酷我-北美枫

[anna]

Mother, What have you left in our old house?
Poem
by Rose's Tomb
Translate by Anna Yin

Mother, you calmly put the leftover meal into the refrigerator,
then little by little you scrape the dog food into Fatty’s bowl.
Fatty is very quiet, pretty-old with fading hair.
As usual, his tongue hangs from his mouth;
his nostrils slightly shake and he snores.
The outside world perfectly shaded away from his eyelids.
His happiness appears so natural.

Mother, you enter the small woods before our house,
your hand outstretched, caressing the rough bough.
You stroke the tree; its bough is still young
yet its bitter and astringent flavor has filled the air
and it gradually spreads among the entire woods.
They would never hear a fat old man whistling again.
They lost their own sense of hearing
among the ruins nearby and the soil beneath.
Mother, you should be familiar with this, familiar with
the stone tables and benches in each corner. On the surface,
there still remains that old husky man's smell.

The air is dry, there isn’t single rain message.
The maguey does not have a choice. It intends to be brighter, wilder,
with the posture of deep affection for passion,
but it can only listen to the wind on the silent balcony, unveiling
its pistil longer to let the sunlight prick easily and stir a death-like silent storm.

Mother, you should come back punctually in the dusk,
you should rub off the fingerprints from your eyeglasses.
Before the quake approach, you should stand
in front of the old closet longer, thinking among the flipped-over clothes
pondering which belong to that whistling fat old man.


母亲，你在老屋子里留下了什么?
文/ 玫瑰之冢

你从容的把剩下的饭菜放入冰箱中，把胖胖的口粮
一点点拨入它碗里。它很安静，老朽的样子，颓废的毛
它把舌头挂在嘴外，鼻翼轻触，它打着呼噜，它把
时间很妥当的挡在眼皮之外。它的幸福显得理所当然

母亲，你去了屋前的小树林，你把手伸向粗糙的树干
你小心的抚摸着它的身体，它尚年青，但苦涩的味道已
逐渐弥漫整片树林。它们再不能听到一个胖老头儿的
口哨声。它们把自己的听觉丢给了泥土还有咫尺之遥
尚未坍塌的废墟里。母亲，你该熟悉这里每个转角的
石桌与长椅的，它们上面还沾染着壮硕老头儿的味道

多么干燥，没有一丝雨的消息。棱叶龙舌兰愤怒的粉
无可选择。它本想更鲜艳，更招摇，更具备狂蜂浪蝶
喜爱的姿态，可是它只能在寂静的房台上听风，把蕊
吐露的更长些，让尚存的阳光轻易刺入内部，搅起
一场静寂至死的风暴。

母亲，你该在黄昏时刻准时回来，将沾染指印的眼镜
擦拭干净。晃动未来临，在旧衣柜前可以站立的更久些
被反复翻动的衣物中，有哪些是属于那个吹口哨的
胖老头儿
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Mother, What have you left in our old house?
Poem
by Rose's Tomb
Translate by Anna Yin

Mother, you calmly put the leftover meal into the refrigerator,
then little by little you scrape the dog food into Fatty’s bowl.
Fatty is very quiet, pretty-old with fading hair.
As usual, his tongue hangs from his mouth;
his nostrils slightly shake and he snores.
The outside world perfectly shaded away from his eyelids.
His happiness appears so natural.

Mother, you enter the small woods before our house,
your hand outstretched, caressing the rough bough.
You stroke the tree; its bough is still young
yet its bitter and astringent flavor has filled the air
and it gradually spreads among the entire woods.
They would never hear a fat old man whistling again.
They lost their own sense of hearing
among the ruins nearby and the soil beneath.
Mother, you should be familiar with this, familiar with
the stone tables and benches in each corner. On the surface,
there still remains that old husky man's smell.

The air is dry, there isn’t single rain message.
The maguey does not have a choice. It intends to be brighter, wilder,
with the posture of deep affection for passion,
but it can only listen to the wind on the silent balcony, unveiling
its pistil longer to let the sunlight prick easily and stir a death-like silent storm.

Mother, you should come back punctually in the dusk,
you should rub off the fingerprints from your eyeglasses.
Before the quake approach, you should stand
in front of the old closet longer, thinking among the flipped-over clothes
pondering which belong to that whistling fat old man.


母亲，你在老屋子里留下了什么?
文/ 玫瑰之冢

你从容的把剩下的饭菜放入冰箱中，把胖胖的口粮
一点点拨入它碗里。它很安静，老朽的样子，颓废的毛
它把舌头挂在嘴外，鼻翼轻触，它打着呼噜，它把
时间很妥当的挡在眼皮之外。它的幸福显得理所当然

母亲，你去了屋前的小树林，你把手伸向粗糙的树干
你小心的抚摸着它的身体，它尚年青，但苦涩的味道已
逐渐弥漫整片树林。它们再不能听到一个胖老头儿的
口哨声。它们把自己的听觉丢给了泥土还有咫尺之遥
尚未坍塌的废墟里。母亲，你该熟悉这里每个转角的
石桌与长椅的，它们上面还沾染着壮硕老头儿的味道

多么干燥，没有一丝雨的消息。棱叶龙舌兰愤怒的粉
无可选择。它本想更鲜艳，更招摇，更具备狂蜂浪蝶
喜爱的姿态，可是它只能在寂静的房台上听风，把蕊
吐露的更长些，让尚存的阳光轻易刺入内部，搅起
一场静寂至死的风暴。

母亲，你该在黄昏时刻准时回来，将沾染指印的眼镜
擦拭干净。晃动未来临，在旧衣柜前可以站立的更久些
被反复翻动的衣物中，有哪些是属于那个吹口哨的
胖老头儿
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

This piece has a big challenge for me as the verb tense sometimes shifts
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

This piece has a big challenge for me as the verb tense sometimes shifts
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[山城子]

星子辛苦了！
——我给玫瑰发过去！
_________________
诗是人生的雅伴儿。
山城茶居：http://coviews.com/weblog.php?w=46

[[*****]]

星子辛苦了！
——我给玫瑰发过去！
_________________
诗是人生的雅伴儿。
山城茶居：http://coviews.com/weblog.php?w=46

[玫瑰之冢]

看到山城子老兄的留言，特来感谢一下楼主。

辛苦了。
_________________
我的文字没有巫术，像一片云，像一棵树，我用沉默来对你说话。http://blog.sina.com.cn/xiaocmail

[[坟头]]

看到山城子老兄的留言，特来感谢一下楼主。

辛苦了。
_________________
我的文字没有巫术，像一片云，像一棵树，我用沉默来对你说话。http://blog.sina.com.cn/xiaocmail

[anna]

这个翻译在时态方面还要修改.

争取这两天再改改!
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

这个翻译在时态方面还要修改.

争取这两天再改改!
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[Lake]

Hi anna,

粗粗看了一遍。觉得有些词语译得不够贴切，一些句子还可再斟酌。先举几个例子，你看看。不见得都对。

颓废的毛 fading wool

好像狗毛一般是用 hair.

壮硕老头儿的味道grandiose old man's aroma

grandiose - magnificent, pretentious. 用来翻译"壮硕"不准确.

aroma - usually, a pleasant characteristic odor, as of a plant, spice, or food. 我不会用 aroma 译 "老头儿的味道"。

把胖胖的口粮
一点点拨入它碗里。allot the dog food into Fatty’s bowl

allot, 同样，不恰当。
这个句子，不看中文，开始还以为是把狗的食物给一个叫"胖胖的"吃。 避免歧义，可调整一下句子结构。

每个转角的
石桌与长椅
each corner of
the stone table and the bench

I would say - the stone tables and benches in each corner.

先到这。可能又说多了。

[[Lake]]

Hi anna,

粗粗看了一遍。觉得有些词语译得不够贴切，一些句子还可再斟酌。先举几个例子，你看看。不见得都对。

颓废的毛 fading wool

好像狗毛一般是用 hair.

壮硕老头儿的味道grandiose old man's aroma

grandiose - magnificent, pretentious. 用来翻译"壮硕"不准确.

aroma - usually, a pleasant characteristic odor, as of a plant, spice, or food. 我不会用 aroma 译 "老头儿的味道"。

把胖胖的口粮
一点点拨入它碗里。allot the dog food into Fatty’s bowl

allot, 同样，不恰当。
这个句子，不看中文，开始还以为是把狗的食物给一个叫"胖胖的"吃。 避免歧义，可调整一下句子结构。

每个转角的
石桌与长椅
each corner of
the stone table and the bench

I would say - the stone tables and benches in each corner.

先到这。可能又说多了。

[anna]

Hi Lake,

Thanks for comments.

I know "Allot" is too big word here. but cannot find another word. Any suggestion?

Hair is better, nomal for a dog.

老头是什么味道,I don't know. sweaty?


the stone tables and benches in each corner, I agree , better.

Anyway, still have a lot to revise. 我们都知道,翻译是需要很多遍的修改和校正. 可惜很多时候,我耐心不够,尤其长一点的...

不过我还是觉得有些句可以不翻译, 我翻译还是看感觉和意思到了没有.

我自己翻译自己诗歌时,也存在这个问题. 有些根本我就不能翻译.

山城子选的这首诗歌很好,很独特. 风格和我完全不同,翻译是很好的学习.

每个写者要找到自己独特且多变的VOICE is a challenge, 在翻译中却要局限自己的这些VOICE,更难.

谢谢.

ANNA
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Hi Lake,

Thanks for comments.

I know "Allot" is too big word here. but cannot find another word. Any suggestion?

Hair is better, nomal for a dog.

老头是什么味道,I don't know. sweaty?


the stone tables and benches in each corner, I agree , better.

Anyway, still have a lot to revise. 我们都知道,翻译是需要很多遍的修改和校正. 可惜很多时候,我耐心不够,尤其长一点的...

不过我还是觉得有些句可以不翻译, 我翻译还是看感觉和意思到了没有.

我自己翻译自己诗歌时,也存在这个问题. 有些根本我就不能翻译.

山城子选的这首诗歌很好,很独特. 风格和我完全不同,翻译是很好的学习.

每个写者要找到自己独特且多变的VOICE is a challenge, 在翻译中却要局限自己的这些VOICE,更难.

谢谢.

ANNA
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[Lake]

同意，翻译是一种很好的学习方法，也是一门学问。不容易，所以我做得不多。

[[Lake]]

同意，翻译是一种很好的学习方法，也是一门学问。不容易，所以我做得不多。

[星子]

Hi Lake,

Thanks. In fact, I am a good listener regarding to comments. Thus in short time, I make many friends and make a lot of progresses.

That is why I also post comments from penshell, there are many my friends there to share their suggestions. I post my old versions and their comments for other people to compare, to see how words could be changed in different meaning. Otherwise, I needn't post here.

If you read them, you know how I take in others' hints, and improve the poems.

http://www.coviews.com/viewtopic.php?t=38893

http://www.coviews.com/viewtopic.php?t=38874 (Please see the two versions and comments about Poem titled The Slap On Her Face)
_________________

[[ANNA]]

Hi Lake,

Thanks. In fact, I am a good listener regarding to comments. Thus in short time, I make many friends and make a lot of progresses.

That is why I also post comments from penshell, there are many my friends there to share their suggestions. I post my old versions and their comments for other people to compare, to see how words could be changed in different meaning. Otherwise, I needn't post here.

If you read them, you know how I take in others' hints, and improve the poems.

http://www.coviews.com/viewtopic.php?t=38893

http://www.coviews.com/viewtopic.php?t=38874 (Please see the two versions and comments about Poem titled The Slap On Her Face)
_________________

[anna]

Comments for Penshell forum

Anna,

I like the repetition of "mother" in this. I think it works very well.


Cass.

I really like this one. It has real depth.. YOu foud a good thing to translate. As usualI have made some usage suggestions.


Mother, you calmly put the leftover meal into the refrigerator,
then little by little you scrape the dog food into Fatty's bowl.
Fatty is very quiet, pretty old with fading hair.
As usual, it hangs its tongue from its mouth;
its nostrils slightly shake and snore.
The outside world perfectly shaded away from its eyelids.
Its happiness appears so natural.

Mother, you enter the small woods in front of our house,
outstretch your hand caring for the rough bough.
You stroke the tree; its bough is still young
yet its bitter and astringent flavor has filled the air
and it gradually spreads around the entire woods.
They would never hear a fat old man whistling again.
They lost their own sense of hearing
among the ruins nearby and the soil beneath.
Mother, you should be familiar with this place, familiar with
the stone tables and benches in each corner. On the surface of them,
there still remains that old husky man's smell.

The air is dry, there isn't single rain message.
The maguey does not have a choice. It intends to be brighter, wilder,
with the pose of deep affection for passion,
but it only can listen to the wind on the silent balcony, unveiling
its pistil longer to let the sunlight prick easily and stir a death-like silent storm.

Mother, you should come back punctually in the dusk,
you should rub off the fingerprints from your eyeglasses.
Before the quake approaches, you should stand longer
in front of the old closet, thinking among the flipped-over clothes
pondering which belonged to that whistling fat old man.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Comments for Penshell forum

Anna,

I like the repetition of "mother" in this. I think it works very well.


Cass.

I really like this one. It has real depth.. YOu foud a good thing to translate. As usualI have made some usage suggestions.


Mother, you calmly put the leftover meal into the refrigerator,
then little by little you scrape the dog food into Fatty's bowl.
Fatty is very quiet, pretty old with fading hair.
As usual, it hangs its tongue from its mouth;
its nostrils slightly shake and snore.
The outside world perfectly shaded away from its eyelids.
Its happiness appears so natural.

Mother, you enter the small woods in front of our house,
outstretch your hand caring for the rough bough.
You stroke the tree; its bough is still young
yet its bitter and astringent flavor has filled the air
and it gradually spreads around the entire woods.
They would never hear a fat old man whistling again.
They lost their own sense of hearing
among the ruins nearby and the soil beneath.
Mother, you should be familiar with this place, familiar with
the stone tables and benches in each corner. On the surface of them,
there still remains that old husky man's smell.

The air is dry, there isn't single rain message.
The maguey does not have a choice. It intends to be brighter, wilder,
with the pose of deep affection for passion,
but it only can listen to the wind on the silent balcony, unveiling
its pistil longer to let the sunlight prick easily and stir a death-like silent storm.

Mother, you should come back punctually in the dusk,
you should rub off the fingerprints from your eyeglasses.
Before the quake approaches, you should stand longer
in front of the old closet, thinking among the flipped-over clothes
pondering which belonged to that whistling fat old man.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com