酷我-北美枫

[anna]

[[星子安娜]]

[ericcoliu]

I like the title and the vision metaphor employed throughout the first three stanzas; however, I think a critical reader may voice reservations that the concluding stanza is too moralizing and obvious in its message, which runs the risk of lacking subtlety.

Maybe you can spend some of narrative space on exploring the relationship between our vision, our eyesight, and our way of Being.
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Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul

[[ericcoliu]]

I like the title and the vision metaphor employed throughout the first three stanzas; however, I think a critical reader may voice reservations that the concluding stanza is too moralizing and obvious in its message, which runs the risk of lacking subtlety.

Maybe you can spend some of narrative space on exploring the relationship between our vision, our eyesight, and our way of Being.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul

[anna]

Hi Eric,

Thanks for reading and sharing your comments. I agree this is a little too telling.

It could extend more meaning by another way of writing.

The tone is set up by the first line, I found it is difficult to get away of the narrative voice.

So I use the title to give a hint and revise a few lines to leave more room to think.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Hi Eric,

Thanks for reading and sharing your comments. I agree this is a little too telling.

It could extend more meaning by another way of writing.

The tone is set up by the first line, I found it is difficult to get away of the narrative voice.

So I use the title to give a hint and revise a few lines to leave more room to think.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

Comments from Cuttings forum.


This is quite a paradox! The dragonfly has eyes which fragment and divide, cutting up
reality into bite-sized bits, and yet somehow the dragonfly manages to put it all together
without cutting up reality into bite-sized bits. Meanwhile, us humans
cut things up into bit-sized bits (with intellect)
without realizing the whole that holds it all together.
That's ego! Nicely shown.

I like the way you think, if indeed I 'got' this poem. If not,
I still like the way you think. Dragonflies are beautiful.

mike
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Comments from Cuttings forum.


This is quite a paradox! The dragonfly has eyes which fragment and divide, cutting up
reality into bite-sized bits, and yet somehow the dragonfly manages to put it all together
without cutting up reality into bite-sized bits. Meanwhile, us humans
cut things up into bit-sized bits (with intellect)
without realizing the whole that holds it all together.
That's ego! Nicely shown.

I like the way you think, if indeed I 'got' this poem. If not,
I still like the way you think. Dragonflies are beautiful.

mike
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

Interesting comments from Penshell.


---------------

Anna, this is very interesting. Is the last stanza referring to the eyes of humans?

Cass


I dont know which be more interesting to me, the poem or the question posed in the reply.

peter




Peter, I hope Anna doesn't mind, but my curiosity has the better of me. Why would you say that,
if you don't mind my asking? I have learned over the year never to take anything for granted in poetry!




Hi Cass and Peter,

It is interesting for Cass to ask the question and it makes me think more.

Originally I mean ours to our eyes, but afterward, I feel it could extend to our heart, our mind, So thank Cass for that and I revised the poem to make it not too obvious, but more extending...

Hope it work.

Thanks.


Regards,

Anna Yin
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Interesting comments from Penshell.


---------------

Anna, this is very interesting. Is the last stanza referring to the eyes of humans?

Cass


I dont know which be more interesting to me, the poem or the question posed in the reply.

peter




Peter, I hope Anna doesn't mind, but my curiosity has the better of me. Why would you say that,
if you don't mind my asking? I have learned over the year never to take anything for granted in poetry!




Hi Cass and Peter,

It is interesting for Cass to ask the question and it makes me think more.

Originally I mean ours to our eyes, but afterward, I feel it could extend to our heart, our mind, So thank Cass for that and I revised the poem to make it not too obvious, but more extending...

Hope it work.

Thanks.


Regards,

Anna Yin
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[Lake]

Hi anna,

I like the way you compare human eyes with those of dragonflies. I googled their eyes and found out they have two main eyes, but about 30,000 lenses in each eye, where as humans only have one in each eye. That really makes a big difference.

I am inclined to agree with Eric's point - S4 is a tad preaching.

Here is what I would do (purely subjective) with S1

How lucky these dragonflies are, - get rid of 'how lucky'.
all have thousands of eyes,
wings, transparent and light;- a period is needed here.
Swiftly, they fly near or far
low or high - free! - no need for 'free', since it is hinted in "fly near or far/low or high'.

These dragonflies
all have thousands of eyes,
wings, transparent and light.
Swiftly, they fly near or far
low or high.

See how you think.

[[Lake]]

Hi anna,

I like the way you compare human eyes with those of dragonflies. I googled their eyes and found out they have two main eyes, but about 30,000 lenses in each eye, where as humans only have one in each eye. That really makes a big difference.

I am inclined to agree with Eric's point - S4 is a tad preaching.

Here is what I would do (purely subjective) with S1

How lucky these dragonflies are, - get rid of 'how lucky'.
all have thousands of eyes,
wings, transparent and light;- a period is needed here.
Swiftly, they fly near or far
low or high - free! - no need for 'free', since it is hinted in "fly near or far/low or high'.

These dragonflies
all have thousands of eyes,
wings, transparent and light.
Swiftly, they fly near or far
low or high.

See how you think.

[anna]

Hi Lake,

S4 is the important message in the poem, it is related to S2, visions, fragment, questing the truth, or blinding the heart... the comparasion of eyes and mind . . . though it is a tad preaching. The title Survivors in fact, I want it to be an irony.

I agree with you the S1... to take out "How Lucky", since it is too childish...
Before I thought it could be kind of irony...

In your way, it is another tone, more thoughtful and placid.

Anna
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Hi Lake,

S4 is the important message in the poem, it is related to S2, visions, fragment, questing the truth, or blinding the heart... the comparasion of eyes and mind . . . though it is a tad preaching. The title Survivors in fact, I want it to be an irony.

I agree with you the S1... to take out "How Lucky", since it is too childish...
Before I thought it could be kind of irony...

In your way, it is another tone, more thoughtful and placid.

Anna
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com