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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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 发表于: 星期二 九月 16, 2008 10:54 am 发表主题: Moonless Night (two versions) |
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Version 2
Moonless Night
Even the stars have lost their luster,
and the crickets have stopped chirping.
The sound of vehicles
in the black streets, the rainy wind,
underline the silence.
No wine. No moon. No verses.
Only mooncakes, once glazed
with smiles and whispers,
lie anxious
in an exquisite tin box.
Version 1
Moonless Night
Even stars lost their luster,
and crickets stopped chirping.
The sound of vehicles in the distance
underlined the silence.
Black streets, rainy wind.
No wine. No moon. No verses.
Only mooncakes, once glazed
with smiles and whispers, lay anxious
in an exquisite tin box.
最后进行编辑的是 Lake on 星期二 九月 23, 2008 9:31 pm, 总计第 2 次编辑 |
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anna[星子安娜]
anna作品集
Site Admin
注册时间: 2004-05-02
帖子: 7141
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| 发表于: 星期二 九月 16, 2008 5:02 pm 发表主题: |
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Hi Lake,
This is good.
Only mooncakes, once glazed
with smiles and whispers, lay anxious
in an exquisite tin box.
The ending is the highlight.
The sound of vehicles in the distance
underlined the silence.
(I think you could improve these lines by use of images as your other lines)
_________________
---------------------
Anna Yin
《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...
http://annapoetry.com |
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christine[christine]
christine作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2008-02-25
帖子: 304
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| 发表于: 星期二 九月 16, 2008 7:02 pm 发表主题: Re: Moonless Night |
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A image-centred poem which conveys the tone of tranquility.
| Lake 写到: |
Only mooncakes, once glazed
with smiles and whispers, lay anxious
in an exquisite tin box. |
once glazed or glazing? |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
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| 发表于: 星期二 九月 16, 2008 11:52 pm 发表主题: Re: Moonless Night |
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| christine 写到: |
A[n] image-centred poem which conveys the tone of tranquility.
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| Lake 写到: |
Black streets, rainy wind.
No wine. No moon. No verses.
Only mooncakes, once glazed
with smiles and whispers, lay anxious
in an exquisite tin box. |
It seems to me that there is something deeply felt in the concluding stanza.
| Lake 写到: |
No wine. No moon. No verses.
|
Hmm. Very interesting. Are you telling me you don't like Li Bai's poem or mine? 
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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Champagne[Champagne]
Champagne作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-09-15
帖子: 394
来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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| 发表于: 星期三 九月 17, 2008 8:24 am 发表主题: Re: Moonless Night |
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| ericcoliu 写到: |
| christine 写到: |
A[n] image-centred poem which conveys the tone of tranquility.
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| Lake 写到: |
Black streets, rainy wind.
No wine. No moon. No verses.
Only mooncakes, once glazed
with smiles and whispers, lay anxious
in an exquisite tin box. |
It seems to me that there is something deeply felt in the concluding stanza.
|
Yes.
I think it would be better if you structure your poem as the following form:
| Lake 写到: |
Moonless Night
Even stars lost their luster,
and crickets stopped chirping.
The sound of vehicles in the distance
underlined the silence.
Black streets, rainy wind.
No wine. No moon. No verses.
Only mooncakes, once glazed
with smiles and whispers, lay anxious
in an exquisite tin box. |
My reason for this form is that the first stanza set the scene while the last one emphasizes the theme.
_________________
I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期三 九月 17, 2008 10:05 am 发表主题: |
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| anna 写到: |
The sound of vehicles in the distance
underlined the silence.
(I think you could improve these lines by use of images as your other lines) |
Thanks anna.
Actually after reading it a couple of times, I kind of like this couplet for the sound of it (alliteration, assonance) and the meaning of it (what's there and what's not).
最后进行编辑的是 Lake on 星期三 九月 17, 2008 10:41 am, 总计第 1 次编辑 |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期三 九月 17, 2008 10:10 am 发表主题: Re: Moonless Night |
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| christine 写到: | A image-centred poem which conveys the tone of tranquility.
once glazed or glazing? |
Some people feel it is calming.
I first used 'glazing with', then someone corrected me with 'glazed'. I guess that is what it meant - (which was) glazed with...
Thanks for the read and thought. |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期三 九月 17, 2008 10:20 am 发表主题: Re: Moonless Night |
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| ericcoliu 写到: |
Black streets, rainy wind.
No wine. No moon. No verses.
Only mooncakes, once glazed
with smiles and whispers, lay anxious
in an exquisite tin box.
It seems to me that there is something deeply felt in the concluding stanza. |
Yes, there is a kind of tension felt there. You got it.
| ericcoliu 写到: |
No wine. No moon. No verses.
Hmm. Very interesting. Are you telling me you don't like Li Bai's poem or mine? |
 It is just that the moon didn't come as it was supposed to, neither did Li Bai, nor poems, of course. |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期三 九月 17, 2008 10:31 am 发表主题: Re: Moonless Night |
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| Champagne 写到: |
I think it would be better if you structure your poem as the following form:
Moonless Night
Even stars lost their luster,
and crickets stopped chirping.
The sound of vehicles in the distance
underlined the silence.
Black streets, rainy wind.
No wine. No moon. No verses.
Only mooncakes, once glazed
with smiles and whispers, lay anxious
in an exquisite tin box.
My reason for this form is that the first stanza set the scene while the last one emphasizes the theme. |
Thanks Champagne. Very helpful suggestion. I'll post another one with the lines rearranged. |
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川生[川生]
川生作品集
七品按察司
（我开始管这里的事儿了）
注册时间: 2008-09-18
帖子: 72
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| 发表于: 星期一 九月 22, 2008 12:59 pm 发表主题: Re: Moonless Night |
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| Champagne 写到: |
My reason for this form is that the first stanza set the scene while the last one emphasizes the theme. |
Visually speaking, the setting portrayed in the first stanza is taken a high angle crane shot while the mood and details described in the second one is taken from a close-up shot.
I like the tone and mood of the poem.
_________________
Lines go off in all directions. |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期二 九月 23, 2008 9:31 pm 发表主题: Re: Moonless Night |
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| 川生 写到: |
Visually speaking, the setting portrayed in the first stanza is taken a high angle crane shot while the mood and details described in the second one is taken from a close-up shot.
I like the tone and mood of the poem. |
Thanks 川生. A high angle crane shot vs close-up shot, do you mean formwise? |
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