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fanfan[FAFAFA]
fanfan作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada
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 发表于: 星期四 二月 14, 2008 6:48 pm 发表主题: Another Embrace in a Sleepless Night co-written by ericcoliu |
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Another Embrace in a Sleepless Night co-written by ericcoliu
In the still hours before dawn
my eyes are open
gazing at the dim bend
I look to the curve of your strong shoulder
My gaze falls to your already-softened thing
and then rises past your broad chest
to your thick lips
I seal them with my kiss
Content and tranquil
I am ready to slip into sleep
but you open your eyes, wickedly smiling
I am held by your tender arms
yes, another embrace in a sleepless night
To all readers of my (not other's) piece
with E-Love, posted at http://coviews.com/viewtopic.php?t=35694&highlight=e-love :
Happy Valentine Day!
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon.
最后进行编辑的是 fanfan on 星期日 八月 10, 2008 5:48 pm, 总计第 3 次编辑 |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
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| 发表于: 星期四 二月 14, 2008 8:56 pm 发表主题: Re: Another Embrace in a Sleepless Night |
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| fanfan 写到: |
Another Embrace in a Sleepless Night
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I think the title of your posting should be Another Embrace of . in a Sleepless Night.
The embrace of ., in and of itself, is poetic. Enjoy reading your piece on Valentine Day.
Now, I really know why you don't use the S WORD in your title.
Happy Valentine Day!
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul
最后进行编辑的是 ericcoliu on 星期五 二月 15, 2008 9:24 am, 总计第 1 次编辑 |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期四 二月 14, 2008 10:03 pm 发表主题: |
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A valentine fervor here.
I am not too keen on S2, for I didn't get it.
| 引用: |
where the curve of your strong shoulder
falls to your already-softened thing
and rises to your broad chest
to your thick lips
I seal with my kiss |
So, the curve ... falls to and rises to...? I don't get it. |
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Champagne[Champagne]
Champagne作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-09-15
帖子: 394
来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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| 发表于: 星期四 二月 14, 2008 11:31 pm 发表主题: Re: Another Embrace in a Sleepless Night |
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| fanfan 写到: |
Another Embrace in a Sleepless Night
gazing at the dim bend
where the curve of your strong shoulder
falls to your already-softened thing
and rises to your broad chest
to your thick lips
I seal with my kiss
|
The female gaze? -- a reversal of the male gaze?
Your erotic poem makes me sleepless tonight.
_________________
I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
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fanfan[FAFAFA]
fanfan作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada
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| 发表于: 星期五 二月 15, 2008 10:25 am 发表主题: |
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| Lake 写到: |
I am not too keen on S2, for I didn't get it.
where the curve of your strong shoulder
falls to your already-softened thing
and rises to your broad chest
to your thick lips
I seal with my kiss
So, the curve ... falls to and rises to...? I don't get it.
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Hi! Lake:
Thanks for reading and commenting my piece.
What I'm trying to describe in S2 is to depict the movement of the speaker's head which does not cause a change in her gaze.
Any suggestion to make this stanza work better?
It would be much appreciated.
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon. |
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fanfan[FFFFFF]
fanfan作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada
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| 发表于: 星期五 二月 15, 2008 10:27 am 发表主题: Re: Another Embrace in a Sleepless Night |
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| Champagne 写到: |
The female gaze? -- a reversal of the male gaze?
Your erotic poem makes me sleepless tonight.
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Yes, the female gaze, a different kind of gaze which isn't merely the objectifying, controlling male gaze in reverse.
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon. |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期五 二月 15, 2008 6:41 pm 发表主题: |
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| fanfan 写到: |
What I'm trying to describe in S2 is to depict the movement of the speaker's head which does not cause a change in her gaze.
Any suggestion to make this stanza work better?
It would be much appreciated. |
It is from the speaker's eye, I've got this part.
I think my problem is - what is the subject of the verbs 'falls' and 'rises'? From the line
| 引用: | where the curve of your strong shoulder
falls to your already-softened thing
and rises to your broad chest |
the subject is 'the curve of your strong shoulder', then it doesn't make any sense to me. (Unless I read it wrong.) It is more like the speaker looks up and down...
Sometimes I am slow understanding other's works. Please bear with me.
. |
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fanfan[FFFFFF]
fanfan作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada
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| 发表于: 星期六 二月 23, 2008 7:54 pm 发表主题: |
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| Lake 写到: |
the subject is 'the curve of your strong shoulder', then it doesn't make any sense to me. (Unless I read it wrong.) It is more like the speaker looks up and down...
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Yes, you're right.
I've revised my second stanza.
Many thanks for reading and commenting my piece.
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon. |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期二 二月 26, 2008 11:15 am 发表主题: |
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It's more clear now. You're bold.   |
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dundas[dundas]
dundas作品集
五品知州
（再努力一把就是四品大员了！）
注册时间: 2008-02-23
帖子: 214
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| 发表于: 星期三 二月 27, 2008 1:34 pm 发表主题: |
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| Lake 写到: |
It's more clear now. You're bold |
I concur!
This is a piece of embodied writing, encompassing the female Eros.
_________________
My throat knew thirst before the structure
Of skin and vein around the well |
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fanfan[FAFAFA]
fanfan作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada
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| 发表于: 星期三 二月 27, 2008 9:49 pm 发表主题: |
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| dundas 写到: |
This is a piece of embodied writing, encompassing the female Eros. |
Yes, the embrace of the female Eros, the creative spirit embodied in both writing and desire.
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon. |
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