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A slip of the moon (revised)
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anna[星子安娜]
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帖子发表于: 星期二 九月 09, 2008 8:47 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

ericcoliu 写到:
I just ask you one honest question: did you read Nia's poem and make a comparative reading of my poem and Li's before you make any comment? I think I deserve an honest answer from you because the effort I've put and the time I've spent on this forum.


No. I didn't. I just read comments here. I think it is ok I say what I feel based on my own reading and what others say are others' comments.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
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二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2007-05-29
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来自: GTA, Canada

帖子发表于: 星期二 九月 09, 2008 9:05 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

anna 写到:


No. I didn't. I just read comments here.


I appreciate your giving me an honest answer.

anna 写到:


I think it is ok I say what I feel based on my own reading and what others say are others' comments.


An incomplete reading and a comment copied from others. I believe the majority of participants here are just like you.

Your answer justifies my anger. I know I'm a lousy writer, but I can proudly say to you and myself with no sleepless nights that I am an attentive reader and responsible reviewer. I've done my best to do my work here.

Maybe I should learn something from Dundas’s previously posted poem, English Garden, my reflection on the recent heated debates among fellow poets


English Garden --
A small pond where lone poets,
drunk with desire and longing,
sit alone and reflect upon themselves.

_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul


最后进行编辑的是 ericcoliu on 星期二 九月 09, 2008 10:51 pm, 总计第 1 次编辑
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anna[星子安娜]
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帖子发表于: 星期二 九月 09, 2008 9:22 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

Hi Eric,

I guess you didn't get my point.

And I fear to say this for long time.

I always think your reviewing works are very good.

yet your poems lack some freshness and dynamic.

This is only my opinion. Others may disagree.

Writing is a long way to go for me, I keep reading and writing, but I will accept if I cannot go too far.

So far I still enjoy reading, writing and accepting comments in a good mood, not put myself in too much tense.

and I believe Dundus and others, you know them better than me.

If you really want to keep your dream: writing, I believe one day you will thank me for that, though now you are angry.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
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二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2007-05-29
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帖子发表于: 星期二 九月 09, 2008 9:30 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

anna 写到:


Hi Eric,

I guess you didn't get my point.

And I fear to say this for long time.

I always think your reviewing works are very good.

yet your poems lack some freshness and dynamic.



I think you're the one who has missed the key point here.

The key point here is that each and every one of us should do one's best to read the works by others thoroughly and to give one's honest and responsible review, which means one's own opinion is based on a thorough, surely including contextualized, reading of the work.

If you don't know how to read or want to read thoroughly, how can you be a writer? Unless you're telling me that you're a naturally born writer.

_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul


最后进行编辑的是 ericcoliu on 星期二 九月 09, 2008 6:59 pm, 总计第 2 次编辑
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帖子发表于: 星期二 九月 09, 2008 9:37 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

BTW, I didn't copy the comments from "佩玖"..

I want to say the same a few days ago, but I thought better not to comment.

How to be a writer, I guess there are many ways to be.

Like some people ask me, how could you write poem in English? I guess sometimes they come to me.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
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二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2007-05-29
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帖子发表于: 星期二 九月 09, 2008 9:38 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

anna 写到:


yet your poems lack some freshness and dynamic.



I know I'm a lousy writer, but I can proudly say to you and myself with no sleepless nights that I am an attentive reader and responsible reviewer. I've done my best to do my work here.

But did you read them thoroughly?
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul


最后进行编辑的是 ericcoliu on 星期二 九月 09, 2008 10:33 am, 总计第 1 次编辑
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
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二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2007-05-29
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帖子发表于: 星期二 九月 09, 2008 9:45 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

anna 写到:


Like some people ask me, how could you write poem in English? I guess sometimes they come to me.



Just ask the opinion from anyone which is well versed in poetry and more importantly, who is outside of your circle of poet friends.

No, you should ask yourself just like anyone who is serious about his/her writing in an adopted language has constantly done, have you made any serious progress in your English writing over the past year?

I've done my talking here. Period.

To write in this language is to be alone,
to live on the margin where
loneliness ripens into solitude.

-- Ha Jin, A Free Life
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul


最后进行编辑的是 ericcoliu on 星期二 九月 09, 2008 9:59 am, 总计第 1 次编辑
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帖子发表于: 星期二 九月 09, 2008 9:57 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

Good question.

To tell you the truth, when on the summer writing, I was amazed how many good writers there. It was like an open door and I felt the world so big, and I was smaller.

My circle of poet friends, I guess I don't question them, if you want, your choice. I respect them and I know most of them published poets.

In the summer school, I found many of mine, even published poems, still have room to improve. And I said to my mentor that I thank him for that change. I guess this is the main gain from the course.

Writing is a long time practise. As I said, now I enjoy life more, and put reading and writing in a good mood. In this way, no matter the result, I am in peace.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
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二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2007-05-29
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帖子发表于: 星期二 九月 09, 2008 10:10 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

anna 写到:
Good question.

To tell you the truth, when on the summer writing, I was amazed how many good writers there. It was like an open door and I felt the world so big, and I was smaller.

My circle of poet friends, I guess I don't question them, if you want, your choice. I respect them and I know most of them published poets.

In the summer school, I found many of mine, even published poems, still have room to improve. And I said to my mentor that I thank him for that change. I guess this is the main gain from the course.

Writing is a long time practise. As I said, now I enjoy life more, and put reading and writing in a good mood. In this way, no matter the result, I am in peace.



Show this piece of writing to your friends.
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Lake[Lake]
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二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


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帖子发表于: 星期二 九月 09, 2008 12:44 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

Oh, my! Did I stir up the controversy here? I feel terribly sorry for that. And it seems that the train is derailed. No?

I just want to clear up one thing ( again, my personal opinion only): overused expressions and ideas. They can be used, but better to be used in a new way (as Eric has already pointed in his response to mine), with something fresh and the result will be certainly, surprisingly pleasant.

They can also be used as references, too. Bashō, in his "Journey", referenced quite a lot of the works of the Chinese poets, but he made the notes for every quote used.

This type of writing might be a tribute, a praise, a response, an exchange, an inspiration... you name it.

I wanted to read Nia's poem to get a better understanding of Eric's poem here, say, the intertextual reference, followed the link and got lost. Time's precious, so I gave up. It might be helpful if the direct link of her poem is given or just copy her poem here if possible for the readers' convenience.
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Lake[Lake]
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二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


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帖子发表于: 星期二 九月 09, 2008 1:02 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

(continued)

Another thing I've found out is that one expression may sound trite to some readers but new to some other readers and vise versa (westerners vs. easterners).

And here is a lighthearted poem by one of my friends where you can see what words or expressions are regarded as clichés by his standard:

Putting a spoke in a Wheel of Clichés

Cloud burst
Rain fall
Mountain stream
Gurgling spring
Singing river
Ocean spray
Boiling sun
Water cycle

......

I can't help laughing... But he is so clever making a poem out of these phrases.

Another example: water ripples or rippling water (over used), but another friend wrote in his poem:


......
whispers ripple
through
the silver night

What do you think? I think it is marvelous.

And beware, when you are saying someone is using cliché, at the very moment you are probably doing the same thing. Me included. That's why we need a constant reminder, do we?

Did I make my point clear? Got to go.


最后进行编辑的是 Lake on 星期三 九月 10, 2008 12:02 am, 总计第 1 次编辑
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
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二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2007-05-29
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帖子发表于: 星期二 九月 09, 2008 4:29 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

Lake 写到:


I just want to clear up one thing ( again, my personal opinion only): overused expressions and ideas. They can be used, but better to be used in a new way (as Eric has already pointed in his response to mine), with something fresh and the result will be certainly, surprisingly pleasant.

They can also be used as references, too. Bashō, in his "Journey", referenced quite a lot of the works of the Chinese poets, but he made the notes for every quote used.

This type of writing might be a tribute, a praise, a response, an exchange, an inspiration... you name it.



Hi! Lake:

Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment, which is resonant with the view articulated in Van den Heuvel's preface to The haiku anthology : haiku and senryu in English.

Lake 写到:


I wanted to read Nia's poem to get a better understanding of Eric's poem here, say, the intertextual reference, followed the link and got lost. Time's precious, so I gave up. It might be helpful if the direct link of her poem is given or just copy her poem here if possible for the readers' convenience.


What follows is Nia's poem, The Moon Dances After Rain:

The moon
dances after rain
everything
turns into night
blue now
so fast
so slow
so far
so near
but the moon knows
I love you.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul


最后进行编辑的是 ericcoliu on 星期二 九月 09, 2008 6:16 pm, 总计第 1 次编辑
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
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二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2007-05-29
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帖子发表于: 星期二 九月 09, 2008 4:41 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

Lake 写到:


And here is a lighthearted poem by one of my friends where you can see what words or expressions are regarded as cliché by his standard:

Putting a spoke in a Wheel of Clichés

Cloud burst
Rain fall
Mountain stream
Gurgling spring
Singing river
Ocean spray
Boiling sun
Water cycle

......

I can't help laughing... But he is so clever making a poem out of these phrases.


Yes.

Lake 写到:


Another example: water ripples or rippling water (over used), but another friend wrote in his poem:


......
whispers ripple
through
the silver night

What do you think? I think it is marvelous.


THE WIND CRIES SILVER TEARS

music: Gunther Laudahn, lyrics: Osanna Vaughn

Silver tears awake the morn,
Whispers ripple through the leaves,
Sadness fills the rise of daybreak,
Heart that for a lover grieves.

On the wind a spoken word,
Softly did my lover call,
Memories like summer linger,
Ecstasy before the fall.

And the wind cries silver tears...
And the wind cries silver tears...

Rainbow spun of crystal light,
Tapestry of silken garn,
Time and fate forever bonded,
Hold my lover safe from harm.

And the wind cries silver tears...
And the wind cries silver tears...

Lake 写到:


And beware, when you are saying someone is using cliché, at the very moment you are probably doing the same thing. That's why we need a constant reminder, do we?


Yes, thanks again for your reminder. You did make your point clear, a point which has already been made in my re-told old joke posted on the previous page of this thread.
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温暖的水獸[温暖的水獸]
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五品知州
(再努力一把就是四品大员了!)
五品知州<BR>(再努力一把就是四品大员了!)


注册时间: 2008-04-23
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来自: 水族箱

帖子发表于: 星期四 九月 11, 2008 3:50 pm    发表主题: Re: A slip of the moon 引用并回复

Hi! Eric:

I think everyone here is overwhelmed by you, Professor Literature:

Professor Eric Liu, PhD. in Literature,
Author of notes on this, comments on that,
And criticisms on every possible thing,
Except on life.


Please just shut your mouth and write your poems. I'll be your attentive and demanding reader.

A slip of the moon

hanging over my house,
I stand alone
beneath the bright moonshine.

Yes, the moon knows
you're both far away from
and so near to me.

[/quote]

My suggestions are as follows:


I hangs

II you are far away
yet near to me.
_________________
舌頭那匹温暖的水獸 馴養地在小小的水族箱中 蠕動
那獸說:是的 我願意
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五品知州
(再努力一把就是四品大员了!)
五品知州<BR>(再努力一把就是四品大员了!)


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帖子发表于: 星期四 九月 11, 2008 3:53 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

ericcoliu 写到:


Things have been a bit serious around here. It's time to lighten up and retell an old joke.

One poet and critic was raving on about how every line in a young aspiring poet’s poem was cliche -- and kept comparing himself to Ezra Pound, "My Fellow poet, I write poems with Ezra Pound. I know Ezra Pound; Ezra Pound is a friend of mine. Poet, you're no Ezra Pound."

"See!" the young poet suddenly shouted. "You've just proved your point!"


Yes, cliche! cliche!

You're a good storyteller.
_________________
舌頭那匹温暖的水獸 馴養地在小小的水族箱中 蠕動
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