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星子[ANNA]
星子作品集
酷我！I made it！
注册时间: 2004-06-05
帖子: 13192
来自: Toronto
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 发表于: 星期三 七月 23, 2008 1:10 pm 发表主题: tsunami (Workshop) final |
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Sorry, need to hide this for submission.
After some debate...
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最后进行编辑的是 星子 on 星期二 九月 30, 2008 1:08 pm, 总计第 8 次编辑 |
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anna[星子安娜]
anna作品集
Site Admin
注册时间: 2004-05-02
帖子: 7141
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| 发表于: 星期四 七月 24, 2008 8:14 am 发表主题: |
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Comments from Penshell
wow! This is a very impressive poem. I really liked it.
Don
Thanks Don.
This is my new trying. 
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Anna Yin
《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...
http://annapoetry.com |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期六 七月 26, 2008 8:41 pm 发表主题: Re: tsunami (Workshop) |
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A few questions:
| 星子 写到: | You tell me
You have watched this before -
The curve line of the body
rivers flow under |
rivers flow under where?
| 星子 写到: | you tell me
the garden hidden
behind a raw and rough mountain |
I still feel there is a verb missing after 'garden', or the garden is hidden/behind...
| 星子 写到: | Tsunami is coming
the mountain split into halves
Forests fall |
the mountain splits...
| 星子 写到: | You wait,
Wait -
Hands wrap them in tombs. |
What does "them" refer to? And who is "you" in the whole poem?
I know I have too many questions from reading a poem. And it's just me. [/b] |
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anna[星子安娜]
anna作品集
Site Admin
注册时间: 2004-05-02
帖子: 7141
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| 发表于: 星期日 七月 27, 2008 7:53 am 发表主题: |
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Hi Lake,
Thanks for reading.
some readers didn't get "them" or "you"
Some got "you" as the creator or the love maker ...
So them I guess it is easy to figure out
(this poem could be read in two meanings, relationship or natural thing)
and
The curve line of the body
rivers flow under
you tell me
the garden hidden
behind a raw and rough mountain
... I think I don't need more verb or "under the body " or something
Though when writing prose, I must follow some rules. . .
I know you may think I am sturbborn or try to make an excuse for this. For this one, I just feel I would like it be so.
Some poems, I may be not sure, but for these lines I think it is enough.
_________________
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Anna Yin
《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...
http://annapoetry.com |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期日 七月 27, 2008 12:03 pm 发表主题: |
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Well, I must admit my mind is still on vacation, missed the double meanings if there are. Anyway, no one knows better than the writer himself/herself what he/she intended to express at the time of writing. What others get maybe or maybe not the writer's intension but their reaction to or imagination of the poem.
My point on "you tell me/the garden hidden" is that we say:
tell someone a story
tell someone about something
tell someone that (a clause)
I took your line as the third example, if not, I read you wrong.
This poem is a bit vague to me and if that's what it is intended to be, so be it.
| 引用: | | some readers didn't get "them" or "you" |
Glad I'm not the only one who is not clear about these pronouns.
| 引用: | | Some got "you" as the creator or the love maker ... |
Nice to have some 'hint'. If 'you' is the creator (Who is the creator? the God?), then the last S
| 引用: | You wait,
Wait -
Hands wrap them in tombs. |
'them' maybe the waves, lava, flames... the creator is to put them in the tombs, then it's an act of rescue.
If 'you' is the love maker, it sounds like the 'maker' is destroying the relationship as what the word 'tombs' implied.
I know I maybe very well off the mark, my mind is not functioning properly.
Your revision
| 引用: | Forests fall
Lava erupts
Flames shoot |
I feel 'flames shoot' is a line filler, because 'lava erupts' does carry the meaning of flame shooting.
Good experiment. |
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anna[星子安娜]
anna作品集
Site Admin
注册时间: 2004-05-02
帖子: 7141
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| 发表于: 星期一 七月 28, 2008 8:15 am 发表主题: |
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Hi Lake,
Thanks. We all know each reader reads poems in his/her different way.
My mentor once asks me to never interfere with comments or feedback. Just say thank you. I guess I should follow his guide.
I do appreciate your feedback and comments, but sometimes we all need to trust our own voice and judgement.
It is ok we have different views and a common interest: poetry. That is more important.
Thanks.
Anna
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Anna Yin
《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...
http://annapoetry.com |
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anna[星子安娜]
anna作品集
Site Admin
注册时间: 2004-05-02
帖子: 7141
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| 发表于: 星期二 九月 09, 2008 8:54 am 发表主题: |
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Revised based on the debate at Elka's house last Saturday.
Two male poets got it in the way I wrote,
another took it the real tsunami and confused,
two female poets the same confusion.
So I rewrite to give it more hints.
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Anna Yin
《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...
http://annapoetry.com |
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