酷我-北美枫

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Whose garden I dream in late May,
Apple blossoms scent along the way?
A meandering stream leads my steps,
Among branches, winds cruise ahead.
I hear birds chiming a soft song,
A lotus nods in the green pond.
I wish I could be closer, let
My shadow silently grow wet.
Yet I ‘ll part, awake from the dream,
her petals shall wither and weep.
Fate's such a mysterious myth,
how I wish to grasp each minute.
When autumn approaches, who will
harvest the apples, red, round and big?
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

Lake · 发表于: 星期三九月 19, 2007 11:05 am 发表主题: Re: Apple Garden

星子 · 发表于: 星期三九月 19, 2007 1:39 pm 发表主题:

Lake. you are right. I tried to find replacement, but failed.

Any suggestion?

'Zephyrs' not need in capital, just typo.

In fact, I am not satisfied with the last two lines... but haven't any other idea.
thanks for reading.
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Lake · 发表于: 星期四九月 20, 2007 12:13 pm 发表主题:

A quick one:

A meandering stream I follow
Warm zephyrs cruise rows of willows

I know it is not exact rhyme, but since a lot of yours are near thymes, too. Hope it didn't change much of your meaning.

One more thing:

星子 · 发表于: 星期四九月 20, 2007 5:35 pm 发表主题:

Hi Lake,

Thanks for suggestions.

You always have sharp eyes and frank spirits. Good.

I revised it. and changed the ending. How about it now?
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Lake · 发表于: 星期五九月 21, 2007 2:17 pm 发表主题:

星子 · 发表于: 星期五九月 21, 2007 8:41 pm 发表主题:

Hi Lake,
You are right again. Very Happy

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