酷我-北美枫

[Mr.A]

...my first poem and I know it is not that good as my mother said.
thanks for reading my LONG and BORING poem and give you a big smile.=)

Stay With Me

Sky is full of dark ominous clouds
ocean is gleaming right before me.
Daisies floating on the water
as if they are waiting for me.
I'm hesitant to step in
maybe because the water seems freezing cold
or maybe I know once I start
No return will be for me.

I vaguely hear someone's yelling
when I'm still staring,
Everything's gone
after I turn around.

This time
I'm lying on the bed
My daughter is murmuring something
but I couldn't hear it.
She is holding a bunch of daisies with an ice-blue wrap
as if those yellow petals are swimming within the sea
My eyes closed, body cold
thoughts floating away until I can't hear a sound.

The ocean and daisies are in my sight again,
Sunlight filters through my body
Breeze sweeps across the surface of the sea.
I suddenly understand what my daughter just said
Stay with me, stay with me.
I walk towards the daisies
reach out and hold them in my arm
as if all the memories and loves are hidden in the delicate petals.

Waves breaking at my feet,
I know, it is their way to welcome me.
I walk toward the centre of the sea
at the moment when the water submerges me
I'm ready to start the journey
the long journey with no one around.

Smiles flash across my face
who said there is only me?
The bright sunshine and my favorite daisies will stay with me,
stay with me until the immortal becomes mortal
until the end of the everlasting journey.
_________________
love is a cloud of smoke
Trying to occupy space.

-Elliott

[[Mr.A]]

...my first poem and I know it is not that good as my mother said.
thanks for reading my LONG and BORING poem and give you a big smile.=)

Stay With Me

Sky is full of dark ominous clouds
ocean is gleaming right before me.
Daisies floating on the water
as if they are waiting for me.
I'm hesitant to step in
maybe because the water seems freezing cold
or maybe I know once I start
No return will be for me.

I vaguely hear someone's yelling
when I'm still staring,
Everything's gone
after I turn around.

This time
I'm lying on the bed
My daughter is murmuring something
but I couldn't hear it.
She is holding a bunch of daisies with an ice-blue wrap
as if those yellow petals are swimming within the sea
My eyes closed, body cold
thoughts floating away until I can't hear a sound.

The ocean and daisies are in my sight again,
Sunlight filters through my body
Breeze sweeps across the surface of the sea.
I suddenly understand what my daughter just said
Stay with me, stay with me.
I walk towards the daisies
reach out and hold them in my arm
as if all the memories and loves are hidden in the delicate petals.

Waves breaking at my feet,
I know, it is their way to welcome me.
I walk toward the centre of the sea
at the moment when the water submerges me
I'm ready to start the journey
the long journey with no one around.

Smiles flash across my face
who said there is only me?
The bright sunshine and my favorite daisies will stay with me,
stay with me until the immortal becomes mortal
until the end of the everlasting journey.
_________________
love is a cloud of smoke
Trying to occupy space.

-Elliott

[ericcoliu]

[[ericcoliu]]

[Mr.A]

uh..it's just that I've always asked to send the analysis..= =sorry for that..
I am
and
Daisies..
oops..spelling wrong.
_________________
love is a cloud of smoke
Trying to occupy space.

-Elliott

[[Mr.A]]

uh..it's just that I've always asked to send the analysis..= =sorry for that..
I am
and
Daisies..
oops..spelling wrong.
_________________
love is a cloud of smoke
Trying to occupy space.

-Elliott

[Lake]

Hello Mr. A,

Welcome on board!

In my opinion, the footnote is not necessary, unless the reader asks you to explain your poem. One purpose of posting one's poem here is to see how others read it. You don't want your explanation limits readers' interpretations, but rather you want to see what other possibilities are. Or if the reader couldn't understand it, that means there might be something you need to rework on so to make it readable to others.

As for this poem, I find the use of punctuation marks and capitals is not consistent.

It is a fine and easy read.

Cheers,

Lake

[[Lake]]

Hello Mr. A,

Welcome on board!

In my opinion, the footnote is not necessary, unless the reader asks you to explain your poem. One purpose of posting one's poem here is to see how others read it. You don't want your explanation limits readers' interpretations, but rather you want to see what other possibilities are. Or if the reader couldn't understand it, that means there might be something you need to rework on so to make it readable to others.

As for this poem, I find the use of punctuation marks and capitals is not consistent.

It is a fine and easy read.

Cheers,

Lake

[anna]

Hi Mr.A


Welcome!

This one has good images and soft voice. It is a good start. I remember when I began writing four years ago, I did not write as good as you.

Now after a few years practice, I grow my own voice and writing style.

So don't be shy, just keep on writing. In writing, you will find your voice and yourself.

This poem you can try to make it more concise. Poem, for me, is more like fountains, prose is more like streams.

When I write poem, I want to make it mysterious. Don't let it out too much. Let the reader think and reflect.

Another tip, use fresh images, avoid cliche. Thus your poems could be outstanding and unique.

Thanks for sharing your poem.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Hi Mr.A


Welcome!

This one has good images and soft voice. It is a good start. I remember when I began writing four years ago, I did not write as good as you.

Now after a few years practice, I grow my own voice and writing style.

So don't be shy, just keep on writing. In writing, you will find your voice and yourself.

This poem you can try to make it more concise. Poem, for me, is more like fountains, prose is more like streams.

When I write poem, I want to make it mysterious. Don't let it out too much. Let the reader think and reflect.

Another tip, use fresh images, avoid cliche. Thus your poems could be outstanding and unique.

Thanks for sharing your poem.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[Mr.A]

Thanks for your advise.!
_________________
love is a cloud of smoke
Trying to occupy space.

-Elliott

[[Mr.A]]

Thanks for your advise.!
_________________
love is a cloud of smoke
Trying to occupy space.

-Elliott

[Jocelyn]

I love your flexible shifts of various occations the man stays. Different occasions refer to the development of the man's feeling and understanding of the mortality and immortality. It's really a good start! As an eager reader, I hope that I have the chance to read more poems from you as well as more fresh images in your writing!
_________________
Lips of motionless ice should not reply to lips quivering and burning with the heart's best blood.

[[FAFAFA]]

I love your flexible shifts of various occations the man stays. Different occasions refer to the development of the man's feeling and understanding of the mortality and immortality. It's really a good start! As an eager reader, I hope that I have the chance to read more poems from you as well as more fresh images in your writing!
_________________
Lips of motionless ice should not reply to lips quivering and burning with the heart's best blood.