酷我-北美枫

ericcoliu

Reading and Writing: Life on the Page

I Wash My Face as Usual

I gazed in the mirror,
wrinkles stamped deep
across my brows.
I saw my worst foe
whispering
Who are you?

I gaze in the mirror,
oblivious
to furrowed brows,
and wash my face
as usual.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul

ericcoliu · 发表于: 星期五十一月 21, 2008 7:39 am 发表主题:

Below is the reply emailed by my friend. Mary:

In version I,you could also say "furrowed brows".That is a more usual way of referring to wrinkled brows. the word comes from the way a field looks when it has been ploughed.

I prefer version I.The reader knows that it is soul without the writer saying it.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul

浴恩福 · 发表于: 星期五十一月 21, 2008 1:36 pm 发表主题:

ericcoliu · 发表于: 星期六十一月 22, 2008 11:05 pm 发表主题:

Thanks for the read and your suggestion. I'll mull it over and revise my poem later.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul

robarts · 发表于: 星期一十一月 24, 2008 1:09 pm 发表主题:

Lake · 发表于: 星期一十一月 24, 2008 4:33 pm 发表主题:

Eric,

This applies to everyone who has realized the changes as time slips by.

I wonder if there's any reason present tense can't be used. And I'm not quite sure if the repetition in S1 and S3 works well here, and that dangling "I saw". I like "As usual, I washed my face" better than "Yet, I still washed my face. "

Lake

ericcoliu · 发表于: 星期一十一月 24, 2008 8:24 pm 发表主题:

Lake, thanks for your close reading and helpful comments.

I’ve discarded version II.

ericcoliu · 发表于: 星期一十一月 24, 2008 8:30 pm 发表主题:

ericcoliu · 发表于: 星期二十一月 25, 2008 8:57 pm 发表主题:

Thank Lake for the read and helpful suggestions. I've rewrote my poem accordingly.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul

dundas · 发表于: 星期六十一月 29, 2008 4:48 pm 发表主题:

Interesting to see different verb tenses employed in the poem.

ericcoliu · 发表于: 星期一十二月 01, 2008 9:00 am 发表主题:

Lake

christine · 发表于: 星期四十二月 04, 2008 10:37 am 发表主题:

I like Lake's line breaking.

ericcoliu