酷我-北美枫

[Lake]

( A condensed form. Better? Worse? It doesn't hurt to experiment, right?)

Sun and Moon (V 2)

Western Prairie cools
like the quiet moon.

Returning leaves snuggle
at tree roots, busy gophers

dig holes, acorns drop and plop.
Summer fades fast, as winter

wriggles in. A cicada sings
its last song to a leaf swirling

alone in the wind that carries
the smell of Ma’s sweet rice

and Pa’s southern
accent calling my name.


Sun and Moon (V 1)

It is fall once more in the Western Prairie,
cool, colored, under the harvest moon.
Leaves are back huddling their tree roots,
gophers are back digging storage rooms,
summer sets in the deep mountains,
as winter creeps in from the Arctic.

A leaf swirls in the air, lost and confused
by the cicadas' somber song, “I see… I see…”
Stores are stocked with Halloween-angels and devils,
my words with joy and nostalgia -
the wind sends the smell of Ma’s sweet rice,
and whispers my name in Pa’s southern accent.


(Crits are welcome. Still under construction. The result may be a totally different one. Let's see.)

[[Lake]]

( A condensed form. Better? Worse? It doesn't hurt to experiment, right?)

Sun and Moon (V 2)

Western Prairie cools
like the quiet moon.

Returning leaves snuggle
at tree roots, busy gophers

dig holes, acorns drop and plop.
Summer fades fast, as winter

wriggles in. A cicada sings
its last song to a leaf swirling

alone in the wind that carries
the smell of Ma’s sweet rice

and Pa’s southern
accent calling my name.


Sun and Moon (V 1)

It is fall once more in the Western Prairie,
cool, colored, under the harvest moon.
Leaves are back huddling their tree roots,
gophers are back digging storage rooms,
summer sets in the deep mountains,
as winter creeps in from the Arctic.

A leaf swirls in the air, lost and confused
by the cicadas' somber song, “I see… I see…”
Stores are stocked with Halloween-angels and devils,
my words with joy and nostalgia -
the wind sends the smell of Ma’s sweet rice,
and whispers my name in Pa’s southern accent.


(Crits are welcome. Still under construction. The result may be a totally different one. Let's see.)

[ericcoliu]

[[ericcoliu]]

[Lake]

Eric,

I'm flattered. And glad to know this poem is evocative to you.

I'll feel even better without the first line of your comment.
Seldom do I watch movies, simply no time. I envy those who do.

Cheers and thanks.

[[Lake]]

Eric,

I'm flattered. And glad to know this poem is evocative to you.

I'll feel even better without the first line of your comment.
Seldom do I watch movies, simply no time. I envy those who do.

Cheers and thanks.

[ericcoliu]

[[ericcoliu]]

[Lake]

Hi Eric,

Thanks for your 'scholastic' commentary.

I'm happy to know you like the title for I'm not sure if it makes sense to other readers, and your mention of 'passing of time' ensures that at least it makes one sense.

The ending might be a bit weak but I haven't had anything better than that. Let me think it over.

Thanks as always.

Lake

[[Lake]]

Hi Eric,

Thanks for your 'scholastic' commentary.

I'm happy to know you like the title for I'm not sure if it makes sense to other readers, and your mention of 'passing of time' ensures that at least it makes one sense.

The ending might be a bit weak but I haven't had anything better than that. Let me think it over.

Thanks as always.

Lake

[东西]

[[东西]]

[佩玖]

读起来很有节奏感，难得，写英诗做到这点不容易。

[[佩玖]]

读起来很有节奏感，难得，写英诗做到这点不容易。

[anna]

Hi Lake,

[[星子安娜]]

Hi Lake,

[Lake]

[[Lake]]

[Lake]

[[Lake]]

[Lake]

[[Lake]]

[Lake]

Another short version is posted for opinions. Thanks.

[[Lake]]

Another short version is posted for opinions. Thanks.

[ericcoliu]

In my view, your revised version is better and characterized by clear, precise expression in few words, and it reveals its idyllic beauty.

You made significant improvement in the concluding lines of the original version.

However, the lines breaks ( five breaks in a 12-line poem) seem to get in the way of the flow of your poem.

Is this a new type of poetry, of which I may not be aware?
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul

[[ericcoliu]]

In my view, your revised version is better and characterized by clear, precise expression in few words, and it reveals its idyllic beauty.

You made significant improvement in the concluding lines of the original version.

However, the lines breaks ( five breaks in a 12-line poem) seem to get in the way of the flow of your poem.

Is this a new type of poetry, of which I may not be aware?
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul

[非马]

I like version 2 better. Though both versions are wonderful.

From the title, I could sense the passing of time. Besides that, I agree with Anna that the connection between the title and the verse is not that strong. Maybe I too am losing some of my imagination.

Some minor suggestions for you to consider:

1.
wriggles in. A cicada sings
its last song to a leaf alone

swirling in the wind that carries
the smell of Ma’s sweet rice

Would it sound better if you put "alone" after "swirling"?

2.
Leaves are back huddling their tree roots,
gophers are back digging storage rooms,

I don't know whether repetition of the words "are back" in the two lines are intentional. Personally I would change them to somethng like:

Leaves are back huddling their tree roots,
gophers return to dig storage rooms,


3.
by the cicadas' somber song, “I know… I know…”

How about changing "“I know… I know…” to "I see...I see..."?
It probably means the same thing but would sound much better, considering the chirp of a cicada.

[[FFFFFF]]

I like version 2 better. Though both versions are wonderful.

From the title, I could sense the passing of time. Besides that, I agree with Anna that the connection between the title and the verse is not that strong. Maybe I too am losing some of my imagination.

Some minor suggestions for you to consider:

1.
wriggles in. A cicada sings
its last song to a leaf alone

swirling in the wind that carries
the smell of Ma’s sweet rice

Would it sound better if you put "alone" after "swirling"?

2.
Leaves are back huddling their tree roots,
gophers are back digging storage rooms,

I don't know whether repetition of the words "are back" in the two lines are intentional. Personally I would change them to somethng like:

Leaves are back huddling their tree roots,
gophers return to dig storage rooms,


3.
by the cicadas' somber song, “I know… I know…”

How about changing "“I know… I know…” to "I see...I see..."?
It probably means the same thing but would sound much better, considering the chirp of a cicada.

[Lake]

[[Lake]]