| 阅读上一个主题 :: 阅读下一个主题 |
| 作者 |
留言 |
christine[christine]
christine作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2008-02-25
帖子: 304
|
 发表于: 星期三 二月 11, 2009 6:57 pm 发表主题: A Woman Shot by Cupid’s Arrow (revised) |
 |
|
最后进行编辑的是 christine on 星期五 二月 20, 2009 7:53 pm, 总计第 3 次编辑 |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
 |
ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
|
| 发表于: 星期四 二月 12, 2009 10:32 am 发表主题: Re: A Woman Shot by Cupid’s Arrow |
|
|
| christine 写到: |
A Woman Shot by Cupid’s Arrow
I
live and sleep
with you
aging over time --
yet the same man
i married 17 years ago
|
The emotionally-charged phrase.
The opening line is good.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
浴恩福[浴恩福]
浴恩福作品集
六品通判
（官儿做大了，保持廉洁哦）
注册时间: 2008-05-08
帖子: 123
来自: 多倫多
|
| 发表于: 星期四 二月 12, 2009 2:02 pm 发表主题: Re: A Woman Shot by Cupid’s Arrow |
|
|
| christine 写到: | A Woman Shot by Cupid’s Arrow
I
live and sleep
with you
aging over time --
yet the same man
i married 17 years ago
|
The third line can be the pivot line. Good read.
_________________
報三恩、耕三大福田 |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
Champagne[Champagne]
Champagne作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-09-15
帖子: 394
来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
|
| 发表于: 星期五 二月 13, 2009 8:43 pm 发表主题: Re: A Woman Shot by Cupid’s Arrow |
|
|
| christine 写到: |
II
all ears
attuned to your words
like ripples
chase the caress
of spring breeze |
A well-crafted, emotive tanka infused with evocative images.
_________________
I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
fanfan[FAFAFA]
fanfan作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada
|
| 发表于: 星期六 二月 14, 2009 11:14 pm 发表主题: Re: A Woman Shot by Cupid’s Arrow |
|
|
| 浴恩福 写到: |
The third line can be the pivot line. Good read. |
I concur!
Yes, it refers both to the top two lines as well as the bottom two lines.
And “yet’ carries emotional weight to the poem.
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon. |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
christine[christine]
christine作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2008-02-25
帖子: 304
|
| 发表于: 星期三 二月 18, 2009 9:59 am 发表主题: Re: A Woman Shot by Cupid’s Arrow |
|
|
Thanks for your close reading and thoughtful comments.
| fanfan 写到: |
| 浴恩福 写到: |
The third line can be the pivot line. Good read. |
I concur!
Yes, it refers both to the top two lines as well as the bottom two lines.
And “yet’ carries emotional weight to the poem. |
Yes.
Generally speaking, Japanese tanka are roughly divided into two parts, which hinge on the "tanka twist." |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
温暖的水獸[温暖的水獸]
温暖的水獸作品集
五品知州
（再努力一把就是四品大员了！）
注册时间: 2008-04-23
帖子: 153
来自: 水族箱
|
| 发表于: 星期四 二月 19, 2009 5:02 pm 发表主题: Re: A Woman Shot by Cupid’s Arrow |
|
|
| christine 写到: | A Woman Shot by Cupid’s Arrow
I
live and sleep
with you
aging over time --
yet the same man
i married 17 years ago
|
Here is my take:
living, sleeping
aging
with you --
yet the same man
i married 17 years ago
_________________
舌頭那匹温暖的水獸 馴養地在小小的水族箱中 蠕動
那獸說：是的 我願意 |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
|
| 发表于: 星期四 二月 19, 2009 9:19 pm 发表主题: Re: A Woman Shot by Cupid’s Arrow |
|
|
| christine 写到: |
II
all ears
attuned to your words
like ripples
chase the caress
of spring breeze |
might be
all ears
attuned to your words --
ripples
caressing the breath
of Spring.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
christine[christine]
christine作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2008-02-25
帖子: 304
|
| 发表于: 星期五 二月 20, 2009 7:54 pm 发表主题: |
|
|
Thank 温暖的水獸 and ericcoliu for your helpful suggestions.
I've made some revisions to my tanka sequence. |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
robarts[robarts]
robarts作品集
六品通判
（官儿做大了，保持廉洁哦）
注册时间: 2008-03-24
帖子: 114
来自: Canada
|
| 发表于: 星期一 三月 02, 2009 2:37 pm 发表主题: Re: A Woman Shot by Cupid’s Arrow (revised) |
|
|
| christine 写到: |
II
all ears
attuned to your words --
ripples
caressing the breath
of Spring. |
I am impressed by this imagery, which well portrays a role reversal relationship between the acting agent and the object of the action.
_________________
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all. |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
christine[christine]
christine作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2008-02-25
帖子: 304
|
| 发表于: 星期五 三月 06, 2009 11:57 am 发表主题: Re: A Woman Shot by Cupid’s Arrow (revised) |
|
|
| robarts 写到: |
I am impressed by this imagery, which well portrays a role reversal relationship between the acting agent and the object of the action. |
Yes, thanks for your discerning eye for my poem. |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
|
常见问题与解答 (FAQ)
搜索
成员列表
成员组
注册
个人资料
登陆查看您的私人留言
登陆
