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fanfan[FAFAFA]
fanfan作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada
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 发表于: 星期四 六月 12, 2008 8:37 am 发表主题: The Stab of a Memory (revised) |
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The Stab of a Memory co-written by ericcoliu
This afternoon, I was sitting
alone by the window,
looking out at the maple's branches
swaying gracefully in the breeze.
Out of nowhere, I felt
the stab of a memory:
you waving me goodbye.
I balanced
on that memory,
the universe hanging
on the branches.
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon.
最后进行编辑的是 fanfan on 星期二 十一月 18, 2008 10:03 pm, 总计第 6 次编辑 |
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星子[ANNA]
星子作品集
酷我！I made it！
注册时间: 2004-06-05
帖子: 13192
来自: Toronto
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| 发表于: 星期四 六月 12, 2008 10:03 am 发表主题: |
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I balanced
On that memory
here, not good.
Others, good.
_________________
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clair[clair]
clair作品集
七品按察司
（我开始管这里的事儿了）
注册时间: 2008-03-13
帖子: 83
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| 发表于: 星期四 六月 12, 2008 2:26 pm 发表主题: Re: A Stabbing Memory |
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| fanfan 写到: |
A Stabbing Memory
Out of nowhere, I felt
A stab of a memory
Of you waving goodbye to me.
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Or The stab of a memory?
| 星子 写到: |
I balanced
On that memory
here, not good.
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I think you mis-read this line completely.
I balanced
on that memory (a stabbing memory).
What an intricate choice of word!
I just wonder the psychological workings of the mind and the physical strength of the heart of the speaker.
_________________
This dark
Ceiling without a star |
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anna[星子安娜]
anna作品集
Site Admin
注册时间: 2004-05-02
帖子: 7141
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| 发表于: 星期四 六月 12, 2008 2:36 pm 发表主题: |
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I know what it means, but not feel right for that.
For me, it gives a fake feeling.
(Balance on ... the memory)
ANNA
_________________
---------------------
Anna Yin
《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...
http://annapoetry.com |
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温暖的水獸[温暖的水獸]
温暖的水獸作品集
五品知州
（再努力一把就是四品大员了！）
注册时间: 2008-04-23
帖子: 153
来自: 水族箱
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| 发表于: 星期四 六月 12, 2008 2:47 pm 发表主题: Re: A Stabbing Memory |
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| clair 写到: |
I balanced
on that memory (a stabbing memory).
What an intricate choice of word!I just wonder the psychological workings of the mind and the physical strength of the heart of the speaker. |
I agree with you.
| fanfan 写到: |
A Stabbing Memory
Looking out at the maple branches
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I think the maple's branches would be better.
_________________
舌頭那匹温暖的水獸 馴養地在小小的水族箱中 蠕動
那獸說：是的 我願意 |
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温暖的水獸[温暖的水獸]
温暖的水獸作品集
五品知州
（再努力一把就是四品大员了！）
注册时间: 2008-04-23
帖子: 153
来自: 水族箱
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| 发表于: 星期四 六月 12, 2008 2:52 pm 发表主题: |
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| anna 写到: |
I know what it means, but not feel right for that.
For me, it gives a fake feeling.
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Harsh words.
In my view, it's the feeling that you have no experience of.
You're a lucky woman who has never experienced the tragic loss.
For anyone who has personally experienced the loss of one's beloved or who is intellectually interested in interdisciplinarynary academic field, memory work, or who at least a casual reader of Holocaust literature, he/she will know it's not a fake feeling.
_________________
舌頭那匹温暖的水獸 馴養地在小小的水族箱中 蠕動
那獸說：是的 我願意
最后进行编辑的是 温暖的水獸 on 星期四 六月 19, 2008 1:50 pm, 总计第 3 次编辑 |
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anna[星子安娜]
anna作品集
Site Admin
注册时间: 2004-05-02
帖子: 7141
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| 发表于: 星期四 六月 12, 2008 3:02 pm 发表主题: |
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If so, then I apologize.
I just say what I feel, no offend.
What I really mean is that you could create a heavy scene to bring more feelings or resonation.
Sometimes, I am too rush for reading or comments, and othe things. So sometimes I may say words too directly.
I never thought this would stir your strong reaction.
_________________
---------------------
Anna Yin
《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...
http://annapoetry.com |
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温暖的水獸[温暖的水獸]
温暖的水獸作品集
五品知州
（再努力一把就是四品大员了！）
注册时间: 2008-04-23
帖子: 153
来自: 水族箱
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| 发表于: 星期四 六月 12, 2008 3:47 pm 发表主题: |
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| anna 写到: |
If so, then I apologize.
I just say what I feel, no offend.
What I really mean is that you could create a heavy scene to bring more feelings or resonation.
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You don't need to apologize. I didn't write this poem.
In my view, three key words in this poem are well crafted: stabbing, balanced, and universe.
This poem speaks well to me: the unbearable lightness and thus heaviness of being. By the way, one phrase is stolen from the title of a book by Milan Kundera.
_________________
舌頭那匹温暖的水獸 馴養地在小小的水族箱中 蠕動
那獸說：是的 我願意 |
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fanfan[FAFAFA]
fanfan作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada
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| 发表于: 星期四 六月 12, 2008 8:56 pm 发表主题: Re: A Stabbing Memory |
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| clair 写到: |
Or The stab of a memory?
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| 温暖的水獸 写到: |
Looking out at the maple branches
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I think the maple's branches would be better.[/quote]
Yes, you're right. I've revised my piece.
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon. |
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fanfan[FFFFFF]
fanfan作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada
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| 发表于: 星期四 六月 12, 2008 9:04 pm 发表主题: |
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| 温暖的水獸 写到: |
In my view, three key words in this poem are well crafted: stabbing, balanced, and universe.
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A sharp eye for my poem.
| 温暖的水獸 写到: |
For anyone who has personally experienced the loss of one's beloved or who is intellectually interested in the interdisciplinary academic field, memory work, or who at least [is] a casual reader of Holocaust literature, he/she will know it's not a fake feeling. |
Are you a good student of Holocaust literature?
Which book is your favourite read?
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon. |
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christine[christine]
christine作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2008-02-25
帖子: 304
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| 发表于: 星期六 六月 14, 2008 9:54 am 发表主题: Re: A Stabbing Memory |
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| fanfan 写到: |
A Stabbing Memory
This afternoon, I was sitting
Alone by the window,
Looking out at the maple's branches
Swaying gracefully in the breeze.
Out of nowhere, I felt
The stab of a memory:
You waving me goodbye.
I balanced
On that memory,
The universe hanging
On the maple's branches. |
A triggering image?
Well done. |
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fanfan[FFFFFF]
fanfan作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada
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| 发表于: 星期六 六月 14, 2008 8:52 pm 发表主题: Re: A Stabbing Memory |
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| christine 写到: |
A triggering image?
Well done. |
Yes, a sharp eye for my poem. That's why the speaker's "universe hanging / On the maple's branches."
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon. |
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| 返回页首 |
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fanfan[FAFAFA]
fanfan作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada
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| 发表于: 星期二 六月 17, 2008 1:05 pm 发表主题: |
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I've revised my piece through the help from ericcoliu and I changed the title of my poem to A Site of Memory.
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon. |
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温暖的水獸[温暖的水獸]
温暖的水獸作品集
五品知州
（再努力一把就是四品大员了！）
注册时间: 2008-04-23
帖子: 153
来自: 水族箱
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| 发表于: 星期四 六月 19, 2008 1:56 pm 发表主题: |
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| fanfan 写到: |
Are you a good student of Holocaust literature?
Which book is your favourite read? |
I'm an elementary student of Holocaust literature.
My favourite poetry book is Paul Celan: Selections, edited and with an introduction by Pierre Joris (2005)
| fanfan 写到: |
We never tire of looking at each other --
The maple tree and I.
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The revised version is significantly different from the original one.
The maple tree has become a site of memory.
_________________
舌頭那匹温暖的水獸 馴養地在小小的水族箱中 蠕動
那獸說：是的 我願意 |
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fanfan[FAFAFA]
fanfan作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada
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| 发表于: 星期六 六月 21, 2008 5:46 pm 发表主题: |
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| 温暖的水獸 写到: |
My favourite poetry book is Paul Celan: Selections, edited and with an introduction by Pierre Joris (2005)
The revised version is significantly different from the original one.
The maple tree has become a site of memory. |
Paul Celan: Selections is a good and demanding read.
Yes, the sight of this immensely tall maple tree outside my study window triggered my remembrance of things past, and thus the maple tree has become the site of memory.
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon. |
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