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Sitting Alone by a Pond (Two Versions)
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robarts[robarts]
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六品通判
(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
六品通判<BR>(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)


注册时间: 2008-03-24
帖子: 114
来自: Canada

帖子发表于: 星期二 七月 22, 2008 12:38 pm    发表主题: Sitting Alone by a Pond (Two Versions) 引用并回复


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If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.


最后进行编辑的是 robarts on 星期六 十一月 15, 2008 4:15 pm, 总计第 5 次编辑
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christine[christine]
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四品府丞
(封疆大吏也!)
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注册时间: 2008-02-25
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帖子发表于: 星期二 七月 22, 2008 6:57 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

This poem is too consciously reflective to me.
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Champagne[Champagne]
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四品府丞
(封疆大吏也!)
四品府丞<BR>(封疆大吏也!)


注册时间: 2007-09-15
帖子: 394
来自: Nowhere & Everywhere

帖子发表于: 星期三 七月 23, 2008 9:47 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

christine 写到:
This poem is too consciously reflective to me.


Yes, it's made delicately or elaborately.
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I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy.
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温暖的水獸[温暖的水獸]
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五品知州
(再努力一把就是四品大员了!)
五品知州<BR>(再努力一把就是四品大员了!)


注册时间: 2008-04-23
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来自: 水族箱

帖子发表于: 星期四 七月 24, 2008 12:03 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

Champagne 写到:


christine 写到:
This poem is too consciously reflective to me.


Yes, it's made delicately or elaborately.


A little harsh?

Facing Nature we lose our words, which expresses the understanding of Zen's meaning.
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舌頭那匹温暖的水獸 馴養地在小小的水族箱中 蠕動
那獸說:是的 我願意
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robarts[robarts]
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六品通判
(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
六品通判<BR>(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)


注册时间: 2008-03-24
帖子: 114
来自: Canada

帖子发表于: 星期四 七月 24, 2008 3:01 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

Thank you all for your comments.

温暖的水獸 写到:
Champagne 写到:


christine 写到:
This poem is too consciously reflective to me.


Yes, it's made delicately or elaborately.


A little harsh?

Facing Nature we lose our words, which expresses the understanding of Zen's meaning.


That's my intention to write this poem.
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If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
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二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2007-05-29
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来自: GTA, Canada

帖子发表于: 星期四 七月 24, 2008 8:14 pm    发表主题: Re: Sitting Alone by a Pond 引用并回复

A little wrought to me.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul


最后进行编辑的是 ericcoliu on 星期四 五月 21, 2009 3:09 pm, 总计第 1 次编辑
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christine[christine]
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四品府丞
(封疆大吏也!)
四品府丞<BR>(封疆大吏也!)


注册时间: 2008-02-25
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帖子发表于: 星期六 七月 26, 2008 12:28 pm    发表主题: Re: Sitting Alone by a Pond 引用并回复

ericcoliu 写到:


A little wrought to me.


Just a different poetic inclination.

I like the main theme expressed in your Zen-influenced poem.
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robarts[robarts]
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六品通判
(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
六品通判<BR>(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)


注册时间: 2008-03-24
帖子: 114
来自: Canada

帖子发表于: 星期二 十月 21, 2008 12:52 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

Christine,

Thanks for your kind words and encouraging comment.

Yes, this poem reflects my reading experience of Zen-Buddhism.
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If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
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robarts[robarts]
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六品通判
(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
六品通判<BR>(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)


注册时间: 2008-03-24
帖子: 114
来自: Canada

帖子发表于: 星期四 十月 23, 2008 3:42 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

I've revised my piece again.

I'm not sure of the concluding stanza, especially of its first line.

Any suggestions would be very much appreciated!
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Lake[Lake]
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二品总督
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注册时间: 2006-10-10
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来自: Sky Blue Water

帖子发表于: 星期五 十月 24, 2008 12:13 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

robarts,

It is a nice, serene little poem.

引用:
I'm not sure of the concluding stanza, especially of its first line.


I'm not very keen on "Encountering them" either. And also, does 'them' refer to all the images described in the previous stanzas?

I also think verbs are more powerful than some phrases. For example,
expressions like :

pay their attention, give their consent can be replaced by just verbs.

One person's opinion only.

Cheers
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robarts[robarts]
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六品通判
(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
六品通判<BR>(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)


注册时间: 2008-03-24
帖子: 114
来自: Canada

帖子发表于: 星期二 十月 28, 2008 1:34 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

Lake 写到:


I'm not very keen on "Encountering them" either. And also, does 'them' refer to all the images described in the previous stanzas?


Yes.


Lake 写到:


I also think verbs are more powerful than some phrases. For example, expressions like :

pay their attention, give their consent can be replaced by just verbs.



Lake, thanks for your close reading of my poem and helpful suggestion. I'll mull it over and revise my poem later.
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If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
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robarts[robarts]
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六品通判
(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
六品通判<BR>(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)


注册时间: 2008-03-24
帖子: 114
来自: Canada

帖子发表于: 星期二 十月 28, 2008 1:35 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

Lake 写到:


I'm not very keen on "Encountering them" either. And also, does 'them' refer to all the images described in the previous stanzas?


Yes.


Lake 写到:


I also think verbs are more powerful than some phrases. For example, expressions like :

pay their attention, give their consent can be replaced by just verbs.



Lake, thanks for your close reading of my poem and helpful suggestion. I'll mull it over and revise my poem later.
_________________
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
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Lake[Lake]
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二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2006-10-10
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来自: Sky Blue Water

帖子发表于: 星期三 十一月 05, 2008 12:09 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

I thought I left something unfinished here. Here's my attempt based on your version, hope it still retains the spirit in the original.
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
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二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2007-05-29
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来自: GTA, Canada

帖子发表于: 星期三 十一月 05, 2008 9:29 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

The concluding stanza of your rewrite is quite good and well expresses the mood of the poem.


That’s because two minds and one heart make the work better. It’s a not unusual practice used at a forum I just joined two months ago. By the way, poets there frequently write poems as replies and tribute poems to one another, which, in my view, are part of the poetic traditions throughout the human history, surely including the Chinese one (ironically I rediscovered this tradition at an Anglo-American-dominated forum). Even a new member like me, I’ve so far received three poems as replies to my work. They read and think through my work and are interested in the topics discussed in my work. Quite a rewarding experience.

Your “why” raises a big question for every and each of participants here: why have we forgotten these traditions?

Hopefully, these beautiful and encouraging traditions can be restored here. Everyone can read and write beyond one’s work.


Though I'm glad that you raised this question long-neglected by participants here, no one at the forum I just mentioned above has raised it; maybe that's one of the reasons it is listed as one of the "101 Best Websites for Writers" by Writer's Digest.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul


最后进行编辑的是 ericcoliu on 星期四 五月 21, 2009 3:10 pm, 总计第 2 次编辑
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Lake[Lake]
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二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water

帖子发表于: 星期三 十一月 05, 2008 2:42 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

ericcoliu 写到:


It’s a not unusual practice used at a forum I just joined two months ago. By the way, poets there frequently write poems as replies and tribute poems to one another, Even a new member like me, I’ve so far received three poems as replies to my work.



Thanks for your reply, Eric. It's simply out of curiosity, nothing serious.

To my understanding, 'reply' and 'co-author' are different things (correct me if I'm wrong). The former is more common than the later, especially in poetry writing. I've received quite a few such 'replies', too, but never written anything co-authored. Just wondering how it would happen. It doesn't mean it won't happen - I personally read a couple of poems with two people's names on - it is just not as a common practice as 'reply'.

Sorry for stealing this thread for the question. I'm afraid I've created enough turmoil. Maybe it's time for me to take a leave.

PS: My version of the above poem doesn't fall into either of the categories. But rather just another way of practicing how to tighten up ideas and words. And thank you for the opportunity.
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