| 阅读上一个主题 :: 阅读下一个主题 |
| 作者 |
留言 |
anna[星子安娜]
anna作品集
Site Admin
注册时间: 2004-05-02
帖子: 7141
|
 发表于: 星期三 三月 03, 2010 9:19 am 发表主题: Why I want to be bad (for Poetry Challenge) |
 |
|
I have been good.
Being the obedient doll
of your dream house.
You wind my spring,
an angel house spins.
I rise and sing--
that makes your day.
Good girl.
You state your satisfaction.
Closing the door,
You set off to where
neon lights glow.
My eyes darken.
Stars fall apart.
The false paradise,
you never care
what is missing inside.
_________________
---------------------
Anna Yin
《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...
http://annapoetry.com
最后进行编辑的是 anna on 星期六 三月 13, 2010 11:48 am, 总计第 1 次编辑 |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
 |
anna[星子安娜]
anna作品集
Site Admin
注册时间: 2004-05-02
帖子: 7141
|
| 发表于: 星期四 三月 04, 2010 10:28 pm 发表主题: |
|
|
deleted... since it is not good.
_________________
---------------------
Anna Yin
《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...
http://annapoetry.com |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
|
| 发表于: 星期五 三月 05, 2010 2:37 pm 发表主题: Re: Why I want to be bad (for Poetry Challenge) |
|
|
| anna 写到: | I have been good.
Being the obedient doll
of your dream house.
You wind my spring,
an angel house spins.
I rise and sing--
that makes your day.
Good girl.
You authorize your satisfaction.
Closing the door,
You set off to where
neon lights glow.
My eyes darken.
Stars fall apart.
The false paradise,
you never care
what is missed inside. |
Hi anna,
IMHO, the narrator is not you. By that I mean there are no genuine specifics in this poem which could arouse the reader's sympathy. And what does "You authorize your satisfaction" mean?
The false paradise,
you never care
what is missed inside
Since it is a false paradise, why should one care?
This may sound harsh, but I stand by it.
By the way, congrats to your poetry challenge win!
Lake |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
anna[星子安娜]
anna作品集
Site Admin
注册时间: 2004-05-02
帖子: 7141
|
| 发表于: 星期日 三月 07, 2010 9:07 am 发表主题: |
|
|
Thanks lake.
Yes. You are right. This is not my voice. I need to rethink.
Thanks.
Anna
_________________
---------------------
Anna Yin
《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...
http://annapoetry.com |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
anna[星子安娜]
anna作品集
Site Admin
注册时间: 2004-05-02
帖子: 7141
|
| 发表于: 星期一 三月 08, 2010 11:21 am 发表主题: |
|
|
Here is the comments agree with you, Lake..
I love how the first line plays with the title. I might bring one more stanza before the end. As a reader I want to feel a little more empathy for the narrator. The subject goes off to the neon lights and then leaps to an ending which doesn't really impact the way the opening does. We want to know (or at least I do) a little more of why she wants to be bad and perhaps how she wants to be bad. You are very masterful when it comes to nuance. I think you could show this without giving it all away 
e
_________________
---------------------
Anna Yin
《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...
http://annapoetry.com |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
|
常见问题与解答 (FAQ)
搜索
成员列表
成员组
注册
个人资料
登陆查看您的私人留言
登陆
