酷我-北美枫

星子 · 发表于: 星期日七月 27, 2008 9:46 am 发表主题: Shoes

We don’t expect
their mouths
Or noses aloft
to settle on equality

We are used to
waiting for being put on
pacing miles after miles
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东西 · 发表于: 星期二七月 29, 2008 12:27 pm 发表主题:

A seemingly trivial topic written from rather a fresh perspective.
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East is East, and West is West, and never the twain shall meet.

星子 · 发表于: 星期二七月 29, 2008 8:54 pm 发表主题:

Hi 东西,

Thanks for reading and comments.

Anna
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anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

revised

Shoes

They don't expect
the equality
from mouths
and noses aloft

They silently wait
to be put on
pace mile after mile
till torn
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---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

星子 · 发表于: 星期五八月 15, 2008 8:58 am 发表主题:

Comments from Adam:

I agree with Joel-

With short poems, like this one, the stab needs to be sharp and sudden and at the same time, fresh. In this case the first stanza promised something new and the second one basically told me what a shoe is - that I already know.

Will you think about extending it? There must be so much between 'putting on' and getting 'torn up' - so much new that you can find?

I actually like the older version more. I like the shoes talking.
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christine · 发表于: 星期五八月 15, 2008 6:27 pm 发表主题:

星子 · 发表于: 星期二八月 19, 2008 11:41 am 发表主题:

Hi christine,

I agree.

But why I change, sometimes it is because I am not sure and rely on the comments.

Writing poetry, I think, sometimes do not need to be logic.
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Lake · 发表于: 星期五八月 29, 2008 2:05 pm 发表主题:

半壁 · 发表于: 星期六九月 06, 2008 11:47 pm 发表主题:

Shoes

They don't expect
the equality
from mouths
and noses aloft

They silently wait
to be put on
pace mile after mile
till torn

：an narrative

Shoes

We don’t expect
their mouths
Or noses aloft
to settle on equality

We are used to
waiting for being put on
pacing miles after miles
till torn

：philosophy ！ Very good！

【till torn 】 Can be left blank
Embarassed

星子 · 发表于: 星期日九月 07, 2008 7:39 pm 发表主题:

Thanks Lake.

Thanks 半壁.
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clair · 发表于: 星期一九月 08, 2008 6:18 pm 发表主题: Re: Shoes

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Hi Clair,

Does the "we" in the first stanza differ from the "we" in the second one?

As you know, they are the same.

"Their" mean people's, if you think "we" are shoes.

"Their" mean high-classic people's, if you think "we" as the low class people.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com