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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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 发表于: 星期二 十二月 02, 2008 12:35 pm 发表主题: snow variations |
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steam blurs my window
I wipe it off –
snowflakes shower !
a silver glow
on this moonless night
what can it be?
I roll up the blinds
ah! the first snow!
~~~~~~~~~~
falling
on this still green grass
first snow
snow shatters
from an oak
a raven takes off
snowy wind -
sound of silk
tearing bare branches
fresh footprints
leading toward the woods
a deeper winter
quiet alarm clock
what’s the morning noise?
snow plow outside
~~~~~~~~
bathroom mirror
she writes I love you
in steam
north wind whips snow across
the prairie into a silver dune
charity bell
rings soundless
holiday shoppers
this year no gifts wrapped up yet
a lone Christmas tree
(I may keep adding more to it.)
最后进行编辑的是 Lake on 星期三 十二月 24, 2008 11:22 pm, 总计第 3 次编辑 |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
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| 发表于: 星期三 十二月 03, 2008 10:59 am 发表主题: Re: snow variations |
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Hi! Lake:
I think the title of your poem is a little formal, one which constantly appears in technical reports.
| Lake 写到: |
steam blurs my window
I wipe it off –
snowflakes shower !
a silver glow
on this moonless night
what can it be?
I roll up the blinds
ah! the first snow![/b]
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The lines marked above reveal a comic tone of subtlety.
| Lake 写到: |
(I may keep adding more to it.) |
Looking forward to reading your poems.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期三 十二月 03, 2008 9:04 pm 发表主题: Re: snow variations |
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Eric,
You words throw me off a little.
| ericcoliu 写到: |
I think the title of your poem is a little formal, one which constantly appears in technical reports. |
eh, technical reports? I'm not a technical person, all I was thinking about is variations in music.
| ericcoliu 写到: |
| Lake 写到: |
steam blurs my window
I wipe it off –
snowflakes shower !
a silver glow
on this moonless night
what can it be?
I roll up the blinds
ah! the first snow![/b]
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The lines marked above reveal a comic tone of subtlety.
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Again, a comic tone? I have to assure you that there's no pun intended here for 'blind'. The first verse is a view from the window, the second conveys a moment of pleasant surprise.
Good to know how people read it.
Thanks much.
Lake |
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christine[christine]
christine作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2008-02-25
帖子: 304
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| 发表于: 星期四 十二月 04, 2008 10:23 am 发表主题: Re: snow variations |
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| Lake 写到: | Eric,
You words throw me off a little.
| ericcoliu 写到: |
I think the title of your poem is a little formal, one which constantly appears in technical reports. |
eh, technical reports? I'm not a technical person, all I was thinking about is variations in music.
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I think the tile is OK, just less poetic. However, when I googled it, the majority of the web pages where it appears fell into the category of "technical reports."
| Lake 写到: |
Again, a comic tone? I have to assure you that there's no pun intended here for 'blind'. The first verse is a view from the window, the second conveys a moment of pleasant surprise.
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LOL!
Borges-esque "creative misreading."
Lake, Eric played the linguistic game with you. |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
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| 发表于: 星期四 十二月 04, 2008 5:00 pm 发表主题: |
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| Lake 写到: |
Good to know how people read it.
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Yes, I concur!
| Lake 写到: | It may not be the best title, but here's the definition of variations which I go by in this poem.
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Good. The author knows best.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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川生[川生]
川生作品集
七品按察司
（我开始管这里的事儿了）
注册时间: 2008-09-18
帖子: 72
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| 发表于: 星期五 十二月 05, 2008 10:51 am 发表主题: Re: snow variations |
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| christine 写到: |
Borges-esque "creative misreading."
Lake, Eric played the linguistic game with you. |
Do you mean exactly by Borges-esque "creative misreading?
Deliberately taken and read out of context?
Lake,
I think the title is fine and I like poem I best, especially the word "shower."
_________________
Lines go off in all directions. |
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Champagne[Champagne]
Champagne作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-09-15
帖子: 394
来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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| 发表于: 星期五 十二月 05, 2008 3:04 pm 发表主题: Re: snow variations |
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| Lake 写到: |
a silver glow
on this moonless night
what can it be?
I roll up the blinds
ah! the first snow![/b]
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Two "!"s in one line.
"!" is usually used after an exclamation to indicate strong feelings or high volume, often marking the end of a sentence.
Don't you think it's too strong?
ah! the first snow!
might be
the first snow!
Just a thought.
_________________
I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期五 十二月 05, 2008 8:22 pm 发表主题: Re: snow variations |
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| Champagne 写到: |
Two "!"s in one line.
Don't you think it's too strong?
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Thanks for bringing this up. It's a comma in my initial draft, it goes like this:
silver lights
glow in the darkness
is it moonshine?
I roll up the blinds -
ah, the first snowfall!
I'll change it back to (,).
Tanka is a song, so it carries lyrical descriptions imbued with feelings and emotions.
Thanks for your comments. |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期二 十二月 16, 2008 11:47 pm 发表主题: |
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| A few more. |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期三 十二月 24, 2008 11:23 pm 发表主题: |
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| Another batch added. |
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连南河[FFFFFF]
连南河作品集
三品按察使
（天，你是斑竹吧？）
注册时间: 2008-01-14
帖子: 861
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| 发表于: 星期四 十二月 25, 2008 12:26 pm 发表主题: |
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| season's greetings! |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期六 十二月 27, 2008 4:17 pm 发表主题: |
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Thanks 连南河.
A very happy new year to you and all!
Lake |
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robarts[robarts]
robarts作品集
六品通判
（官儿做大了，保持廉洁哦）
注册时间: 2008-03-24
帖子: 114
来自: Canada
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| 发表于: 星期二 十二月 30, 2008 10:11 am 发表主题: Re: snow variations |
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| Lake 写到: |
snowy wind -
sound of silk
tearing bare branches
(I may keep adding more to it.) |
A wonderful poem for "ear training" and "eye training."
The visual and aural aspects of the poem is well crafted. I like it.
Look forward to reading more poems from you.
_________________
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all. |
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