I took in their suggestions.

Now I add a new favor.

Here is my reply.

Hi Bernie

Thanks for your tips. I am glad that each time your words and suggestions inspire me.

I took your tea image and transform it to leaves' fragrance to my poem.

I hope this time, the seed, the leaves, tree connected to each other.

Anna
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

Lake · 发表于: 星期二十月 14, 2008 8:31 pm 发表主题:

anna,

How do I use this hide-and-seek function? I have a couple of poems posted here that are selected as feature poems on the other website. Can I hide them, too? Kidding.

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Hi Lake,

The final revision which is much better than the other versions I just submit for a contest. (I didn't post it here since I want to wait till Feb 2009 after the winner is chosen.

I tested that you could read previous revision here after you reply to the original post.

I certainly know how much each poem could be improved by more thinking and choices.

Anna
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

livetodream · 发表于: 星期二十月 14, 2008 10:06 pm 发表主题:

test:D

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Comments from Penshell.

This is superb. Great sonics, that opening line wow-----whatever you do, I hope you never change that opening. The sonics in L5 ----very well done and so natural too.

Cass

This is a recognizable Anna poem. Your English has really improved. i love the flow of the language. I don't know if I like this:

son: a high-ranking army officer,
daughter: a respectable scholar,

high-ranking army officer reads like a dull newspaper article about a war announcement. I wish you could find better words like "noble officer" or "fully awarded."

---don
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

The end stanza seems perfect to me.

It's a poem with mystery and emotive power that brought me pleasure in reading it.

e

Hi Anna. I think this is a fine piece! It addresses the universal issue of parental expectations, and how the children may not all meet what the father or mother have in mind for them. That opening ink spot could represent the very act of conception itself. Later on, it becomes a tale written down, or even the ink on a certificate - a metaphorical "diploma" that testifies to one's status in life.

Although the smile-as-leaves is an interesting image, I'm not totally sure you need S2. S3 seems to follow more naturally; it is the words of the "long narrative" in S1. Is the father's smile all that important? if it is, perhaps you could incorporate it into the first stanza.

....
Well done - a pleasure to read.

Brenda
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

My reply to Don... about the officer...

Hi Don,

Thank you very much. Yes. I agree with you, but in this way it may reflect my father as a strict and serious person. How do you think?

Anna
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

星子 · 发表于: 星期三十二月 17, 2008 11:52 am 发表主题:

I am glad to know that my poem won second place in IBPC for November 2008.

http://ibpc.webdelsol.com/winningpoems.html

Thanks Cass and Penshell for recommending it.

(judges are Hélène Cardona & John FitzGerald )

Anna
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星子 · 发表于: 星期三十二月 17, 2008 2:41 pm 发表主题:

This was submitted to canadian poetry contest in Oct 2008.

Then in Nov, some of my USA poet friends from Penshells nominated it for IBPC November contest.

I hope I have the good luck too in Canadian poetry contest.
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非马 · 发表于: 星期五十二月 19, 2008 5:55 pm 发表主题:

I like the English version better. 中文版里的"新兴"似乎可找到更好的词, 如"未来"?

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Thanks 非马.

I agree with you!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com