酷我-北美枫

[星子]

They start with a question, a promise,
hangs as a shiny apple, our spirits uplift.

We are conjured:
Now is the time
to refresh our life.

For years, we sat in a small cubicle,
thinking and dreaming . . .
the world beyond our box.

Finally, we celebrate our courage and determination
to come here for enlightenment and solution,
in an official holiday.

Yet, here we are,
sitting --
each, perfect audience.

Rows of speakers brag their success,
with an obvious purpose --
money!

This Family Day, their promise
fades away;
We smile with faint agreement,
they end with the goal of wealth.
_________________

[[ANNA]]

They start with a question, a promise,
hangs as a shiny apple, our spirits uplift.

We are conjured:
Now is the time
to refresh our life.

For years, we sat in a small cubicle,
thinking and dreaming . . .
the world beyond our box.

Finally, we celebrate our courage and determination
to come here for enlightenment and solution,
in an official holiday.

Yet, here we are,
sitting --
each, perfect audience.

Rows of speakers brag their success,
with an obvious purpose --
money!

This Family Day, their promise
fades away;
We smile with faint agreement,
they end with the goal of wealth.
_________________

[swan.eagle]

星子：
元宵节快乐!
Swan
_________________
作品集 http://www.coviews.com/viewtopic.php?p=174481
诗集 http://www.coviews.com/viewtopic.php?p=174480
《勃朗宁夫人抒情十四行诗》http://coviews.com/viewtopic.php?p=277439#277439
在诗歌领域，没有哪一样能像童话，包容无限。

[[shinegirl]]

星子：
元宵节快乐!
Swan
_________________
作品集 http://www.coviews.com/viewtopic.php?p=174481
诗集 http://www.coviews.com/viewtopic.php?p=174480
《勃朗宁夫人抒情十四行诗》http://coviews.com/viewtopic.php?p=277439#277439
在诗歌领域，没有哪一样能像童话，包容无限。

[星子]

[[ANNA]]

[Lake]

Well, that's what in people's mind, who live in a world of materials.

A few thoughts:

S1, L2, "That hangs like a shiny apple"

What does 'That' refer to? Their question, promise?

S3, L1, "For years, we sit in a small cubicle"

Would it be better to change the tense to

For years, we've been sitting...

S4, "Finally, we celebrate our courage and determination:
the first time, Family Day, officially as a holiday,
we come here for enlightenment and solution. "

I think this stanza needs a little more work, it lacks linkage between the lines. Methinks.

S5, L3, "prefect audience"

What is 'prefect audience'?

it is just me, though.

[[Lake]]

Well, that's what in people's mind, who live in a world of materials.

A few thoughts:

S1, L2, "That hangs like a shiny apple"

What does 'That' refer to? Their question, promise?

S3, L1, "For years, we sit in a small cubicle"

Would it be better to change the tense to

For years, we've been sitting...

S4, "Finally, we celebrate our courage and determination:
the first time, Family Day, officially as a holiday,
we come here for enlightenment and solution. "

I think this stanza needs a little more work, it lacks linkage between the lines. Methinks.

S5, L3, "prefect audience"

What is 'prefect audience'?

it is just me, though.

[星子]

Hi Lake,

Thank you very much.

You pointed many errors with very good suggestions. I revised it.

Thanks.

Anna
_________________

[[ANNA]]

Hi Lake,

Thank you very much.

You pointed many errors with very good suggestions. I revised it.

Thanks.

Anna
_________________

[星子]

Comments from Penshell.

lavender, an interesting read, unfortunately it all comes down to money for some.

This could be tightened here and there:

They start with a question(,) [and]a promise,
hang(s) [ing] as a shiny apple, our spirits uplift.

We are conjured [up]:
Now is the time
to refresh our life.

For years, we [have been sitting] (sat) in a small cubicle,
thinking and dreaming . . .
the world beyond our box.

Finally, we celebrate our courage(,) [ and] determination
to come here for enlightenment and solution,
in an official holiday.

Yet, here we are,
sitting --
each, perfect audience.

Rows of speakers brag about their success,
with an obvious purpose --
[money!]

the Family Day, their promise
fades away; smiling
with faint agreement, they end
with the goal of wealth.


Kathy
_________________

[[ANNA]]

Comments from Penshell.

lavender, an interesting read, unfortunately it all comes down to money for some.

This could be tightened here and there:

They start with a question(,) [and]a promise,
hang(s) [ing] as a shiny apple, our spirits uplift.

We are conjured [up]:
Now is the time
to refresh our life.

For years, we [have been sitting] (sat) in a small cubicle,
thinking and dreaming . . .
the world beyond our box.

Finally, we celebrate our courage(,) [ and] determination
to come here for enlightenment and solution,
in an official holiday.

Yet, here we are,
sitting --
each, perfect audience.

Rows of speakers brag about their success,
with an obvious purpose --
[money!]

the Family Day, their promise
fades away; smiling
with faint agreement, they end
with the goal of wealth.


Kathy
_________________