酷我-北美枫

星子 · 发表于: 星期一八月 18, 2008 2:34 pm 发表主题: That is it

I hope you still
dream of the walk
In the rain forest
I hope the rain
washes away the pain
from your soaked soul

I hope you do
picture the petals
with your naked eyes
Shivering and trembling
In unpredictable wind

It seems easier to talk
here, in the plain paper
to reveal its blossom
under the shade

but soon, it flips and turns
you will forget
and leave a blank page

That is it-
Beyond the definition
_________________

Champagne · 发表于: 星期三八月 20, 2008 7:15 am 发表主题: Re: That is me

livetodream · 发表于: 星期三八月 20, 2008 1:02 pm 发表主题:

will come back

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Hi Champagne,

Thanks.

This is written in a kind of rush. The shifting is just flowing from me. I hope it works, honestly. though not sure.

I wonder if I need to change the title: That is it

And the ending

That is it
beyond the definition
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

I revised it as That is it and got comments from others.

Annayin, I love the conceit in this beautiful poem. There are a couple of spots, that may need some tweaking, but not many!

S1L5&6 - this reads as though it should be in past tense, so 'brush' should be changed to 'brushes'. And actually, I think another word altogether would work better than brush since rain is wet and brush seems to be a difficult fit for rain. I know you want to avoid a cliche like 'wash away pain'. Hmm, is something for you contemplate.

The second strophe is beautiful. I love 'unpredictable wind'. Same thing goes for the third stroph.

Maybe you could look over your punctuation. It seems to be inconsistant. It's used in some places, but not others. Maybe you intended this?
S4L4, if you changed paper to page it would be a soft rhyme with 'shade' at the end of S3. I think it sounds nice, and not overbearing.

I get a feeling of the intricacies of love in this poem, but without a bold statement. I just really like this poem.

You, apparently understand the beauty of simplicity. Very nice poem.
yvette
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Revised:

I dream of you
walking in the rain forest,
the soft rain
washes away the pain
from your soaked soul.

I wish you could
picture the petals
with your naked eyes,
shivering and trembling
in unpredictable wind.

It is easier to talk
here, in the plain paper,
to reveal blossoms
under the shade.

but soon, it flips and turns;
you will forget
and leave a blank page.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

Lake · 发表于: 星期一八月 25, 2008 10:24 pm 发表主题:

livetodream · 发表于: 星期二八月 26, 2008 8:38 am 发表主题:

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Hi Lake,

Thanks for reading.

As for your question, here is the answer. Though I think it doesn't need to say:

It refers the paper, the relationship ...
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

Lake · 发表于: 星期二八月 26, 2008 12:44 pm 发表主题:

anna,

The reason I asked is, of course, I didn't get it at first.

A pronoun is used to refer back to a noun or take place of that noun.

In the previous stanza

It is easier to talk
here, in the plain paper,
to reveal blossoms
under the shade.

there are three nouns: paper, blossoms, shade, so I'm puzzled which noun 'it' refers to.

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Hi Lake,

I guess if I wrote it like this, it may help.

It is easy to talk the relationship and to reveal blossoms under the shade in this plain paper.

ANNA
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com