酷我-北美枫

[anna]

A nightingale flew inside my cage -
Last night,
he didn’t fly away;
he knew me better than others,
and stayed.

The whole night
he sang his only song,
his voice drained.

Why? I asked,
Warm palms baited with
A few wheat grains.

Come, take some. I cooed.
But my voice too shallow,
and his head too proud to lower.

I turned,
caught my own shadow,
too heavy to lift.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

A nightingale flew inside my cage -
Last night,
he didn’t fly away;
he knew me better than others,
and stayed.

The whole night
he sang his only song,
his voice drained.

Why? I asked,
Warm palms baited with
A few wheat grains.

Come, take some. I cooed.
But my voice too shallow,
and his head too proud to lower.

I turned,
caught my own shadow,
too heavy to lift.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[fanfan]

[[FFFFFF]]

[星子]

I think the word "catch" meaning a lot.

I like the word and here it means "see"

verb: see or watch
Example: "Catch a show on Broadway"
_________________

[[ANNA]]

I think the word "catch" meaning a lot.

I like the word and here it means "see"

verb: see or watch
Example: "Catch a show on Broadway"
_________________

[星子]

Comments from Penshell

Am always glad to read your progress.

There are some excellent metaphors here,
especially your heavy shadow.

May I suggest
A nightingale flew in(side) my cage -

It adds an intimate rapport between you & the bird
& has double entendre if that's what you meant.

---Alex


(A double entendre is a figure of speech similar to the pun, in which a spoken phrase can be understood in either of two ways. )
_________________

[[ANNA]]

Comments from Penshell

Am always glad to read your progress.

There are some excellent metaphors here,
especially your heavy shadow.

May I suggest
A nightingale flew in(side) my cage -

It adds an intimate rapport between you & the bird
& has double entendre if that's what you meant.

---Alex


(A double entendre is a figure of speech similar to the pun, in which a spoken phrase can be understood in either of two ways. )
_________________

[星子]

Thanks Peter for reading me well.

Yes. this poem has double meaning, both in and out.
_________________

[[ANNA]]

Thanks Peter for reading me well.

Yes. this poem has double meaning, both in and out.
_________________

[anna]

emusing #3 [-]

Posts: 453
(12 Jun, 2008 18:15:50)
~E~

This is so lovely. Is it a translation? The simple and the powerful lay hand in hand. I think of a lover here:

He knew me better than others,
And stayed.

The end confused me just a little because the lover stays but then the subject offers herself to the nightingale and the bird (man) refuses because of the shadow. Well I think that perhaps the heaviness of the subject outweighed the light spirit of the bird.

I could read this sweet poem many times. It's a treasure.

e

lavenderSwing #4 [-]

Posts: 1111
(13 Jun, 2008 07:32:54)
Lotus

Thank you carefully reading. Now I got your point.

And to make it clear, I revise

And his feather too proud
To fold

into


And his head too proud to lower.

I guess in this way, it can connect smoothly.

Please let me know if it works.

Anna

emusing #5 [-]

Posts: 453
(13 Jun, 2008 10:19:26)
~E~

Anna that makes perfect perfect sense now. It takes on an even deeper meaning.

e
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

emusing #3 [-]

Posts: 453
(12 Jun, 2008 18:15:50)
~E~

This is so lovely. Is it a translation? The simple and the powerful lay hand in hand. I think of a lover here:

He knew me better than others,
And stayed.

The end confused me just a little because the lover stays but then the subject offers herself to the nightingale and the bird (man) refuses because of the shadow. Well I think that perhaps the heaviness of the subject outweighed the light spirit of the bird.

I could read this sweet poem many times. It's a treasure.

e

lavenderSwing #4 [-]

Posts: 1111
(13 Jun, 2008 07:32:54)
Lotus

Thank you carefully reading. Now I got your point.

And to make it clear, I revise

And his feather too proud
To fold

into


And his head too proud to lower.

I guess in this way, it can connect smoothly.

Please let me know if it works.

Anna

emusing #5 [-]

Posts: 453
(13 Jun, 2008 10:19:26)
~E~

Anna that makes perfect perfect sense now. It takes on an even deeper meaning.

e
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

Comments from Cuttings

fine poem, Anna.

questions and suggestions:

why cap the first lines?

perhaps no comma needed after "night"

Is it that he sang "the only song"? or his only song, or the only song worth singing . . . I don't know
just asking. Maybe, since he's drained, he sang one song all night long.

It seems natural to follow "some" immediately with "I cooed" - so the period is a bit of a stumble for me
Two "too"s seems a lot - others may disagree. Maybe "but my voice was shallow" followed by your next line.

I love this poem - and that's why I've spent time.

cheers!


Doug

Hi Doug,

Thanks a lot.

Yes, you are right. I must watch how to form a poem and also how to read a poem.

Each poem I can play a little bit to see how it fits best.

cap the first lines, is my way to make it easy for me, since most of time, I am confused how to break line, how to use punctuation. I should avoid that next time.

Anna


talliesin #3 [-]
for a lot of people using word processors that's just the default setting, right?

I'm not saying you should avoid it next time - some people like the line caps. The only pov I have on this one
is where I live, and US poets for the most part --- looking at it historically - and although there are some significant
exceptions - the line caps essentially fell out of use in the mid 20th. Small, small thing - no worries.





POE TREE


There is a delicate melancholy to this poem.

The last two lines are very poignant.

David
____________________
Everyday is a journey, and the journey itself is home.
-Basho


mauraid

*smiling*

understanding the form thing all too well. lol Not one of my stronger suits. I agree that the " too" is not needed. I often do that in writing as well. I over emphasize. This poem is extremely delicate, and possesses a lonesome voice.

I very much enjoyed reading this
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Comments from Cuttings

fine poem, Anna.

questions and suggestions:

why cap the first lines?

perhaps no comma needed after "night"

Is it that he sang "the only song"? or his only song, or the only song worth singing . . . I don't know
just asking. Maybe, since he's drained, he sang one song all night long.

It seems natural to follow "some" immediately with "I cooed" - so the period is a bit of a stumble for me
Two "too"s seems a lot - others may disagree. Maybe "but my voice was shallow" followed by your next line.

I love this poem - and that's why I've spent time.

cheers!


Doug

Hi Doug,

Thanks a lot.

Yes, you are right. I must watch how to form a poem and also how to read a poem.

Each poem I can play a little bit to see how it fits best.

cap the first lines, is my way to make it easy for me, since most of time, I am confused how to break line, how to use punctuation. I should avoid that next time.

Anna


talliesin #3 [-]
for a lot of people using word processors that's just the default setting, right?

I'm not saying you should avoid it next time - some people like the line caps. The only pov I have on this one
is where I live, and US poets for the most part --- looking at it historically - and although there are some significant
exceptions - the line caps essentially fell out of use in the mid 20th. Small, small thing - no worries.





POE TREE


There is a delicate melancholy to this poem.

The last two lines are very poignant.

David
____________________
Everyday is a journey, and the journey itself is home.
-Basho


mauraid

*smiling*

understanding the form thing all too well. lol Not one of my stronger suits. I agree that the " too" is not needed. I often do that in writing as well. I over emphasize. This poem is extremely delicate, and possesses a lonesome voice.

I very much enjoyed reading this
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com