发表于: 星期一 八月 27, 2007 1:37 pm 发表主题: Brick Kiln Blues With Music (edited) 加上了新音乐，请欣赏评�
Brick Kiln Blues
---- Child Slaves
It’s June, the sun shines, the sky is blue
Yet deep in the mountains, nothing comes through
There’s no sunlight here, my child, there’s no sunlight here
On the road side by the train station
A stranger lured you with temptation
He’s gonna sell you, my child, he’s gonna sell you
The moon’s still up, the cock hasn't crowed
You are whipped ‘cause you’re tired and slow
But you work fifteen hours a day, my child, you work fifteen hours a day
In the river there swims a buffalo
For years, your skin diseased, eyes shallow
They won’t let you bathe, my child, they won’t let you bathe
The bricks you’ve baked a year
Made the owner a millionaire
Who pays you no penny, my child, who pays you no penny
Grass wither in winter, anew in spring
Everyday’s the same to you with a bell-ring
You cannot go home, my child, you cannot go home
Run in the forest, soaked in night dew
Guards and dogs are lookin’ for you
If caught, you’re dead, my child, if caught, you’re dead
“Why don’t you ask for help?” some say
"Officials should send the evil-minded to jail."
But they sing the same tune, my child, they sing the same tune
Revised Verson
Brick Kiln Blues
It’s June, the sun shines, the sky is blue
Yet deep in the mountains, nothing sifts through
There’s no sunlight here, my child, there’s no sunlight here
On the road side by the railway station
A stranger lured you with temptation
He’s gonna sell you, my child, he’s gonna sell you
The moon’s still up, the cock hasn't crowed
You're being whipped ‘cause you’re tired and slow
But you work fifteen hours a day, my child, fifteen hours a day
In the river there swims a buffalo
Your skin diseased, your eyes shallow
They won’t let you bathe, my child, they won’t let you bathe
Those bricks you’ve baked for over a year
They made the owner a millionaire
He pays you not a penny, my child, you work for no pay
Grass withers in winter, renews in the spring
It's the same every day, you hear the bell ring
But you cannot go home, my child, you cannot go home
Run in the forest, soaked in night dew
Guard dogs baying are lookin’ for you
If you're caught, you’re dead, my child, if they catch you, you’re dead
"Ask the authorities for help?” some say
"They should put these evil men in jail."
But they sing the same tune, my child, they sing the same tune
最后进行编辑的是 Lake on 星期二 十月 09, 2007 1:16 pm, 总计第 3 次编辑
It’s a well-written narrative poem in which the conditions child slaves face are atrocious. Greed enslaves conscience. Abusive power tramples innocent lives.
Repetition at the end of each stanza plays a large part in establishing the mood of the poem; such repetition, as a tour de force, can be the center of interest in this poem.
By the way, one small thing about the subtitle: "Children Slaves" or "Child Slaves"? _________________ Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul
You read me very well, both meaning-wise and structure-wise.
This poem is my new experiment, for sometimes I feel certain forms can help with certain subject matters. You are right that the repetition in the third line of each stanza should serve as a concluding line, though I know some of them in this poem are not strong enough. The blues almost always speak of some sadness, pain and loss with a melancholy tone.
You are probably right about the subtitle- should a singular or a plural noun be used as an adjective? I thought about "Children's holiday", "children's books", "children's society", but all of them have an apostrophe to be used as an adjective. Let me think it over.
The shift in the narrative perspective in the last stanza is disturbingly alarming, hinting at who should bear the ultimate responsibility for the innocent and abused child slaves and at the allusion to the notion of "a good German". _________________ Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul
Thanks for your revisit. You taught me something new-- " a good German", first time to hear it. Then I got to look it up, now I see what you mean. Exactly! You must have seen a lot of films, I believe.
I posted it on an English Forum and then an Aussie friend came up and offered to have a go putting some music to it.
Now here it is. See how you like it.
Brick Kiln Blues
It’s June, the sun shines, the sky is blue
Yet deep in the mountains, nothing sifts through
There’s no sunlight here, my child, there’s no sunlight here
On the road side by the railway station
A stranger lured you with temptation
He’s gonna sell you, my child, he’s gonna sell you
The moon’s still up, the cock hasn't crowed
You're being whipped ‘cause you’re tired and slow
But you work fifteen hours a day, my child, fifteen hours a day
In the river there swims a buffalo
Your skin diseased, your eyes shallow
They won’t let you bathe, my child, they won’t let you bathe
Those bricks you’ve baked for over a year
They made the owner a millionaire
He pays you not a penny, my child, you work for no pay
Grass withers in winter, renews in the spring
It's the same every day, you hear the bell ring
But you cannot go home, my child, you cannot go home
Run in the forest, soaked in night dew
Guard dogs baying are lookin’ for you
If you're caught, you’re dead, my child, if they catch you, you’re dead
"Ask the authorities for help?” some say
"They should put these evil men in jail."
But they sing the same tune, my child, they sing the same tune
This is a soft strains of music with the expressive singing in a slow-paced tune while the percussion is a little light on, really catching the spirit of your poem. I like it.
Is the songwriter and singer the same person, Dave?
And I really feel envy toward your good luck having such a good friend, Dave, who wrote a song for your poem. _________________ Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul
This is a soft strains of music with the expressive singing in a slow-paced tune while the percussion is a little light on, really catching the spirit of your poem. I like it.
Is the songwriter and singer the same person, Dave?
And I really feel envy toward your good luck having such a good friend, Dave, who wrote a song for your poem.
Hello to Eric!
You have a very good ear. Dave also explained why he used a light sound for the percussion because he didn't have anything in possession to produce a heavy rock sound, which is what he prefered. The middle part, he is expecting his friend to play with a sax. I am eager to listen to it when it is finalized.
Yes, Dave is the person who writes and sings and plays. He is great!
I do feel I am blessed. After the poem is written, some say it sounds like a song, so I just posted it on the song lyrics section, wishing to get some more suggestions, and then you know what it happened...
Don't envy me, but I do envy you for your wide range of readings which is very hard for me to catch on.
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