酷我-北美枫

[Lake]

I wait

till evening deepens.
The shadows of trees fade,
as nestbound birds pass
out of sight.
The impatient bicycle bell
rings closer, closer...

[[Lake]]

I wait

till evening deepens.
The shadows of trees fade,
as nestbound birds pass
out of sight.
The impatient bicycle bell
rings closer, closer...

[anna]

Hi Lake,

I hope you don't mind I play a little bit on your poem.

I wait

the impatient bicycle bell
rings closer and closer.

the shadows of trees lengthen,
while nestbound birds pass out of sight.

the evening deepens
with a vast dark cloak.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Hi Lake,

I hope you don't mind I play a little bit on your poem.

I wait

the impatient bicycle bell
rings closer and closer.

the shadows of trees lengthen,
while nestbound birds pass out of sight.

the evening deepens
with a vast dark cloak.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[Lake]

I don't mind at all. Play as you like. Not bad. Another perspective.

Curious to know - did you see it's a run-on title, ie. the title is part of the first line?

[[Lake]]

I don't mind at all. Play as you like. Not bad. Another perspective.

Curious to know - did you see it's a run-on title, ie. the title is part of the first line?

[anna]

Hi Lake,

Sure. I know.

My poem: When desire awakens is also run-on title.



http://www.coviews.com/viewtopic.php?t=4467

Sometimes the title could also be the last sentence, I remember,
Long time ago, I translated poems by C.D. Wright who used the title as the ending.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Hi Lake,

Sure. I know.

My poem: When desire awakens is also run-on title.



http://www.coviews.com/viewtopic.php?t=4467

Sometimes the title could also be the last sentence, I remember,
Long time ago, I translated poems by C.D. Wright who used the title as the ending.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[Lake]

Glad you noticed it.

[[Lake]]

Glad you noticed it.

[ericcoliu]

Visually and narratively speaking, these two poems are written from the same "perspective."

The difference is that one is written from the effect of zooming in from a perspective while the other is written from the effect of zooming out from the same perspective.

Good try.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul

[[ericcoliu]]

Visually and narratively speaking, these two poems are written from the same "perspective."

The difference is that one is written from the effect of zooming in from a perspective while the other is written from the effect of zooming out from the same perspective.

Good try.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul

[Lake]

'Zooming in and zooming out', that's an interesting 'perspective'.

Thanks Eric for your academic input. Hopefully there's more difference.

[[Lake]]

'Zooming in and zooming out', that's an interesting 'perspective'.

Thanks Eric for your academic input. Hopefully there's more difference.

[christine]

[[christine]]

[Lake]

[[Lake]]

[anna]

Good discussion.

Yes. When I read Lake's original poem, I got anxious and I had the urge to change it. I guess that is from the uneaseness.

I quickly played on the poem by using a traditional way to express.

I agree with the zoom effect though I didn't notice that in both version after read themb at first hand. Interesting, how people read differently and write differently.

For me, I think some lines are too vague, such as nestbound birds pass
out of sight. If sharp it a little bit or give more detail, it may be more powerful.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Good discussion.

Yes. When I read Lake's original poem, I got anxious and I had the urge to change it. I guess that is from the uneaseness.

I quickly played on the poem by using a traditional way to express.

I agree with the zoom effect though I didn't notice that in both version after read themb at first hand. Interesting, how people read differently and write differently.

For me, I think some lines are too vague, such as nestbound birds pass
out of sight. If sharp it a little bit or give more detail, it may be more powerful.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[Lake]

Thanks anna for coming back to this again. Good, good, this is how you really read this poem.

[[Lake]]

Thanks anna for coming back to this again. Good, good, this is how you really read this poem.

[anna]

Hi Lake,

Still good discuss.

Here I try to explain why I played on your poem.

In the summer workshop, I suggested our teacher to ask other students email their poems before hand, since I thought it would give time for comments and analysis.

But our teacher disagree with that. He said most readers only read the poem once and they got the impression right away. He wanted us to give comments on the first read because the reality was if the first read didn't grasp the reader, then it failed.

It is hard to work on that and some may not agree with that.

I read a few times of yours, this poem must read a few times for me to enjoy it. At first, I am not keen to the beginning. and the word, impatient, since it is telling ...

The structure is modern, sharp ... compare to traditional way. I am ok with the structure.

but

I wait

till evening deepens.

It is kind of telling and it gave me the sudden end, I was anxious to know how it deepens . . .

the first reading, I don't like closer , closer, since I feel I need more, I feel it just starts.

After reading a few times, though still wants more, I said to myself that was the poet's intention for the ending gives the unsure feeling and mystery. So I accepted it.


still I think the highligh is the closer, closer ... So I try to move it up in the beginning... ( I didn't like my version here, Agree with Christine's, your version better)

For me: other lines are vague and didn't give much. ( shadows of tree , used too often, pass out of sight, not impressive, I mean the wording ...)


I know sometimes I raise the level too high. So better to say less to not offend others.

I guess I should focus on working on my own poems for bringing more freshness and concrete details and images.

Once, my teacher chopped all my favorite lines, because he thought they were not fresh or too telling,
I was not happy either, since I got confused and upset. It is always a challenge for anyone.

Everyone reads differently. Each poem can be different too. So you have your own decision to take in or not.

Lately I feel tired reading and writing, I guess I am drained of creativities. I know it is only me.

BTW, I have a bad habit to write down too quickly, poems or comments. sometimes we do need time to distill the goody.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Hi Lake,

Still good discuss.

Here I try to explain why I played on your poem.

In the summer workshop, I suggested our teacher to ask other students email their poems before hand, since I thought it would give time for comments and analysis.

But our teacher disagree with that. He said most readers only read the poem once and they got the impression right away. He wanted us to give comments on the first read because the reality was if the first read didn't grasp the reader, then it failed.

It is hard to work on that and some may not agree with that.

I read a few times of yours, this poem must read a few times for me to enjoy it. At first, I am not keen to the beginning. and the word, impatient, since it is telling ...

The structure is modern, sharp ... compare to traditional way. I am ok with the structure.

but

I wait

till evening deepens.

It is kind of telling and it gave me the sudden end, I was anxious to know how it deepens . . .

the first reading, I don't like closer , closer, since I feel I need more, I feel it just starts.

After reading a few times, though still wants more, I said to myself that was the poet's intention for the ending gives the unsure feeling and mystery. So I accepted it.


still I think the highligh is the closer, closer ... So I try to move it up in the beginning... ( I didn't like my version here, Agree with Christine's, your version better)

For me: other lines are vague and didn't give much. ( shadows of tree , used too often, pass out of sight, not impressive, I mean the wording ...)


I know sometimes I raise the level too high. So better to say less to not offend others.

I guess I should focus on working on my own poems for bringing more freshness and concrete details and images.

Once, my teacher chopped all my favorite lines, because he thought they were not fresh or too telling,
I was not happy either, since I got confused and upset. It is always a challenge for anyone.

Everyone reads differently. Each poem can be different too. So you have your own decision to take in or not.

Lately I feel tired reading and writing, I guess I am drained of creativities. I know it is only me.

BTW, I have a bad habit to write down too quickly, poems or comments. sometimes we do need time to distill the goody.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[Lake]

Ok, here is my reply.

Agree and disagree with your teacher on reading poem once. To get first impression, Yes. To fully understand it, No. Some other forums suggest to read a poem at least twice before giving your comments. What about that?

I usually try not to transport comments from other forums here because I want to know how readers here react without being affected by others' opinions. If I feel I need some backup, it is an exception.

I didn't feel I was offended, so feel free to say what in your mind. One thing I noticed in your comment about this poem is not a matter of vagueness, it is the punctuation, overused expression, etc.

Re punctuation, I've leaned you have to be consistent (ie, if you use it, use it throughout the whole poem, or don't use it at all) then use it or not is really a personal taste. Actually I have two versions of it, one without punctuation, the other with. Now forgive me for starting the following quotes:

[[Lake]]

Ok, here is my reply.

Agree and disagree with your teacher on reading poem once. To get first impression, Yes. To fully understand it, No. Some other forums suggest to read a poem at least twice before giving your comments. What about that?

I usually try not to transport comments from other forums here because I want to know how readers here react without being affected by others' opinions. If I feel I need some backup, it is an exception.

I didn't feel I was offended, so feel free to say what in your mind. One thing I noticed in your comment about this poem is not a matter of vagueness, it is the punctuation, overused expression, etc.

Re punctuation, I've leaned you have to be consistent (ie, if you use it, use it throughout the whole poem, or don't use it at all) then use it or not is really a personal taste. Actually I have two versions of it, one without punctuation, the other with. Now forgive me for starting the following quotes:

[Lake]

Let's go line by line:

[[Lake]]

Let's go line by line:

[非马]

An enjoyable short poem and some lively discussions.

[[FAFAFA]]

An enjoyable short poem and some lively discussions.