酷我-北美枫

Lake

（痛惜诗人沈河英年早逝，译其旧作一首，以寄哀思。）

Breeze blows over Green Dappled Stream
By Shen He
Tr. Lake

Revised

Settle down. Even rough wrinkles become
smooth when a gentle breeze blows over.
By the bank, I’m becalmed, fame and gain
disappear from my mind, noises no more.
Before a farmer fetches water, I dip my feet in.
Fish swim over, jumping from my palm to veins,
then upstream. At this moment, whispers cease
from Green Dappled Stream's lips and tongue,
because of my presence and my foot in the water.
An unknown bird, deliberately, treads
its little feet softly over the surface of the water
like an adult quietly tickling a child's armpit
with his forefinger; water splashes and sprays with
a burst of giggles. Not only do I see the laughter
but I hear the sound of Green Dappled Stream.

Original

Quiet down. Even rough wrinkles become
smooth when a gentle breeze blows over.
By the bank, I’m becalmed, fame and gain
disappear from my mind, noises no more.
Before a farmer fetches water, I dip my feet in it.
Fish swims over, jumping from my palm to vein,
then upstream. At this moment, Green Dappled Stream
stops whispering at its lips and tongue,
because of my presence and my one foot in the water.
An unknown bird, wittingly, treads
its little feet softly over the surface of the water
like an adult gently tickling a child's armpit
with his forefinger; water splashes and sprays with
a burst of giggles. Not only do I see the laughter
but also I hear the sound of Green Dappled Stream.

微风扫过青印溪
沈河

静下来。仅要微风扫过
粗糙的皱纹也会平整。在岸边
我静下来，心中的名利
收敛了，不再吵吵闹闹
我在农人挑水前，轻轻把脚放入水中
鱼儿游来，从掌心跳到我的血管，逆流而上
此时，青印溪的私语
停在唇舌间，因为我在这里
以及伸进一只脚
一只不知名的小鸟是故意的
小脚轻轻地踩过河面
像大人的食指悄悄伸进孩子的腋窝
发出的笑由水花一一表现
我不仅看到笑，还听到青印溪的声音

川生

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Thank you for sharing his poems in English.

I like his poems since they are very natural and peaceful.
_________________
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

ericcoliu

Lake · 发表于: 星期四十二月 18, 2008 9:44 pm 发表主题:

Eric,

Thanks for taking the time and trouble to go line by line, scrutinizing my translation. I must admit there are a lot more errors in this translation due to hurriedness.

Quiet down. (command?) ==> I’m becalmed (use of repetition) or Tranquility takes hold.

It could be. But reading in this context, and without an exclamation mark, I interpret it as he is gently urging himself to be still. I’ll find another expression for it.

fame and gain (not English expression) ==> fame and fortune (widely used in pop songs)

There are different translations for this expression and this is one of them. I chose it for its sound, the assonance of fame and gain here.

I dip my feet in it (redundant) ==> I did my feet

I did my feet – typo? Also I couldn’t get over with the thought that there’s a need to dip something in something. I can omit "it", but will keep "in"

Fish swims ==> Fish swim (Functioning as collective noun is more sensical)

You are right about the collective noun, it’s my carelessness.

jumping from my palm to vein ==> jumping from my palm into my veins (Honestly speaking, its Chinese version, "鱼儿游来，从掌心跳到我的血管，逆流而上," makes little sense to me in the context of the poem.

I agree 从掌心跳到我的血管 is confusing. But I try to understand it, this is what I picture: the fish swim over his palm then up to his wrist then swim away. I don't know if I have the liberty to change it.

then upstream ==> then head upstream

Tried to be economical, if it is understandable, in this economic depression.

At the moment ==> For the moment

Either will do, will it not?

stops ==> has stopped

I’m not even satisfied with the whole line though. Will work the line around.

my one foot ==> my foot (one is redundant)

Will delete one. Thanks.

in the water ==> in its waters (more realistic and poetic)

its - You mean in the stream’s water? Is it not redundant then?

the sound ==> the sounds (must be more than one type of sound)

Sound of Music, sound of birds, sound of wind etc. etc. etc.

These are my thoughts upon reading your comment. Thank you for your detailed crits. Appreciated.

Lake

PS: Are you getting interested in Shen He's poems? I guess you are. Then why not translate one you like? I'm sure you can do it well.

非马 · 发表于: 星期六十二月 20, 2008 12:44 am 发表主题:

喜欢沈河这首诗. 他英年早逝, 令人痛惜.

I like the revised version. There's a typo in the line:

from Green Dappled Steam's lips and tongue,

Lake · 发表于: 星期一十二月 22, 2008 11:48 pm 发表主题:

谢谢非马先生。别字改过来了。这就是，一边修改一边出错。