酷我-北美枫

[anna]

Final and hidden for submission to USA.

[[星子安娜]]

Final and hidden for submission to USA.

[Lake]

I've never written a poem out of a picture, simply lack of imagination. So I admire those who can.

This poem sounds like "who's who" theme to me.

[[Lake]]

I've never written a poem out of a picture, simply lack of imagination. So I admire those who can.

This poem sounds like "who's who" theme to me.

[anna]

Hi Lake,

yes, there are a few typos. I revised it. Thanks.

BTW, just want to share comments from another forum, which I did not post the photo and wonder how others view the poem without a photo or any clue. Then very interesting comments and thoughts float...

Very interesting poem. In your ending, I was kind of
wondering if "snapped" meant having some kind of a mental
breakdown or taking a photograph (which is of course what's
been written previously about) but it sounded like something
different.

I especially like this part but had trouble with the voice falling
and being traced at the same time. I'm also
uncertain as to why black and white is capitalized and I think that means a black ad white photo.

Quote:
No one could trace
his fallen voice.
The mixed Black’s and White’s
present his untamed life

----KayZ


Quote:
He hides his face
in stripes.
Turn inwards,
or turn outwards,
the dusty wind.

we wonder if these are separate clauses-- should it be 'turns inwards' & '... turns outwards'? we don't mind the inversion.

No one could trace
his fallen voice.
The mixed Black’s and White’s
present his untamed life.

we like the enjambment of 'No one could trace' & the chime with 'face' of S1,L1. These, we are pretty sure would be better as not independent clauses; think the possessive of 'Black's and White's' wrong.

Once I met him
in a dream,
eyes, deep and blue,
figure, blur and distant.

It seems here, lines 3 & 4, "his" is implicit (i.e. his eyes, his figure). It would be more properly 'blurred and distant', but we wish for some image/movement here, instead of statement.

Now I watch him
in a snapshot from a jungle,
and remember that moment
I snapped,
as I framed myself inside.

maybe something like:

Now I watch him
in a snapshot, and remember
the movement
of the jungle, the moment
I framed
myself inside.

in this we lose the 'I snapped' & with title of In a Tangled Mind, a confirmation of mental breakdown (which we like), but we don't like the two 'snap's of this S, and don't think the mental breakdown aspects are otherwise justified by the piece. We may be way out of line, but he, in the poem, is a (bengal) tiger, or a zebra (Black and White stripes)? we'd like to think tiger. Anyway, what would be mentally unstable about being tiger or zebra in and of itself? As far as the N then in union with an animal nature, is not so unusual a practice/concept to us, to be mentally unhinging.


---Dug

You had me totally with you the 1st 3 stanza's thought). For me this was someone in jail, and the way the mind can unhinge. I especially liked S1 for the way it was worded: in a cell you can turn outwards, you can turn inwards, it doesn't matter. (expressed so complete and simple in "dusty wind).

S2: more of the same. excellent, tight descriptions to convey how far (down) he has come. It's all a series of B & W photographs, his "untamed life." (again, great).

S3: as dream do, especially of such stark things, you dream his eyes into blue. The rest becomes blur and distant.

So, I a completely baffled by S4. I have no doubt missed this poem entirely. I hope the Black and Whites doesn't refer to zebra's. I tried reconciling the tiger to something about my jail cell, but I couldn't figure out how.

Tom
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Hi Lake,

yes, there are a few typos. I revised it. Thanks.

BTW, just want to share comments from another forum, which I did not post the photo and wonder how others view the poem without a photo or any clue. Then very interesting comments and thoughts float...

Very interesting poem. In your ending, I was kind of
wondering if "snapped" meant having some kind of a mental
breakdown or taking a photograph (which is of course what's
been written previously about) but it sounded like something
different.

I especially like this part but had trouble with the voice falling
and being traced at the same time. I'm also
uncertain as to why black and white is capitalized and I think that means a black ad white photo.

Quote:
No one could trace
his fallen voice.
The mixed Black’s and White’s
present his untamed life

----KayZ


Quote:
He hides his face
in stripes.
Turn inwards,
or turn outwards,
the dusty wind.

we wonder if these are separate clauses-- should it be 'turns inwards' & '... turns outwards'? we don't mind the inversion.

No one could trace
his fallen voice.
The mixed Black’s and White’s
present his untamed life.

we like the enjambment of 'No one could trace' & the chime with 'face' of S1,L1. These, we are pretty sure would be better as not independent clauses; think the possessive of 'Black's and White's' wrong.

Once I met him
in a dream,
eyes, deep and blue,
figure, blur and distant.

It seems here, lines 3 & 4, "his" is implicit (i.e. his eyes, his figure). It would be more properly 'blurred and distant', but we wish for some image/movement here, instead of statement.

Now I watch him
in a snapshot from a jungle,
and remember that moment
I snapped,
as I framed myself inside.

maybe something like:

Now I watch him
in a snapshot, and remember
the movement
of the jungle, the moment
I framed
myself inside.

in this we lose the 'I snapped' & with title of In a Tangled Mind, a confirmation of mental breakdown (which we like), but we don't like the two 'snap's of this S, and don't think the mental breakdown aspects are otherwise justified by the piece. We may be way out of line, but he, in the poem, is a (bengal) tiger, or a zebra (Black and White stripes)? we'd like to think tiger. Anyway, what would be mentally unstable about being tiger or zebra in and of itself? As far as the N then in union with an animal nature, is not so unusual a practice/concept to us, to be mentally unhinging.


---Dug

You had me totally with you the 1st 3 stanza's thought). For me this was someone in jail, and the way the mind can unhinge. I especially liked S1 for the way it was worded: in a cell you can turn outwards, you can turn inwards, it doesn't matter. (expressed so complete and simple in "dusty wind).

S2: more of the same. excellent, tight descriptions to convey how far (down) he has come. It's all a series of B & W photographs, his "untamed life." (again, great).

S3: as dream do, especially of such stark things, you dream his eyes into blue. The rest becomes blur and distant.

So, I a completely baffled by S4. I have no doubt missed this poem entirely. I hope the Black and Whites doesn't refer to zebra's. I tried reconciling the tiger to something about my jail cell, but I couldn't figure out how.

Tom
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

and with photo posted, the comments from Penshell.

Anna,

Another gem. You are really on a roll or perhaps it's just me gaining familiarity with your work and aesthetic.

This is picture perfect. I think the end line was a great surprise and everything worked together to take me there. I like the zebra face and the aspects of black and white, dark and light that magnify the character of the subject. Little thoughts:


He hides his face
in stripes.
Turn(s) inward[s],
or [turn] outward[s],

I think it might read better this way but a choice for you.
the dusty wind.

No one could trace
his fallen voice.
The mixed Black[']s and White[']s (no apostropher as this is not possessive)
present his untamed life. (beautifully expressed!)

Once I met him
in a dream,
eyes, deep and blue,
figure, blur(ed) and distant.

Now I watch him
in a (photo) [snapshot] from a jungle,
and remember (the) [that] moment
I snapped,
as I framed myself inside.


I suggest changing to photo because you already have "snapped". The dual meaning of snap here is perfecto. I change the "that" to a "the" for grammatical reasons.

Lovely and memorable. I have read several times....

e
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

and with photo posted, the comments from Penshell.

Anna,

Another gem. You are really on a roll or perhaps it's just me gaining familiarity with your work and aesthetic.

This is picture perfect. I think the end line was a great surprise and everything worked together to take me there. I like the zebra face and the aspects of black and white, dark and light that magnify the character of the subject. Little thoughts:


He hides his face
in stripes.
Turn(s) inward[s],
or [turn] outward[s],

I think it might read better this way but a choice for you.
the dusty wind.

No one could trace
his fallen voice.
The mixed Black[']s and White[']s (no apostropher as this is not possessive)
present his untamed life. (beautifully expressed!)

Once I met him
in a dream,
eyes, deep and blue,
figure, blur(ed) and distant.

Now I watch him
in a (photo) [snapshot] from a jungle,
and remember (the) [that] moment
I snapped,
as I framed myself inside.


I suggest changing to photo because you already have "snapped". The dual meaning of snap here is perfecto. I change the "that" to a "the" for grammatical reasons.

Lovely and memorable. I have read several times....

e
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[星子]

Other comments from poets

annayn:

Because of the he, change the title to The Zebro. No, I am not kidding. This piece needs a little daring-do and the title would explain more that you could otherwise.
And you wouldn't need to show a picture. Do it, and I guarantee sucess.
Or at least lots of controversy, which is the same thing.

Best:

Lima
_________________

[[ANNA]]

Other comments from poets

annayn:

Because of the he, change the title to The Zebro. No, I am not kidding. This piece needs a little daring-do and the title would explain more that you could otherwise.
And you wouldn't need to show a picture. Do it, and I guarantee sucess.
Or at least lots of controversy, which is the same thing.

Best:

Lima
_________________

[anna]

comments from Cutting ---

I love this view of the Zebra and how he becomes a poetic icon to define the ways of human thinking. How often do we as individuals lose our perspective between the lines of Black and White. We become tangled in the gray matter of thought and the truth becomes the "untamed wind" we seek to capture. And here, you peer into his stance and coloration, you see an aspect of yourself, a kindship that reflects your own search for self-identification and goals.

I love this,
very, very clever --
Thank you,
Wendy
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

comments from Cutting ---

I love this view of the Zebra and how he becomes a poetic icon to define the ways of human thinking. How often do we as individuals lose our perspective between the lines of Black and White. We become tangled in the gray matter of thought and the truth becomes the "untamed wind" we seek to capture. And here, you peer into his stance and coloration, you see an aspect of yourself, a kindship that reflects your own search for self-identification and goals.

I love this,
very, very clever --
Thank you,
Wendy
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

From Cutting ---

Loved the metaphor of prison bars
disguised as stripes.

Any reason you capitalized B/W?

Following are some suggestions...

1. turn (into?) the wind?

2. alternating instead of mixed black & white?

3. A different word for "present"?

4. in a jungle photo (?)

5. as if I [framed] (or barred? or?) myself inside.

Just things that I thought stand out for your consideration.

_russ
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

From Cutting ---

Loved the metaphor of prison bars
disguised as stripes.

Any reason you capitalized B/W?

Following are some suggestions...

1. turn (into?) the wind?

2. alternating instead of mixed black & white?

3. A different word for "present"?

4. in a jungle photo (?)

5. as if I [framed] (or barred? or?) myself inside.

Just things that I thought stand out for your consideration.

_russ
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com