酷我-北美枫

Lake

Flame shines upon Grandma’s last moments
Tr. Lake

Revised

Flames swallow the dry firewood
and warm the coldness
Sitting in front of the kitchen stove
as the red light licks along her wrinkles
grandma, narrowing her eyes
watches the wood turn to charcoal
then ash

No one knew
how much firewood remained in her body
as the kindling stored in each person varied
Her countenance, the way she walked
suggested there should be more
but she was burnt out, extinguished, way below our expectations
we didn't even see the last flash of light

Original

Flame swallows the dry firewood
warms the coldness
Sitting in front of the kitchen stove
as the red light licks along her wrinkles
grandma, narrowing her eyes
watches the wood turn to charcoal
then ashes

No one knows
how much firewood left in her body
as the kindling stored in each person varies
Her countenance, the way she walks
shows there should be more
She’s burnt out, extinguished, far off our expectation
we haven’t even seen the last flash of light

火焰，照耀外婆的最后时刻
沈河

火焰吃着干柴，发出的温暖
冲淡寒冷
外婆坐在灶前
红光舔着她的脸，沿着皱纹的走势
她眯着双眼，看干柴变炭
变成灰烬

谁也不知道
她的体内还剩多少干柴
因为每个人体内干柴的存贮量有多有少
看她的面容，看她的走路
应该还有很多
她烧完了，灭了，严重偏离我们的期待
连最后闪一下的光，我们都没见到

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

让我想卖火柴的小女孩的最后一刻.

Sigh.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

Lake · 发表于: 星期三十二月 10, 2008 12:05 pm 发表主题:

是，这首诗会使人产生很多联想。我读时，就想到这恐怕也是诗人的写照。

绿茶 · 发表于: 星期四十二月 11, 2008 9:45 am 发表主题:

火红的染料，倾倒在渲纸上。渲染出的暖洋洋的意境。然后再慢慢感受和暇想。

clair

温暖的水獸

ericcoliu

Lake · 发表于: 星期二十二月 16, 2008 10:56 pm 发表主题:

Thanks everyone for the contribution. The two poems I translated are pretty rough, I know that. I should've let them sit for a while. I posted them here in such a hurry just for the sake of being timely.

I'll keep all your suggestions in mind when I work on my second draft.

Thanks again.

Lake

Lake · 发表于: 星期三十二月 17, 2008 3:35 pm 发表主题:

Clair,

I think 'way below" is more precise.
Thanks for the reminder of the tense. I changed the present tense to the past for the whole second stanza. Let's see how it sounds.

温暖的水獸,

I chose "remained" to replace "is left". And the word "as" works, I think.

eric,

I'll use plural form for "Flames swallow" but leave the title in singular "Flame shines".

I like the sound flame and firewood. I'll leave it the way it is.

绿茶,

Thanks for your 意境和暇想. Your reply is very poetic.

Again, thanks everyone.

Lake

dundas

Lake · 发表于: 星期六十二月 27, 2008 4:14 pm 发表主题:

Thanks dundas.

In my original version it is "ashes".

The logic in the use of "ash" is that the singular form is symbolic of "death". Does it make any sense?

The tense in the English language is always tough.

Thanks for your input.

Happy new year!

ericcoliu · 发表于: 星期日十二月 28, 2008 6:02 pm 发表主题:

Upon second reading, I think there is a problem about verb tense consistency in your revision.

I think the Chinese version of the poem is written in the first person plural while the revision of your English translation, due to verb tense inconsistency, seems to imply a shift in perspective: the first stanza is written in the third person by an implied narrator, who witnesses grandma's last moment, and the second one the first person plural.