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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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 发表于: 星期二 二月 13, 2007 2:37 pm 发表主题: Tonight |
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Tonight
Cold winter night
The heating works strenuously
in vain to warm up the house
glass panes frosted
She stares at the front window
aimlessly into the darkness
He lowers his head, flips through
a skating magazine for nothing
As the furnace kicks in again
he utters with a forced smile
“None to blame, we are both
good natured. The fate I suppose.”
Words are restrained, barely heard
in the humming of the furnace
No arguments, nor complaints any more
as when they used to, when they were young
Unconsciously, she grabs a blanket
as if searching for answers and
he stands up, walks away. Tonight
ends the second day after Valentine
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博弈[Mark]
博弈作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-09-24
帖子: 1484
来自: San Francisco
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| 发表于: 星期二 二月 13, 2007 5:57 pm 发表主题: |
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hey, i feel you start to have a style of your own,
very good. i like it for good rhythms and tone.
when read, the s’s make a good mix, i felt.
hope this is not a reflection of what’s melted;
or even so, the poem seems to be affected
with a positive determination. hence,
hush be in no rush if the hiss is in silence.
“No arguments, nor complaints any more
as when they used to, when they were young”
Used to verb
Were used to noun
Maybe you deliberately omit ‘were’
So, how about (seems an open form verse here)
“as they were used to, as they were young”
1st as is a pronoun, 2nd is a conj.
Or
“ as they were used to, while young”
Just my quick look
_________________
Sometimes I am busy
Sometimes I am free
In between, there's it
Until I find thee... |
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anna[星子安娜]
anna作品集
Site Admin
注册时间: 2004-05-02
帖子: 7141
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| 发表于: 星期二 二月 13, 2007 6:30 pm 发表主题: |
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I agree with Mark.
You made a great progress.
But I wonder about the following line
As the furnace kicks in again ...
what do you mean?
_________________
---------------------
Anna Yin
《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...
http://annapoetry.com |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期二 二月 13, 2007 11:06 pm 发表主题: |
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| 博弈 写到: | hey, i feel you start to have a style of your own,
very good. i like it for good rhythms and tone.
when read, the s’s make a good mix, i felt.
hope this is not a reflection of what’s melted;
or even so, the poem seems to be affected
with a positive determination. hence,
hush be in no rush if the hiss is in silence.
“No arguments, nor complaints any more
as when they used to, when they were young”
Used to verb
Were used to noun
Maybe you deliberately omit ‘were’
So, how about (seems an open form verse here)
“as they were used to, as they were young”
1st as is a pronoun, 2nd is a conj.
Or
“ as they were used to, while young”
Just my quick look |
Howdy, 博弈!
You are spot on! Yes, "as they were used to" is gramatically correct". You have good suggestions here. I will think it over and have my copy corrected.
S sound, now as you mentioned, I read it again and do feel a lot of sssss, like the wind whistling through the windows and doors.
I am still pondering on the line "hush be in no rush if the hiss is in silence".
Many thanks! Your help is very much needed and appreciated.
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期二 二月 13, 2007 11:54 pm 发表主题: |
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| anna 写到: | I agree with Mark.
You made a great progress.
But I wonder about the following line
As the furnace kicks in again ...
what do you mean? |
Thanks anna for asking.
Don't know what you use to warm up your house in winter. Electricity? Gas? If gas is used, usually a thermostat is set up at a certain degree, and when the room temperature reaches it, the furnace will stop working, when the room temperature drops below it, the furnace will start working again, making a click sound similar like that of a refrigerator. That's what "As the furnace kicks in..." means. Are there any other expressions?
说来惭愧，这是一年前的旧作。看来现在没有什么进步。那时学写诗，主要写 quadrain stanza 形式的。后来见网上作者写不同形式的(像这里非马先生的短诗，Kokho 的一题多写，博弈的天马行空等等）想自己也不能太单一 守旧啊，所以尝试写 free verse, sonnet, refrains, tercet... 还没见什么成效。
现在用功去了。
最后进行编辑的是 Lake on 星期五 三月 02, 2007 1:50 pm, 总计第 1 次编辑 |
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不清[不清]
不清作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-03-22
帖子: 1364
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| 发表于: 星期三 二月 14, 2007 12:06 am 发表主题: |
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Kick in is fine. maybe 星子 doesn't understand this expression? When the furnance kick in... mean when the furnance starts running....
Lake, I like this poem... the last sentence -- tonight ends the second day after valentine, give me the impression that the couple were kissy kissy on valentine's day... but that's the end of celebration of love. everything goes back to normal right after! 
_________________
「四十二排浪，沒有一排是相似的」——不清
博客：
http://42waves.tumblr.com |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期三 二月 14, 2007 11:31 am 发表主题: |
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| 不清 写到: |
Lake, I like this poem... the last sentence -- tonight ends the second day after valentine, give me the impression that the couple were kissy kissy on valentine's day... but that's the end of celebration of love. everything goes back to normal right after! |
不清, your interpretation of the last line gave me a good laugh. 
"kissy, kissy" add two more s's. lol.
I thought it might be sobs and weeps.
Thanks for your explanation on "kick in", that is exactly what I mean. And also thanks for your reading and commenting.
Let's carry this celebration of love into the Chinese New Year! And congratulations to a father-to-be!
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