酷我-北美枫

dundas

Collaborative Version (Valentine's Day Love Poem)

Four Steps to Seducing Calliope (Xiaoshi) co-authored with ericcoliu

Revision I:

First eye to eye
then hand upon hand
later mouth on mouth
and eventually
feet across feet

We are
each other's dream

Revision II:

First eye to eye
then hand upon hand
later mouth on mouth
and eventually
feet across feet

Only then are we a single dream

Original Versions:

I Met You

First eye to eye,
then hand upon hand,
later mouth to mouth,
and eventually,
feet across feet.

Ericcoliu's Poetic Reply:

feet across feet --
we dream
each other's dream
_________________
My throat knew thirst before the structure
Of skin and vein around the well

ericcoliu · 发表于: 星期三十二月 24, 2008 3:58 pm 发表主题: Re: I Met You

christine · 发表于: 星期六十二月 27, 2008 1:57 pm 发表主题:

I don't think you need the last line, and you title can function as a run-on title.

Nicely written.

ericcoliu · 发表于: 星期日十二月 28, 2008 6:25 pm 发表主题:

dundas · 发表于: 星期二十二月 30, 2008 1:04 pm 发表主题:

fanfan · 发表于: 星期四一月 01, 2009 10:24 am 发表主题:

I think the revision is less sensual and thus becomes romanticized when juxtaposed with ericcoliu’s reply.
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon.

dundas · 发表于: 星期四二月 05, 2009 4:18 pm 发表主题:

robarts · 发表于: 星期一二月 09, 2009 2:01 pm 发表主题: Re: I Met You

ericcoliu · 发表于: 星期三二月 11, 2009 9:32 am 发表主题: Re: I Met You

ericcoliu · 发表于: 星期五二月 13, 2009 5:02 pm 发表主题:

I've revised my poem.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul

浴恩福

ericcoliu

ericcoliu · 发表于: 星期五二月 20, 2009 4:51 pm 发表主题:

Here is another take on the concluding line:

Only then are we a single dream.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul

dundas · 发表于: 星期六二月 28, 2009 1:47 pm 发表主题:

Thank you all for your thoughtful comments and helpful suggestions.