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川生[川生]
川生作品集
七品按察司
（我开始管这里的事儿了）
注册时间: 2008-09-18
帖子: 72
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 发表于: 星期二 十月 21, 2008 2:16 pm 发表主题: Autumn Songs (four versions) |
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Autumn Songs
I
Autumn melancholy –
in a world of falling leaves,
the sound of wind.
(By the way, today is extremely windy here in Toronto. I was almost tempted to conclude my haiku with a line like this: the howling sound of wind.)
II by Lake
melancholy fall -
in a world of swirling leaves,
sound of howling wind.
III by ericcoliu
Autumn sonata –
in a world of colourful breezes
the tattoo of dancing leaves
IV Autumn Songs by ericcoliu
blues –
in a world of swirling leaves,
sound of howling wind.
sonata –
in a world of colorful breezes,
tattoo of dancing leaves.
_________________
Lines go off in all directions.
最后进行编辑的是 川生 on 星期二 十一月 25, 2008 1:08 pm, 总计第 4 次编辑 |
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hahaview[hahaview]
hahaview作品集
六品通判
（官儿做大了，保持廉洁哦）
注册时间: 2008-02-07
帖子: 103
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| 发表于: 星期三 十月 22, 2008 10:18 am 发表主题: |
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Hi ! 川生:
This poem captures my experience on Bowmore Road the early this morning.
_________________
I came, I saw, and I conquered |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期三 十月 22, 2008 3:01 pm 发表主题: Re: Autumn Melancholy |
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| 川生 写到: | Autumn Melancholy
Autumn Melancholy –
in a world of falling leaves,
the sound of wind.
(By the way, today is extremely windy here in Toronto. I was almost tempted to conclude my haiku with a line like this: the howling sound of wind.) |
If you want it strict 5/7/5, here is my take:
melancholy fall -
in a world of swirling leaves,
sound of howling wind. |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
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| 发表于: 星期三 十月 22, 2008 4:07 pm 发表主题: Re: Autumn Melancholy |
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| 川生 写到: | Autumn Melancholy
Autumn Melancholy –
in a world of falling leaves,
the sound of wind.
(By the way, today is extremely windy here in Toronto. I was almost tempted to conclude my haiku with a line like this: the howling sound of wind.) |
Why capitalizes melancholy?
It’s too depressing.
Below is my take:
Autumn sonata –
in a world of colourful breezes
the tattoo of dancing leaves
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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川生[川生]
川生作品集
七品按察司
（我开始管这里的事儿了）
注册时间: 2008-09-18
帖子: 72
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| 发表于: 星期二 十月 28, 2008 12:20 pm 发表主题: Re: Autumn Songs (three versions) |
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| Lake 写到: |
If you want it strict 5/7/5, here is my take:
melancholy fall -
in a world of swirling leaves,
sound of howling wind. |
| ericcoliu 写到: |
Why capitalizes melancholy?
It’s too depressing.
Below is my take:
Autumn sonata –
in a world of colourful breezes
the tattoo of dancing leaves |
A typo.
Thank both of you for the read and your well-crafted rewrites. And allow me put your rewrites into the thread.
_________________
Lines go off in all directions. |
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川生[川生]
川生作品集
七品按察司
（我开始管这里的事儿了）
注册时间: 2008-09-18
帖子: 72
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| 发表于: 星期二 十月 28, 2008 12:26 pm 发表主题: |
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| hahaview 写到: |
This poem captures my experience on Bowmore Road the early this morning. |
Thanks for your encouraging comments.
I've changed the title to Autumn Songs (three versions).
_________________
Lines go off in all directions. |
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robarts[robarts]
robarts作品集
六品通判
（官儿做大了，保持廉洁哦）
注册时间: 2008-03-24
帖子: 114
来自: Canada
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| 发表于: 星期二 十月 28, 2008 1:25 pm 发表主题: Re: Autumn Songs (three versions) |
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| 川生 写到: | Autumn Songs
I
Autumn melancholy –
in a world of falling leaves,
the sound of wind.
II by Lake
melancholy fall -
in a world of swirling leaves,
sound of howling wind.
III by ericcoliu
Autumn sonata –
in a world of colourful breezes
the tattoo of dancing leaves |
Well-written lines. And I like the imagery revealed by these lines.
_________________
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all. |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
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| 发表于: 星期一 十一月 24, 2008 9:02 pm 发表主题: |
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The repetition of the word "autumn" is unnecessary.
Below is my another take:
I.
blues –
in a world of swirling leaves,
sound of howling wind.
II
sonata –
in a world of colorful breezes,
tattoo of dancing leaves.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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| 返回页首 |
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川生[川生]
川生作品集
七品按察司
（我开始管这里的事儿了）
注册时间: 2008-09-18
帖子: 72
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| 发表于: 星期二 十一月 25, 2008 1:07 pm 发表主题: |
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| ericcoliu 写到: | The repetition of the word "autumn" is unnecessary.
Below is my another take:
I.
blues –
in a world of swirling leaves,
sound of howling wind.
II
sonata –
in a world of colorful breezes,
tattoo of dancing leaves. |
Yes.
Thanks for your rewrite, which is more succinct.
_________________
Lines go off in all directions. |
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