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fanfan[FAFAFA]
fanfan作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada
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 发表于: 星期三 五月 21, 2008 10:21 am 发表主题: Earthquake Haiku (Modern Haiku, revised again) |
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Earthquake Haiku
I
Amid the debris of ruined lives
The only thing moving
Was the bloodstained hand of Wenchuan
II
A waving hand --
There's hope also
In despair
III
Life after the ruins --
A makeshift tent
On parted ground
IV
A Day slow in going
Echoes
In the corners of Wenchuan
V
In Wenchuan
We walk on the roof of hell
Gazing at the flattened dreams
Note:
Wenchuan County (汶川县) is the site of the epicentre and one of the worst-hit areas of the May 12th earthquake, whose Chinese name is named after the county, making this name resonate across the nation.
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon.
最后进行编辑的是 fanfan on 星期五 五月 30, 2008 10:40 pm, 总计第 9 次编辑 |
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fanfan[FFFFFF]
fanfan作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada
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| 发表于: 星期三 五月 21, 2008 11:35 am 发表主题: |
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A reply from my China-loving friend, Mary Macdonell:
Painful and overwhelming.
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon. |
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christine[christine]
christine作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2008-02-25
帖子: 304
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| 发表于: 星期三 五月 21, 2008 1:11 pm 发表主题: |
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| fanfan 写到: |
Painful and overwhelming. |
Yes, a visually intense and emotionally charged poem.
Tears
for "the debris of ruined dreams"
a hazy moon. |
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星子[ANNA]
星子作品集
酷我！I made it！
注册时间: 2004-06-05
帖子: 13192
来自: Toronto
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| 发表于: 星期三 五月 21, 2008 2:59 pm 发表主题: |
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Amid the debris of ruined dreams
The only moving thing
Was the bloodstained hand of Wenchuan
I think the middle sentence you could change to make it better. "The only moving thing " what do you mean?
Amid the debris of ruined dreams
The pen was hold tightly
By the bloodstained hand of Wenchuan
_________________
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fanfan[FAFAFA]
fanfan作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada
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| 发表于: 星期三 五月 21, 2008 4:44 pm 发表主题: |
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Thanks for the comment. Your haiku is quite good.
| 星子 写到: |
I think the middle sentence you could change to make it better. "The only moving thing " what do you mean?
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It refers to a waving hand of a schoolboy trapped beneath the rubble of the schoolhouse.
In my view, this hand waving for help has become the symbol of glimmering hope and unspeakable despair for the May 12th earthquake.
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon.
最后进行编辑的是 fanfan on 星期四 五月 22, 2008 9:22 am, 总计第 2 次编辑 |
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fanfan[FFFFFF]
fanfan作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada
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| 发表于: 星期三 五月 21, 2008 4:46 pm 发表主题: |
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| christine 写到: |
Yes, a visually intense and emotionally charged poem.
Tears
for "the debris of ruined dreams"
a hazy moon. |
Thanks for the comment.
A waving hand --
There's hope also
in despair.
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon. |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期三 五月 21, 2008 11:18 pm 发表主题: |
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Haiku uses images to express feelings, thus the earthquake image portrayed is horrifying.
I would replace "Bloodstained Hand" with "Wenchun" in the title so that to void the repetition of "Bloodstained Hand" and set a backdrop of the earthquake. Here is my try:
Wenchuan Earthquake
amid debris of ruined dreams
waving in hope and despair
a bloodstained hand
Maybe 'hope' and 'despair' are too abstract. Or
amid debris of ruined dreams
waving in dust and cries
a bloodstained hand
Just a thought. |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
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| 发表于: 星期四 五月 22, 2008 7:55 am 发表主题: |
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| Lake 写到: |
I would replace "Bloodstained Hand" with "Wenchun" in the title so that to void the repetition of "Bloodstained Hand" and set a backdrop of the earthquake. Here is my try:
amid debris of ruined dreams
waving in dust and cries
a bloodstained hand
Just a thought. |
Yes, a good suggestion. In so doing, you can drop or re-write your note.
I like the second one.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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fanfan[FAFAFA]
fanfan作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada
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| 发表于: 星期四 五月 22, 2008 9:10 am 发表主题: |
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| Lake 写到: |
I would replace "Bloodstained Hand" with "Wenchun" in the title so that to void the repetition of "Bloodstained Hand" and set a backdrop of the earthquake. |
| ericcoliu 写到: |
Yes, a good suggestion. In so doing, you can drop or re-write your note.
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Thank both of you for your comments. They are very helpful.
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon. |
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fanfan[FFFFFF]
fanfan作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada
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| 发表于: 星期四 五月 22, 2008 9:22 am 发表主题: |
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| Lake 写到: | Haiku uses images to express feelings, thus the earthquake image portrayed is horrifying.
Wenchuan Earthquake
amid debris of ruined dreams
waving in hope and despair
a bloodstained hand
Maybe 'hope' and 'despair' are too abstract. Or
amid debris of ruined dreams
waving in dust and cries
a bloodstained hand
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Thanks for the comment.
Yes, I agree with your view on haiku.
However, your two versions of earthquake haiku, in my view, mainly evoke one dominant image while that of mine, I hope, foreground at least two contrasting images through which to convey the symbol of the Wenchuan earthquake -- glimmering hope and unspeakable despair..
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon. |
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dundas[dundas]
dundas作品集
五品知州
（再努力一把就是四品大员了！）
注册时间: 2008-02-23
帖子: 214
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| 发表于: 星期四 五月 22, 2008 1:19 pm 发表主题: |
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| fanfan 写到: |
However, your two versions of earthquake haiku, in my view, mainly evoke one dominant image while that of mine, I hope, foreground at least two contrasting images through which to convey the symbol of the Wenchuan earthquake -- glimmering hope and unspeakable despair.. |
A good point.
| fanfan 写到: |
The Bloodstained Hand (Modern Haiku)
Amid the debris of ruined dreams
The only moving thing
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Two contrasting images evocative of the symbol of the Wenchuan earthquake -- glimmering hope and unspeakable despair.
_________________
My throat knew thirst before the structure
Of skin and vein around the well |
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fanfan[FFFFFF]
fanfan作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada
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| 发表于: 星期四 五月 22, 2008 3:47 pm 发表主题: |
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| dundas 写到: |
| fanfan 写到: |
The Bloodstained Hand (Modern Haiku)
Amid the debris of ruined dreams
The only moving thing
|
Two contrasting images evocative of the symbol of the Wenchuan earthquake -- glimmering hope and unspeakable despair. |
Yes, you got them.
I've extended my piece.
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon. |
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robarts[robarts]
robarts作品集
六品通判
（官儿做大了，保持廉洁哦）
注册时间: 2008-03-24
帖子: 114
来自: Canada
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| 发表于: 星期五 五月 23, 2008 12:49 pm 发表主题: Re: Earthquake Haikus (Modern Haiku) |
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| fanfan 写到: |
Earthquake Haikus
I
Amid the debris of ruined dreams
The only moving thing
Was the bloodstained hand of Wenchuan
......
IV
In Wenchuan
We walk on the roof of Hell
Gazing at the shattered dreams
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This series of haikus begin and conclude with the dreams, which metaphorically means lives, having been ruined and shattered.
I only see the unspeakable despair instead of the glimmering hope.
_________________
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all. |
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fanfan[FFFFFF]
fanfan作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada
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| 发表于: 星期六 五月 24, 2008 8:55 am 发表主题: Re: Earthquake Haikus (Modern Haiku) |
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| robarts 写到: |
| fanfan 写到: |
Earthquake Haikus
I
Amid the debris of ruined dreams
The only moving thing
Was the bloodstained hand of Wenchuan
......
IV
In Wenchuan
We walk on the roof of Hell
Gazing at the shattered dreams
|
This series of haikus begin and conclude with the dreams, which metaphorically means lives, having been ruined and shattered.
I only see the unspeakable despair instead of the glimmering hope. |
Yes, you're right.
The more I watch the news coverage on China's earthquake, the more I get depressed; therefore, the later haikus I wrote in this series only convey the unspeakable despair:
Behold these shreds and cinders of your race,
This child and mother heaped in common wreck,
These scattered limbs beneath the marble shafts—
A hundred thousand whom the earth devours,
Who, torn and bloody, palpitating yet,
Entombed beneath their hospitable roofs,
In racking torment end their stricken lives.
-- Voltaire, the Lisbon Earthquake.
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon. |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期六 五月 24, 2008 10:06 am 发表主题: |
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| fanfan 写到: |
However, your two versions of earthquake haiku, in my view, mainly evoke one dominant image while that of mine, I hope, foreground at least two contrasting images through which to convey the symbol of the Wenchuan earthquake -- glimmering hope and unspeakable despair.. |
No objections. I wouldn't say mine is good since I didn't spend time on it, just a quick play of words. Sorry, but I didn't see the contrast of hope and despair in yours either.
I don't like 'hope' and 'despair' in the poem since as I said they are abstract (so is 'dream'), which should be avoided in haiku. The images in haiku should be suggestive of feelings, that's the reason I don't like 'dust' and 'cries' in the other version, which are too direct. Maybe modern haiku don't have to follow these rules. I don't know.
Another note: shattered /ruined dreams is a bit of a cliché, I feel. This puts me back to my poem to prune the wordiness and clumsiness and cliché if there is any.
cheers, |
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