酷我-北美枫

[非马]

有希望的早晨

不管天气预报员怎么说
这是个有希望的早晨

我已经看到
此呼彼应的尖锐鸟鸣
在漆黑的天空上
划出一道道
长长短短粗粗细细的弧线
透露天光


DAYBREAK

I don’t care what the weatherman says
it’s going to be a fine day

Already I can see far and near
birdcalls rise
and prick the dark sky
making slits
to let light in



A PROMISING MORNING

I don’t care what the weatherman says
this is a promising morning

here and there
I see piercing birdcalls
making slits
long and short, wide and narrow
on the black sky
to let the light in

[[FAFAFA]]

有希望的早晨

不管天气预报员怎么说
这是个有希望的早晨

我已经看到
此呼彼应的尖锐鸟鸣
在漆黑的天空上
划出一道道
长长短短粗粗细细的弧线
透露天光


DAYBREAK

I don’t care what the weatherman says
it’s going to be a fine day

Already I can see far and near
birdcalls rise
and prick the dark sky
making slits
to let light in



A PROMISING MORNING

I don’t care what the weatherman says
this is a promising morning

here and there
I see piercing birdcalls
making slits
long and short, wide and narrow
on the black sky
to let the light in

[anna]

Hi FeiMa

I think daybreak does not fit the title.

A promising morning is better, but the content is kind of plain.

I like poems not only show the wisdom but also not bored.

I like your poem about the yellow river, dandelion.

As for the promising morning, the reader may wonder why it is a promising morning, just because of the good weather?

But if you bring more details, thoughts or uplifting scenes, the poem may be more convinced.

With the title, a promising morning, the reader needs the promise and expects the promise. So if the poem ends like this, it is a little disappointed.

I know some people may say this is a dedicated short poem to let others think, but a good poem should have more layers after reading once, twice.

For me, I struggle to write this kind of poems which have multi-layers.

But I do believe it is good to work on and get out one's own comfortable zone.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Hi FeiMa

I think daybreak does not fit the title.

A promising morning is better, but the content is kind of plain.

I like poems not only show the wisdom but also not bored.

I like your poem about the yellow river, dandelion.

As for the promising morning, the reader may wonder why it is a promising morning, just because of the good weather?

But if you bring more details, thoughts or uplifting scenes, the poem may be more convinced.

With the title, a promising morning, the reader needs the promise and expects the promise. So if the poem ends like this, it is a little disappointed.

I know some people may say this is a dedicated short poem to let others think, but a good poem should have more layers after reading once, twice.

For me, I struggle to write this kind of poems which have multi-layers.

But I do believe it is good to work on and get out one's own comfortable zone.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[trueiron]

问好非马老师来了！
_________________
以满腔的热情去融熔每个焊点。
http://trueiron.spaces.live.com/default.aspx

[[烙铁子]]

问好非马老师来了！
_________________
以满腔的热情去融熔每个焊点。
http://trueiron.spaces.live.com/default.aspx

[非马]

Thank Anna for your comments. 问烙铁子好. 谢谢阅读.

[[FFFFFF]]

Thank Anna for your comments. 问烙铁子好. 谢谢阅读.

[Lake]

As I said in the other place, the two English versions are different, but with the same theme. Daybreak is a perfect English poem while A Promising Morning may work well in a bilingual edition.

I prefer the first to the latter for the strong and precise verbs used in the following:

birdcalls rise
prick the dark sky
making slits
let light in

Some may translate 不管天气预报员怎么说 as 'no matter what the weatherman says", while Mr Ma put it as 'I don’t care what the weatherman says ', the spoken English used here reveals the author's attitude, a positive attitude for a promising morning/future, a disdained attitude towards the bad weather/difficulties. So, I don't care, don't care at all!

[[Lake]]

As I said in the other place, the two English versions are different, but with the same theme. Daybreak is a perfect English poem while A Promising Morning may work well in a bilingual edition.

I prefer the first to the latter for the strong and precise verbs used in the following:

birdcalls rise
prick the dark sky
making slits
let light in

Some may translate 不管天气预报员怎么说 as 'no matter what the weatherman says", while Mr Ma put it as 'I don’t care what the weatherman says ', the spoken English used here reveals the author's attitude, a positive attitude for a promising morning/future, a disdained attitude towards the bad weather/difficulties. So, I don't care, don't care at all!