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Champagne[Champagne]
Champagne作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-09-15
帖子: 394
来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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 发表于: 星期二 五月 13, 2008 9:07 pm 发表主题: Lost (revised) |
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Lost
Rosy clouds in the sky,
Lone man by a lake;
Ripped shadow on the water,
Howling cries toward the clouds.
_________________
I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy.
最后进行编辑的是 Champagne on 星期一 五月 19, 2008 9:47 am, 总计第 2 次编辑 |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期三 五月 14, 2008 12:46 am 发表主题: |
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| It reads like an imagist poem. Without any verbs in it, I feel the images are a bit disconnected. You might want to weave them together. Just a thought. |
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Champagne[Champagne]
Champagne作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-09-15
帖子: 394
来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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| 发表于: 星期三 五月 14, 2008 8:15 am 发表主题: |
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| Lake 写到: | It reads like an imagist poem. Without any verbs in it, I feel the images are a bit disconnected.
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The xiaoshi bears noticeable similarities to Imagist poetry in its use of seemingly unconnected juxtaposition of images which reveal the poetics of discontinuity, one of the calling cards of the modernist movement.
Thanks for your comment.
_________________
I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
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christine[christine]
christine作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2008-02-25
帖子: 304
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| 发表于: 星期三 五月 14, 2008 11:46 am 发表主题: |
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| Champagne 写到: |
The xiaoshi bears noticeable similarities to Imagist poetry in its use of seemingly unconnected juxtaposition of images which reveal the poetics of discontinuity, one of the calling cards of the modernist movement.
Thanks for your comment. |
A pure play of visual images? |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
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| 发表于: 星期三 五月 14, 2008 2:38 pm 发表主题: |
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| christine 写到: |
A pure play of visual images? |
I don't think so.
A closer look, I believe, will reveal that the impressionist conception of light is well reflected in the way the images are concatenated.
| Champagne 写到: |
The xiaoshi bears noticeable similarities to Imagist poetry in its use of seemingly unconnected juxtaposition of images which reveal the poetics of discontinuity, one of the calling cards of the modernist movement.
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Key words Champagne emphasizes here are "seemingly unconnected."
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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Champagne[Champagne]
Champagne作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-09-15
帖子: 394
来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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| 发表于: 星期四 五月 15, 2008 9:56 am 发表主题: |
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| ericcoliu 写到: |
Key words Champagne emphasizes here are "seemingly unconnected." |
Yes, well-said.
There are contrasting images evoked by the first two lines.
_________________
I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
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温暖的水獸[温暖的水獸]
温暖的水獸作品集
五品知州
（再努力一把就是四品大员了！）
注册时间: 2008-04-23
帖子: 153
来自: 水族箱
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| 发表于: 星期四 五月 15, 2008 2:34 pm 发表主题: Re: Lost (Xiaoshi) |
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| Champagne 写到: |
Lost
Rosy clouds in the sky,
Lone man by the lake;
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Or by a lake?
| Champagne 写到: |
Lost
Ripped shadow on the water,
Howling cry toward the clouds. |
Too sentimental!
My suggestions are as follows:
Rippled shadow on the water,
ripped cries toward the clouds.
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舌頭那匹温暖的水獸 馴養地在小小的水族箱中 蠕動
那獸說：是的 我願意 |
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robarts[robarts]
robarts作品集
六品通判
（官儿做大了，保持廉洁哦）
注册时间: 2008-03-24
帖子: 114
来自: Canada
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| 发表于: 星期四 五月 15, 2008 2:50 pm 发表主题: Re: Lost (Xiaoshi) |
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| 温暖的水獸 写到: |
My suggestions are as follows:
Rippled shadow on the water,
ripped cries toward the clouds. |
Yes, it's more poetic.
_________________
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all. |
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Champagne[Champagne]
Champagne作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-09-15
帖子: 394
来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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| 发表于: 星期五 五月 16, 2008 8:37 am 发表主题: Re: Lost (Xiaoshi) |
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| robarts 写到: | | 温暖的水獸 写到: |
My suggestions are as follows:
Rippled shadow on the water,
ripped cries toward the clouds. |
Yes, it's more poetic. |
Thanks for your valuable suggestion.
_________________
I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
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钓月[Fishmoon]
钓月作品集
九品县令
（一不小心，做了官儿了。）
注册时间: 2008-05-04
帖子: 28
来自: 中国江苏淮安
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| 发表于: 星期五 五月 16, 2008 9:39 am 发表主题: |
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How do you put it into our mother tongue, please?
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欲钓那只太阳,却钓了一轮月亮
http://www.hongxiu.com/my.asp?id=1310875 |
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Champagne[Champagne]
Champagne作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-09-15
帖子: 394
来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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| 发表于: 星期六 五月 17, 2008 8:34 am 发表主题: |
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| 钓月 写到: |
How do you put it into our mother tongue, please? |
Thanks for the reading.
I write only in English .
_________________
I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
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Champagne[Champagne]
Champagne作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-09-15
帖子: 394
来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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| 发表于: 星期一 五月 19, 2008 9:52 am 发表主题: Re: Lost (Xiaoshi) |
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| Champagne 写到: | | robarts 写到: | | 温暖的水獸 写到: |
My suggestions are as follows:
Rippled shadow on the water,
ripped cries toward the clouds. |
Yes, it's more poetic. |
Thanks for your valuable suggestion. |
On second thought I decided that I would keep the original lines except replacing cry with cries.
_________________
I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
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