酷我-北美枫

[anna]

From this window,
it is a patch of sky, up high, a cloud floating.
Beneath its shadow, poplar trees
stand tall in rows; leaves already fallen,
thin branches capture tiny grids.

Inside: cold, no light cast down,
like an abandoned well, deep, moldy.
Two frogs keep jumping then falling,
a never ending tale, in its monotone setting.
A spider crawls in and out,
its web dangled and empty.

No one sees the boy.
From his window, all is still and in the past.
Only in his dream,
the wind blows in dry leaves
with vibrant colors and lights.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

From this window,
it is a patch of sky, up high, a cloud floating.
Beneath its shadow, poplar trees
stand tall in rows; leaves already fallen,
thin branches capture tiny grids.

Inside: cold, no light cast down,
like an abandoned well, deep, moldy.
Two frogs keep jumping then falling,
a never ending tale, in its monotone setting.
A spider crawls in and out,
its web dangled and empty.

No one sees the boy.
From his window, all is still and in the past.
Only in his dream,
the wind blows in dry leaves
with vibrant colors and lights.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[Lake]

anna,

I like the detailed description. It has a feel of being neglected or even prisoned. A couple of things:

From this window,
it is a patch of sky, a loose cloud floating. - loose, any other ideas?
beneath its far end, poplar trees stand tall in rows; - Should it be "Beneath" , in capital letter since it's the beginning of a new sentence?
leaves already fallen, thin branches capture tiny grids.- grids, didn't quite get it. You mean "window grids"?

Inside: cold, no light cast down,
like an abandoned well, deep, moldy.
Two frogs keep jumping then falling,
a never ending tale, in its monotone setting.
A spider climbs in and out, - climbs, would "crawls" better fit here?
its web dangled and empty.

No one sees The boy. - Is there a need for the capital "The"?
From his window, all is still and in the past.
The wind blow dry leaves in, - "blow"--blows. I'm tempted to change the word order to "The wind blows in dry leaves", this way to separate "in" and "with" in the following line.Then you don't need a comma after "leaves"
with vibrant colors and lights -
that is in his dream.

This is just my personal view. I see your improvement in grammar.

Cheers

[[Lake]]

anna,

I like the detailed description. It has a feel of being neglected or even prisoned. A couple of things:

From this window,
it is a patch of sky, a loose cloud floating. - loose, any other ideas?
beneath its far end, poplar trees stand tall in rows; - Should it be "Beneath" , in capital letter since it's the beginning of a new sentence?
leaves already fallen, thin branches capture tiny grids.- grids, didn't quite get it. You mean "window grids"?

Inside: cold, no light cast down,
like an abandoned well, deep, moldy.
Two frogs keep jumping then falling,
a never ending tale, in its monotone setting.
A spider climbs in and out, - climbs, would "crawls" better fit here?
its web dangled and empty.

No one sees The boy. - Is there a need for the capital "The"?
From his window, all is still and in the past.
The wind blow dry leaves in, - "blow"--blows. I'm tempted to change the word order to "The wind blows in dry leaves", this way to separate "in" and "with" in the following line.Then you don't need a comma after "leaves"
with vibrant colors and lights -
that is in his dream.

This is just my personal view. I see your improvement in grammar.

Cheers

[anna]

Hi Lake,

Yes. You are right.

Some grammar errors are due to I remove other words and didn't re-read it carefully.

The grid is the window grids, the effort is zooming in or out from the window.

There are more I hope you or others can get... from the title... the web, the grids...and the ending.

I will wait to hear more feedback.

Anna
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Hi Lake,

Yes. You are right.

Some grammar errors are due to I remove other words and didn't re-read it carefully.

The grid is the window grids, the effort is zooming in or out from the window.

There are more I hope you or others can get... from the title... the web, the grids...and the ending.

I will wait to hear more feedback.

Anna
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com