酷我-北美枫

[星子]

We seldom talk love -
we make love.
when we stop -
we hold hands beneath the blanket.

Night falls,
you sleep sound and quiet,
I, a restless fish.

My silent talk
like a river bubbles to its ocean,
like spring rain taps on the roof;
your warm arms cross over
wrap me like a new born moon.
_________________

[[ANNA]]

We seldom talk love -
we make love.
when we stop -
we hold hands beneath the blanket.

Night falls,
you sleep sound and quiet,
I, a restless fish.

My silent talk
like a river bubbles to its ocean,
like spring rain taps on the roof;
your warm arms cross over
wrap me like a new born moon.
_________________

[Lake]

Just a quick stop by:

a new born moon

is adorable.

like spring rain taps on the roof;

; can be replaced with a period since your next line starts with an upper case letter.

Happy V Day

[[Lake]]

Just a quick stop by:

a new born moon

is adorable.

like spring rain taps on the roof;

; can be replaced with a period since your next line starts with an upper case letter.

Happy V Day

[星子]

Thank lake.

Happy V day.

Yes, the You should be you.

Anna
_________________

[[ANNA]]

Thank lake.

Happy V day.

Yes, the You should be you.

Anna
_________________

[anna]

Comments from other readers...


annayin,

love the first stanza, then a dive into poeticism that ultimately is a belly plop. I want the rawness of that first stanza. I think you need to dig for that to finish this poem.

majnun


A---


great start:

We seldom talk love -
we make love.
when we stop -
we hold hands beneath the blanket.


the sweet --

then the sour. a cook knows when to add salt, spice.


Night falls,
you sleep sound and quiet,
I, a restless fish.



the final dash that makes the dish, something unexpected --- hot choc on the ice cream --- a strawberry on the cheese ---

what do you want at the end?

sweet.

sour.

???


think haiku -- this time---

your arm crosses over


for example ---very simple.



Night falls,
you sleep sound and quiet,
I, a restless fish.


Without sound,
the moon pulls me
to her heart

one example.


simple, clear and just a touch philosophic.






Night falls,
you sleep sound and quiet,
I, a restless fish.

I circle deeper,
far from shore.
looking back
without smiling.




sour




you see what i mean.

your turn.


Bernie


Hi Anna,

I like the straightforward first stanza. I also like the way the second stanza transitions into something less straighforward.

S 3 is more problematic. I like the first two lines, which tie back into the fish metaphor. I like the way the third line depicts a different tone of talking, but the roof reference was distracting. The fish, river, ocean images are lost. Maybe something like: spring rain taps upon the water.

I like "your warm arms cross over" but the image of the new born moon was a letdown for me. If you want to keep the moon, perhaps you could find a fresher, more unexpected adjective to modify it?

HTH.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Comments from other readers...


annayin,

love the first stanza, then a dive into poeticism that ultimately is a belly plop. I want the rawness of that first stanza. I think you need to dig for that to finish this poem.

majnun


A---


great start:

We seldom talk love -
we make love.
when we stop -
we hold hands beneath the blanket.


the sweet --

then the sour. a cook knows when to add salt, spice.


Night falls,
you sleep sound and quiet,
I, a restless fish.



the final dash that makes the dish, something unexpected --- hot choc on the ice cream --- a strawberry on the cheese ---

what do you want at the end?

sweet.

sour.

???


think haiku -- this time---

your arm crosses over


for example ---very simple.



Night falls,
you sleep sound and quiet,
I, a restless fish.


Without sound,
the moon pulls me
to her heart

one example.


simple, clear and just a touch philosophic.






Night falls,
you sleep sound and quiet,
I, a restless fish.

I circle deeper,
far from shore.
looking back
without smiling.




sour




you see what i mean.

your turn.


Bernie


Hi Anna,

I like the straightforward first stanza. I also like the way the second stanza transitions into something less straighforward.

S 3 is more problematic. I like the first two lines, which tie back into the fish metaphor. I like the way the third line depicts a different tone of talking, but the roof reference was distracting. The fish, river, ocean images are lost. Maybe something like: spring rain taps upon the water.

I like "your warm arms cross over" but the image of the new born moon was a letdown for me. If you want to keep the moon, perhaps you could find a fresher, more unexpected adjective to modify it?

HTH.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com