酷我-北美枫

Lake · 发表于: 星期五十月 05, 2007 3:43 pm 发表主题: This Close

This Close

Never been so close
like this to the autumn -
By the corn field
in the early morning
thin fogs, orange tinged -
a gauze curtain hanging
over the reaped field where
geese and ducks rummage,
filling their stomachs with
harvest leftovers.

Maple leaves fall,
chrysanthemums bloom.

The birds, cloud-white
bellied, have grown
strong wings, propelling
them through the air. Where
are they heading to?
Only the wind knows.
So excited, so close -
a shower of feathery flapping
above the car roof
on the lake of mind

One flock, then two, then three
wild geese, honking, here
and there, higher and farther
no guide needed
leaving the sky
with no
trace…

.

ericcoliu · 发表于: 星期五十月 05, 2007 6:10 pm 发表主题:

Comments:

This poem is lyrical and engaging and replete with concrete "feathery images" about bird migration, and it is so close to a poetic portrayal of Winged Migration directed by Jacques Perrin*, an exceptional documentary on the migratory patterns of birds, shot over the course of three years on all seven continents.
However, there is “a shower of feathery flapping” causing ripples of noise across the lake of my mind.

Champagne · 发表于: 星期五十月 05, 2007 8:01 pm 发表主题:

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Hi Lake,

I agree with Eric.

Hi Eric.

http://www.sonyclassics.com/wingedmigration/home.html is very good, I will let my son to play...
_________________
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

Lake · 发表于: 星期六十月 06, 2007 12:06 am 发表主题:

Thanks everyone for the comment.

Eric,

Thank you very much for your careful reading and detailed comment. Much appreciated!

Lake · 发表于: 星期六十月 06, 2007 12:18 am 发表主题:

Lake · 发表于: 星期日十月 07, 2007 3:57 pm 发表主题:

Hi Eric and Champ,

1. Now back to the 'car'.

Honestly, I am hesitant to remove it:

Firstly, "it creates an "aha!" moment in the reader's mind by suddenly putting the poem into a modern context", as a reader pointed.

Secondly, as Erica commented "How peculiar, if not odd, this juxtaposition of images is! " In fact, I am pretty happy with this comment for I've never thought this image would produce such an effect.

But if the 'car' really sounds intrusive, I thougt about 'canopy' which, to my understanding, has multimeanings. How about that?

2. "Where
are they heading to?
Only the wind knows. "

The question doesn't fit here, it breaks the flow. I would like to change it as

The wind only knows
where they're headed.

3. I also feel ' harvest leftovers' kind of redundant and would like to cut 'leftovers'. Thus,

filling their stomachs
with harvest.

Does it still sound clear to you?

Thanks much!

Lake

ericcoliu · 发表于: 星期一十月 08, 2007 8:32 am 发表主题:

Hi! Lake:

Thank you for your detailed coverage of each stage of the writing process of This Close.

It reminds me of one passage from Yeats’ poem:

in a car, a bird flies over,
it is not crazed, but what’s
in the car sure is, to watch
and know there are things
that must belong to what’s natural,
where thoughts grew clear,

-- W.B. Yeats

Champagne · 发表于: 星期一十月 08, 2007 11:31 am 发表主题:

Lake · 发表于: 星期一十月 08, 2007 11:42 pm 发表主题:

Lake · 发表于: 星期二十月 09, 2007 12:07 am 发表主题:

Champ,

You guys are too gentle to my poems. I can take something other than gentle crits, please keep them coming.

It looks like you are exposed to a variety of readings. The translated poem serves as camera shots full of images. How can people get tired of nature poems, never can I.

"and an eye behind glass that turns behind them." brilliant line.

The half rhyme or close rhyme makes the poem sounds natural. Great translation.

Best,

Lake