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Champagne[Champagne]
Champagne作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-09-15
帖子: 394
来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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 发表于: 星期一 二月 18, 2008 12:14 pm 发表主题: |
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| Lake 写到: | [
Hi Eric,
Glad you got this emotion, tension feel. The mental activities are extremely active during this lonely, automatic drive; all sorts of things come to mind. Thank goodness, there's this CD accompanying the speaker who manages to drive with the rhythm of the song.
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Yes, good points.
Song to the Snow -
A song to the snow is what I sing
May your white sheets of glass have mercy on me
For my song to the snow was inspired by this
Snow, snow, coming down
A voice told me not to drive right now
But drive I did to get to work somehow
-- Kathryn Lauer Black
_________________
I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期二 三月 11, 2008 4:29 pm 发表主题: |
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| Champagne 写到: |
Yes, good points.
Song to the Snow -
A song to the snow is what I sing
May your white sheets of glass have mercy on me
For my song to the snow was inspired by this
Snow, snow, coming down
A voice told me not to drive right now
But drive I did to get to work somehow
-- Kathryn Lauer Black |
Thanks Champagne. I like this Song. |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期二 三月 11, 2008 4:38 pm 发表主题: |
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With the help and suggestions from the members of other forums, I revised it and hope it is better.
Tinker suggested to stretch it from my original seven syllables per line to an iambic pentameter. My first real metered poem! Not perfect, but hey...
Tony suggested using punctuation marks to add clarity and more color to the poem. He also made a scansion on this poem.
戴玨 pointed out two places where the rhymes are not perfect rhymes and gave a good suggestion of " to and fro".
My appreciation to them all!
Lake |
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anna[星子安娜]
anna作品集
Site Admin
注册时间: 2004-05-02
帖子: 7141
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| 发表于: 星期二 三月 11, 2008 7:13 pm 发表主题: |
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Much better and more smooth
_________________
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Anna Yin
《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...
http://annapoetry.com |
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dundas[dundas]
dundas作品集
五品知州
（再努力一把就是四品大员了！）
注册时间: 2008-02-23
帖子: 214
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| 发表于: 星期四 三月 13, 2008 9:14 am 发表主题: Re: Driving in the Windy Snow (Revised) |
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The revised version is far more poetic than the original one.
"A hunk of steel still drives without despair" is surely better than "A car drives with no despair."
_________________
My throat knew thirst before the structure
Of skin and vein around the well |
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