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A Swampy Pond (Haibun, revised)

 
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Champagne[Champagne]
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注册时间: 2007-09-15
帖子: 394
来自: Nowhere & Everywhere

帖子发表于: 星期四 一月 10, 2008 9:13 am    发表主题: A Swampy Pond (Haibun, revised) 引用并回复

A Swampy Pond

It has been years. One hot summer afternoon, I was standing by a pond near my gated community, enjoying the breathtaking scenery. All of a sudden, a snake quickly passed by my right foot, in no time, twisting across the dark surface of the water and into the pond. My first encounter with a snake made me re-think the Genesis account of the fall of Adam and Eve and of the drastic consequence of their fall.

To me, human life is never merely suffering, but it is neither bright nor joyful. When I think of human nature, I tend to bend down in a vaguely dark, damp place, something which does not easily allow light in, like a swampy pond. When one is gradually being dragged into this muddy pond, everything depends on whether one will sleep in the dark depths like a fallen leaf into the pond's light-less bottom to fall asleep there or discover a streak of the majestic light of grace.


The swampy pond;
A snake twists into --
Ripples in the shadow.
_________________
I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy.


最后进行编辑的是 Champagne on 星期二 一月 15, 2008 12:13 am, 总计第 3 次编辑
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fanfan[FFFFFF]
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(封疆大吏也!)
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注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada

帖子发表于: 星期四 一月 10, 2008 4:35 pm    发表主题: Re: A Swampy Pond (Haibun) 引用并回复

Champagne 写到:


My first encounter with a snake made me re-think the Genesis account of the fall of Adam and Eve and of the drastic consequence of their fall.

The swampy pond;
A snake twists into --
Ripples of sin.



It’s a Christian-tainted version of the favourite frog haiku by Zen Buddhist Master, Matsuo Basho.

The original Japanese:

Furu ike ya
kawazu tobikomu
mizu no oto


The English translation by D.T. Suzuki

Into the ancient pond
A frog jumps
Water’s sound!
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon.
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Champagne[Champagne]
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四品府丞
(封疆大吏也!)
四品府丞<BR>(封疆大吏也!)


注册时间: 2007-09-15
帖子: 394
来自: Nowhere & Everywhere

帖子发表于: 星期五 一月 11, 2008 4:55 pm    发表主题: Re: A Swampy Pond (Haibun) 引用并回复

fanfan 写到:


It’s a Christian-tainted version of the favourite frog haiku by Zen Buddhist Master, Matsuo Basho.



It's not a Christian-tainted version of Basho's frog haiku.

My piece reveals a different attitude toward nature and the human condition.

Consider the manner in which two exceptional poets describe their encounters with an ordinary flower.

Here's the haiku of Basho:

When I look carefully

I see the nazuna blooming

By the hedge!

What follows are the words of Alfred, Lord Tennyson:

Flower in the crannied wall,

I pluck you out of the crannies; --

Hold you here, root and all, in my hand,

Little flower -- but if I could understand

What you are, root and all, and all in all,

I should know what God and man is.
_________________
I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy.
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fanfan[FFFFFF]
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注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada

帖子发表于: 星期五 一月 11, 2008 9:19 pm    发表主题: Re: A Swampy Pond (Haibun) 引用并回复

Champagne 写到:


My piece reveals a different attitude toward nature and the human condition.




Like ripples in a pond the effects of Adam's revolt expand and increase through generations.
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon.
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Lake[Lake]
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注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water

帖子发表于: 星期日 一月 13, 2008 3:56 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

Funny, this time I read from the end to the beginning, from Haiku to the prose. After reading the Haiku, I thought about Adam and Eve thing, but didn't feel it is religion related but philosophy tinted especially in paragraph 2. I see the linkage between P1 and P2 but not so sure about this sentence in writing Haibun "For the most part, the style avoids philosophical comment." Either way, it is well put and very thoughtful.

One nit:

引用:
I was standing by a pond near to my gated community


Should 'to' be left out?

Have nice weekend.
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Champagne[Champagne]
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(封疆大吏也!)
四品府丞<BR>(封疆大吏也!)


注册时间: 2007-09-15
帖子: 394
来自: Nowhere & Everywhere

帖子发表于: 星期一 一月 14, 2008 9:41 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

Lake 写到:


I see the linkage between P1 and P2 but not so sure about this sentence in writing Haibun



How about "Ripples in the shadow"?


Lake 写到:


this time I read from the end to the beginning, from Haiku to the prose. After reading the Haiku, I thought about Adam and Eve thing, but didn't feel it is religion related but philosophy tinted especially in paragraph 2.

Should 'to' be left out?



A creative way of reading my piece.

Yes, 'to' should be left out.

Thanks for reading and commenting on my haibun.
_________________
I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy.
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
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注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada

帖子发表于: 星期二 一月 15, 2008 9:14 am    发表主题: Re: A Swampy Pond (Haibun, revised) 引用并回复

Champagne 写到:


A Swampy Pond

My first encounter with a snake made me re-think the Genesis account of the fall of Adam and Eve and of the drastic consequence of their fall.

The swampy pond;
A snake twists into --
Ripples in the shadow.


Ripples in the shadow of Adam's revolt [Sin]?

As human beings we come and go just like ripples in a swampy pond.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul
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Champagne[Champagne]
Champagne作品集

四品府丞
(封疆大吏也!)
四品府丞<BR>(封疆大吏也!)


注册时间: 2007-09-15
帖子: 394
来自: Nowhere & Everywhere

帖子发表于: 星期六 一月 19, 2008 12:32 pm    发表主题: Re: A Swampy Pond (Haibun, revised) 引用并回复

ericcoliu 写到:


Ripples in the shadow of Adam's revolt [Sin]?

As human beings we come and go just like ripples in a swampy pond.


There are ripples of darkness across the swampy pond of my mind.
_________________
I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy.
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