酷我-北美枫

[Lake]

( This was at first written as a poem a year ago, then someone suggested it might work better in the form of 'flash fiction'. Now here it is.)

The Man At Strauss (Flash Fiction)

A sleety day. We slid into a sports store, hoping the skates could be stretched to a half size larger. We waited patiently for Don, the only one at Strauss who knew the trade.

Fifteen minutes passed. To save six hundred bucks, in patience we waited. Then an old man loomed beside me; his head drooped low to his chest, eyes watery, back hunched.

“Are you looking for me? What can I do for you? ” He asked.

“Are you Don? Don’t you have an apprentice? ” I answered.

Trudging back with a ruler, he measured the boots, eyes so close to the readings. My daughter sat quietly on the bench as instructed to try on the stretched skates. Bandy-legged, Don, one hand on the floor, knelt down with one leg first, then the other. The shoelace seemed so delicate in his knuckle protruding hands. He fastened it nonetheless.

Looking up, he asked, “How do you feel now?”

“Better.” Replied my daughter.

“Do you still feel the tightness around your toes? The bumps on your heels? ”

I was about to say, that’s good enough.

But Don insisted: “Tell me, how would you grade it— better, worse, good, pretty good? ”

I watched him rise to his feet with more difficulty than he knelt down. I didn’t come up to help him, as I so wished. Instead, I turned my head away, slightly. Can you imagine a man of eighty seven years working on a heavy snow day?

“Here is something for you, Don.” I put some change in his hand, gratefully.

“Thank you!” He winked at my daughter at the door. A glint in his eyes, a stretch of one’s lifespan.

.

[[Lake]]

( This was at first written as a poem a year ago, then someone suggested it might work better in the form of 'flash fiction'. Now here it is.)

The Man At Strauss (Flash Fiction)

A sleety day. We slid into a sports store, hoping the skates could be stretched to a half size larger. We waited patiently for Don, the only one at Strauss who knew the trade.

Fifteen minutes passed. To save six hundred bucks, in patience we waited. Then an old man loomed beside me; his head drooped low to his chest, eyes watery, back hunched.

“Are you looking for me? What can I do for you? ” He asked.

“Are you Don? Don’t you have an apprentice? ” I answered.

Trudging back with a ruler, he measured the boots, eyes so close to the readings. My daughter sat quietly on the bench as instructed to try on the stretched skates. Bandy-legged, Don, one hand on the floor, knelt down with one leg first, then the other. The shoelace seemed so delicate in his knuckle protruding hands. He fastened it nonetheless.

Looking up, he asked, “How do you feel now?”

“Better.” Replied my daughter.

“Do you still feel the tightness around your toes? The bumps on your heels? ”

I was about to say, that’s good enough.

But Don insisted: “Tell me, how would you grade it— better, worse, good, pretty good? ”

I watched him rise to his feet with more difficulty than he knelt down. I didn’t come up to help him, as I so wished. Instead, I turned my head away, slightly. Can you imagine a man of eighty seven years working on a heavy snow day?

“Here is something for you, Don.” I put some change in his hand, gratefully.

“Thank you!” He winked at my daughter at the door. A glint in his eyes, a stretch of one’s lifespan.

.

[星子]

happy new year. I will read it soon.

too busy to clean up house and help my son's homework.
_________________

[[ANNA]]

happy new year. I will read it soon.

too busy to clean up house and help my son's homework.
_________________

[ericcoliu]

[[ericcoliu]]

[星子]

a moving piece.

How about the title to be more specific? Since each word counts in a flash story.
_________________

[[ANNA]]

a moving piece.

How about the title to be more specific? Since each word counts in a flash story.
_________________

[Champagne]

[[Champagne]]

[fanfan]

[[FFFFFF]]

[Lake]

[[Lake]]

[Lake]

[[Lake]]

[Lake]

[[Lake]]

[Lake]

[[Lake]]

[北夜]

In fact, the Flash Fiction is short but contain with all elements that a Fiction should have in the first place. And a fiction normally needs to create surprise at the end of the story. A good narrator should know how to keep people's attention all the way through.

In this case, I have lost my interest at the beginning, sorry but true. Let me tell you why:

1. The Title is boring for ordinary folks.
2. You told us this is a very old man at the beginning, so I can’t get any surprise or shock after that, so the supposed magic ending wasted.
3. You got two many character in this story; you mainly describe your core character (the old man) through your (the father) eye. In my option, you only need to show two people here. It’s better write from the little girl’s point of view, and her feeling about this old man. So only keep two people here: little girl and old man. A fresh life + A one foot in the grave life. How about it?
4. Too long, that is what I mean, if you only give us two people in a time that will make the story shorter but nicer.

Some of my suggestion, and do mind about my manner, Good luck and Happy New Year!

[[FAFAFA]]

In fact, the Flash Fiction is short but contain with all elements that a Fiction should have in the first place. And a fiction normally needs to create surprise at the end of the story. A good narrator should know how to keep people's attention all the way through.

In this case, I have lost my interest at the beginning, sorry but true. Let me tell you why:

1. The Title is boring for ordinary folks.
2. You told us this is a very old man at the beginning, so I can’t get any surprise or shock after that, so the supposed magic ending wasted.
3. You got two many character in this story; you mainly describe your core character (the old man) through your (the father) eye. In my option, you only need to show two people here. It’s better write from the little girl’s point of view, and her feeling about this old man. So only keep two people here: little girl and old man. A fresh life + A one foot in the grave life. How about it?
4. Too long, that is what I mean, if you only give us two people in a time that will make the story shorter but nicer.

Some of my suggestion, and do mind about my manner, Good luck and Happy New Year!

[ericcoliu]

[[ericcoliu]]

[Lake]

北夜,

First off, thank you for your criticism and patience reading this boring stuff. I know you are good at writing stories, so I have nothing to say to your judgment and I respect your expertise.

One thing I would like to clarify is that as I said at the beginning, this was not intended to be put in a story form, a try-out only. A friend of mine told me some lines were loose in a poetry form but he wouldn’t think so if they were in a prose. Therefore, he suggested a different genre may work better, that is, ‘flash fiction’ of which I’ve never heard before.

I know this is not anything great, but some positive comments from some readers really encouraged me - they enjoyed the slice of ordinary life and especially loved the ending, evidently there is something they felt.

Curious to know: which part of the story makes you jump into the conclusion that it is through a father’s eye? Yeah, I agree it might be better if the girl tells, but that’s going to be a different story and I don’t know what’s in the girl’s mind; I should’ve asked.

‘A fresh life + A one foot in the grave life.’ Is it a norm that a story has to follow? Used too much in writings, in my opinion though. In this story, I see a continuous life and the value of life in an old man.

By the way, what’s the word limit for a short short story if there is any? This one is about 280 words, with further edit, it can be less than 250 words.

‘do mind about my manner’, what does it mean? Actually, I don’t mind at all.

Many thanks and I’ll keep your suggestions in mind when I write something new.

Happy 2008 to you, too!

Lake

[[Lake]]

北夜,

First off, thank you for your criticism and patience reading this boring stuff. I know you are good at writing stories, so I have nothing to say to your judgment and I respect your expertise.

One thing I would like to clarify is that as I said at the beginning, this was not intended to be put in a story form, a try-out only. A friend of mine told me some lines were loose in a poetry form but he wouldn’t think so if they were in a prose. Therefore, he suggested a different genre may work better, that is, ‘flash fiction’ of which I’ve never heard before.

I know this is not anything great, but some positive comments from some readers really encouraged me - they enjoyed the slice of ordinary life and especially loved the ending, evidently there is something they felt.

Curious to know: which part of the story makes you jump into the conclusion that it is through a father’s eye? Yeah, I agree it might be better if the girl tells, but that’s going to be a different story and I don’t know what’s in the girl’s mind; I should’ve asked.

‘A fresh life + A one foot in the grave life.’ Is it a norm that a story has to follow? Used too much in writings, in my opinion though. In this story, I see a continuous life and the value of life in an old man.

By the way, what’s the word limit for a short short story if there is any? This one is about 280 words, with further edit, it can be less than 250 words.

‘do mind about my manner’, what does it mean? Actually, I don’t mind at all.

Many thanks and I’ll keep your suggestions in mind when I write something new.

Happy 2008 to you, too!

Lake

[Lake]

[[Lake]]