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Lake[Lake] Lake作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2006-10-10 帖子: 1341 来自: Sky Blue Water
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发表于: 星期三 一月 02, 2008 2:13 pm 发表主题: Women Home Alone 留守女士 |
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Women Home Alone
They sit themselves comfortably around the table. Snacks and wine served. Chitchat – rebellious teenagers, housing market, fitness, healthy foods… The lights shine brighter, house warmer, as each tells her story. One jokes that she’s regretful that she’s never experienced the taste of Tan Lian Ai. “Now you have the chance”, others tease her. Another proclaims she’s had the roof changed, kitchen remodeled. Then a soft voice floats in the air: “Since my husband left me, my children went to college; I’ve survived a stomach cancer. Now I have nothing to fear.” The stories draw them closer. Outside, the ice dam is forming thick on the eave. I wonder if the gutter is strong enough to hold.
window panes a’frost
a glass of tears and laughter
toast to the dear Rat
最后进行编辑的是 Lake on 星期二 一月 08, 2008 2:34 pm, 总计第 1 次编辑 |
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星子[ANNA] 星子作品集 酷我!I made it!
注册时间: 2004-06-05 帖子: 13192 来自: Toronto
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发表于: 星期三 一月 02, 2008 10:34 pm 发表主题: |
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the taste of Tan Lian Ai...
I know what you mean here, but fear if others understand...
You know I still cannot get used to the style of Haibun. _________________
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Lake[Lake] Lake作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2006-10-10 帖子: 1341 来自: Sky Blue Water
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发表于: 星期四 一月 03, 2008 1:38 am 发表主题: |
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You are spot on, 星子. I wrote this on purpose ( I can add a note if I want to show this to native English speakers) for two reasons:
1. 恶作剧。 When I read English poems, I find some poets used a lot of dialects which annoyed me for I had to look them up very often; that slowed down my reading and hindered my comprehension. So I thought why couldn't I do the same to them? An eye for eye. haha!
2. I can't think of a better translation of "谈恋爱“。 'Falling in love', 'Being in love' none of them conveys the meaning well. It is a term with Chinese characteristics.
I'm still practicing haibun and not satisfied with my works yet.
Thanks. |
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fanfan[FFFFFF] fanfan作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2007-12-27 帖子: 353 来自: Canada
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发表于: 星期四 一月 03, 2008 10:21 am 发表主题: Re: Women Home Alone |
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Lake 写到: |
Women Home Alone
璗he lights shine brighter, house warmer, as each tells her story.
Then a soft voice floats in the air: “Since my husband left me, my children went to college; I’ve survived a stomach cancer. Now I have nothing to fear.”
The stories draw them closer.
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Women Home Alone is about the power of storytelling between women. Through storytelling, the bonds between women are pulled and tightened.
Toast to the new "Joy Luck Club." _________________ Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon. |
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Lake[Lake] Lake作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2006-10-10 帖子: 1341 来自: Sky Blue Water
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发表于: 星期四 一月 03, 2008 11:47 am 发表主题: Re: Women Home Alone |
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fanfan 写到: |
Women Home Alone is about the power of storytelling between women. Through storytelling, the bonds between women are pulled and tightened.
Toast to the new "Joy Luck Club." |
G'day fanfan!
You got the gist of it. I'm glad you mentioned "Joy Luck Club", I thought about it while composing this piece and was going to use it as the title at first. Now I think it is a superb line in haiku. Can I steal it from you?
window panes a’frost
a glass of tears and laughter
toast to "Joy Luck Club"
Many thanks.
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu] ericcoliu作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2007-05-29 帖子: 1393 来自: GTA, Canada
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发表于: 星期四 一月 03, 2008 5:47 pm 发表主题: |
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Lake 写到: |
When I read English poems, I find some poets used a lot of dialects which annoyed me for I had to look them up very often; that slowed down my reading and hindered my comprehension.
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That's a kind of defamiliarization technique , which forces the reader to slow down and effects a more strenuous, but also more rewarding engangement with the text. _________________ Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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Lake[Lake] Lake作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2006-10-10 帖子: 1341 来自: Sky Blue Water
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发表于: 星期五 一月 04, 2008 12:07 am 发表主题: |
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引用: | That's a kind of defamiliarization technique , which forces the reader to slow down and effects a more strenuous, but also more rewarding engangement with the text.
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Agreed.
Actually I don't mind looking up new words and expressions, and I still do. But if the dialect is overused, say, half of the poem or two thirds of it consists of unfamiliar words and expressions whose meanings you have no way to guess, I'll loose my interest.
Another reason I used Tan Lian Ai is that it is exotic and new, thus curiosity aroused. |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu] ericcoliu作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2007-05-29 帖子: 1393 来自: GTA, Canada
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发表于: 星期五 一月 04, 2008 8:55 am 发表主题: |
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Lake 写到: |
But if the dialect is overused, say, half of the poem or two thirds of it consists of unfamiliar words and expressions whose meanings you have no way to guess, I'll loose my interest.
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It would be viewed as show-off writing to arrest attention.
Lake 写到: |
I can add a note if I want to show this to native English speakers.
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There is no need to do so.
What you need to do is to use "the brief, one-sentence breather" , which gives sufficient information to the reader.
For example,
One jokes that she's regretful that she’s never experienced the taste of Tan Lian Ai, which is a taste of an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired by someone. _________________ Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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fanfan[FAFAFA] fanfan作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2007-12-27 帖子: 353 来自: Canada
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发表于: 星期六 一月 05, 2008 9:15 am 发表主题: Re: Women Home Alone |
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Lake 写到: |
Now I think it is a superb line in haiku. Can I steal it from you?
window panes a¡¯frost
a glass of tears and laughter
toast to "Joy Luck Club"
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No problem.
I like the revised haiku.
toast to "Joy Luck Club", which is a newly formed chitchat/storytelling support group. _________________ Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon. |
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Lake[Lake] Lake作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2006-10-10 帖子: 1341 来自: Sky Blue Water
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发表于: 星期一 一月 07, 2008 12:06 pm 发表主题: |
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ericcoliu 写到: |
There is no need to do so.
What you need to do is to use "the brief, one-sentence breather" , which gives sufficient information to the reader.
For example,
One jokes that she's regretful that she’s never experienced the taste of Tan Lian Ai, which is a taste of an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired by someone. |
" the brief, one-sentence breather', very good suggestion.
I'll see where I need it next time.
Thanks, Eric.
Thanks, Fanfan for your generosity! |
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Lake[Lake] Lake作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2006-10-10 帖子: 1341 来自: Sky Blue Water
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发表于: 星期二 一月 08, 2008 2:40 pm 发表主题: |
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Revised with Chinese version.
Women Home Alone
They sit themselves comfortably around the table. Snacks and wine served. Chitchat – rebellious teenagers, housing market, fitness, healthy foods… The lights shine brighter, house warmer, as each tells her story. One jokes that she’s regretful that she’s never experienced the taste of Tan Lian Ai. “Now you have the chance”, others tease her. Another proclaims she’s had the roof changed, kitchen remodeled right before the first snow. Then a soft voice floats in the air: “Since my husband left me, my children went to college; I’ve survived a stomach cancer. Now I have nothing to fear.” The stories draw them closer. Outside, the ice dam is forming thick on the eave. Is the gutter strong enough to hold?
window panes a’frost
a glass of tears and laughter
toast to Joy Luck Club
留守女士
她们围着桌子舒适地坐下。 桌上有小吃和葡萄酒。 闲聊起来 – 逆反的青少年、房屋市场、健身、健康食品 ……每个人都在讲自己的故事, 灯光越发明亮,室内更加温暖。一人开玩笑说:真后悔,这一辈子,从来都没尝过谈恋爱的滋味。 其他人打趣说,“ 现在有机会了。” 另一人骄傲地宣称: 她刚赶在第一场雪之前换好了房顶,翻新了厨房。这时,传来一个轻柔的声音:“自从我丈夫离开后,孩子们都上了大学;我患了胃癌,但死里逃生。现在没有什么可让我害怕的了。 ” 故事把她们之间的距离拉近。 室外, 屋檐上积聚了一层厚厚的冰坨。不知下水槽够不够结实,能否撑得住。
霜染窗朦胧
杯映泪花笑声融
喜福会情浓
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fanfan[FFFFFF] fanfan作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2007-12-27 帖子: 353 来自: Canada
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发表于: 星期三 一月 09, 2008 3:03 pm 发表主题: |
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Lake 写到: |
霜染窗朦胧
杯映泪花笑声融
喜福会情浓[/size]
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The Chinese translation is far more better, especially 杯映泪花笑声融 _________________ Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon. |
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Champagne[Champagne] Champagne作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2007-09-15 帖子: 394 来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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发表于: 星期四 一月 10, 2008 8:48 am 发表主题: |
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Lake 写到: |
Then a soft voice floats in the air: “Since my husband left me, my children went to college; I’ve survived a stomach cancer. Now I have nothing to fear.” The stories draw them closer. Outside, the ice dam is forming thick on the eave. Is the gutter strong enough to hold?
window panes a’frost
a glass of tears and laughter
toast to Joy Luck Club
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The Power of storytelling.
It's an inspiring account of women home alone, who have learned not merely to survive but to thrive. _________________ I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
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