酷我-北美枫

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Hi Lake,

I guess "Words" by Sylvia Plath impressed me too much. I guess I heard the voice or the echo from it Very Happy

Though mine is silent . . . or no echo.

words could be more silent than the tickled sound, I use this as an ironic expression, as a sad statement.

the ticking sound is 沙漏's sound, as

All these years
sift through

It is quiet, it may be heard only if you pay attention and listen to . . .

This poem, I don't think it has gem inside. So I didn't work hard on it. Very Happy

I even didn't think of a title ... honestly.

Others like "Beyond the Silence" "Tsunami" etc, I like them and try to polish them ... But sometimes, too much polish is not good either.

Back to the sound of ticking... I need to change it as ticking sound.

Sometimes, we do not hear it, the sound of sand. (which is a time tool in the old time)

----BTW here is the poem by Sylvia Plath

Words

Axes
After whose stroke the wood rings,
And the echoes!
Echoes traveling
Off from the center like horses.
The sap
Wells like tears, like the
Water striving
To re-establish its mirror
Over the rock
That drops and turns,
A white skull,
Eaten by weedy greens.
Years later I
Encounter them on the road-
Words dry and riderless,
The indefatigable hoof-taps.
While
From the bottom of the pool, fixed stars
Govern a life.
_________________
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

ericcoliu · 发表于: 星期二九月 02, 2008 6:16 pm 发表主题: Re: Untitled

星子 · 发表于: 星期二九月 02, 2008 9:27 pm 发表主题:

Thanks all for reading and comments.

Now I spend some time to work on this and after I clear my thoughts, I feel I find a gem.

I remember how a sandclock sounds.
_________________

星子 · 发表于: 星期三九月 03, 2008 8:03 am 发表主题:

Comments from Penshell. I will take in and revise the poem.

Hi Anna

I like the parallel of relationship to sandclock. There are some cliches you might think about again ... 'All these years', 'Rain or shine', the 'outside world'. And perhaps the final line as ... 'than the s-ound of falling sand'? Perhaps an alternative to the '-' is doubling up, as 'Ss' or 'ss'. Just a thought.

Best wishes

michael ...
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星子 · 发表于: 星期三九月 03, 2008 8:23 am 发表主题:

I took in Michael's suggestion and revised it. Now I feel happy about the revision. Very Happy

_________________

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Comments from Don. (and I also want to thank you all for critiques, since it pushes me for improvement. )

I think this is a fine piece. One of your best. Small punctuation suggestion:

Our past eventually
sifts through.
Words
are more silent
than the Ssound of falling sand.

or

Our past eventually
sifts through
words,
more silent
than the Ssound of falling sand.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Interesting responses after I revised the line:

words
are more silent
than the sound of falling sand.

to

Our past eventually
sifts through,
silently in the Ssound
of falling sand.

Don said,

Actually I liked the previous version better. It was more mysterious. This way is too damn logical.

I agree with Don since the revision makes everything too clear . . .
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

Lake · 发表于: 星期五九月 05, 2008 1:26 pm 发表主题:

Since I brought it up, I'll finish it.
I don't know if it is a gem or not, but definitely is much better(by getting rid of 'rain or shine', 'out door' which don't add anything in my opinion) than your original one.

One more nit if you don't mind:

星子 · 发表于: 星期五九月 05, 2008 6:50 pm 发表主题:

Anna, I love the title, and I love the idea behind this poem.
The double 'S's detract, rather than add to the effect, IMO.
Here's my take, for what it's worth.

we keep turning,
missing,
hiding ourselves
in the private box

we watch as tiny rainbows burst
from each quiet raindrop

feed ourselves
on grains of sand
and space -

our past sifts through
silent in the hush
of falling.

The predominance of 's's in the poem should do the trick, without doing the double 's' thing, IMO.
Sibiliance is created naturally, rather than artificially, this way. Your words alone should
do the trick, without resorting to tricks, yes? As Russky said, yep.

P.S. I like the 'private box' because I think I understand it , but I'm not quite sure (because it's private?) A woman
is a mystery, and so is her box. Haha!

The metaphor of sand through an hourglass is not new, but I think you do it justice
with your use of space, silence, and sound. You have a beautiful mind!

mike
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末梵 · 发表于: 星期六九月 06, 2008 4:56 am 发表主题:

向星子姐问好哈~

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

comments from Cutting

I just fucking loved this. as is. dont screw around the edges of a keeper poem of this calibre. this be my kinda poetry, true to the flow sliding thru fingertips, still warm from the mind that saw it all in so few words. this really is a terrific write, high calibre stuff that really stands out to me as I browse thru the boards tonite. the simple fact that your words prompted a response from a semi comatose & highly
buzzed me, is in itself a reflection on how strongly I feel about this poem. wonderful words, wonderful words.

happy friday nite

peter
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141