酷我-北美枫

Lake

Driving in the Windy Snow

(Revised)

White snowflakes swirling wildly in the air --
Behind the wheel, dread eyes adjust to snow.
A hunk of steel still drives without despair.

A raging blizzard sweeps the cold ground -- bare.
Sand-salt is sprinkled. Ancient snowplows blow.
White snowflakes swirling wildly in the air ...

If there is anything with which to compare
It's in the fog of London; fears will grow.
A hunk of steel still drives without despair.

The music turned up loud to keep aware
With "Dreams of Flying." Tangled musings flow.
White snowflakes swirling wildly in the air ...

A girl asleep in back without a care,
As cold outside drops down to ten below.
A hunk of steel still drives without despair.

I sing to stay awake. Through tears I stare
With achy shoulders shaking to and fro.
White snowflakes swirling wildly in the air.
A hunk of steel still drives without despair.

(Original)

Snowflakes swirl wild in the air
As wind across the fields blows
A car drives with no despair

The blizzard sweeps the world bare
Salt sprinkled, a snow-plow groans
Snowflakes swirl wild in the air

If there’s something to compare
It’s London fog where fear grows
A car drives with no despair

For the song keeps me aware
In “Dreams of Flying” thoughts flow
Snowflakes swirl wild in the air

The girl asleep does not care
It drops ten degrees below
A car drives with no despair

Sing along, “I am damn tired”
A phrase improper, I know
Snowflakes swirl wild in the air
A car drives with no despair

.

fanfan · 发表于: 星期四二月 14, 2008 6:45 pm 发表主题:

The cyclic alternating pattern -- of “Snowflakes swirl wild in the air” and “A car drives with no despair” -- does heighten the emotional impact of your piece.
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon.

Champagne · 发表于: 星期四二月 14, 2008 11:20 pm 发表主题:

Lake · 发表于: 星期四二月 14, 2008 11:40 pm 发表主题:

Thanks Fanfan and Champ for your comments. That's how a villanelle works.

Champagne · 发表于: 星期四二月 14, 2008 11:52 pm 发表主题:

星子 · 发表于: 星期五二月 15, 2008 10:08 am 发表主题:

Hi Lake,

This form of poem is difficult to write. I tried one and failed.

Nostalgia is a Growing Tree

Nostalgia, a growing tree,
Its branches stretch over the tall fence.
I keep manicuring it;
the falling fragments bedew my face.

Its branches stretch over the tall fence,
as a lantern beckons in the distance.
Who holds the light high
to embrace me in its silvery cocoon?

I cannot help reminiscing,
my shattered shadow wrapped inside.
The falling fragments bedew my face;
a growing tree, nostalgia is.

----

I think your poem is not tightened in feeling and actions.
After reading, I find uneasy to understand what you try to convey.
_________________

ericcoliu · 发表于: 星期五二月 15, 2008 1:28 pm 发表主题:

Lake · 发表于: 星期五二月 15, 2008 7:24 pm 发表主题:

星子,

Thanks for your crits. I didn't spend enough time on it.

It is a personal experience driving in a bad weather. The repeating lines may lead the reader to nowhere, which is exactly how the speaker fears what's in front of him/her. For this effect, this form works. Haha... Have you had this experience driving in a ground blizzard when you cannot turn back, pull over but keep driving even though you cannot see anything in front of you? Terrifying!

Back to your 'nostalgia". I attempted to take it as pantoum , but then found it not in line with its strict rules, for example, the second and fourth lines are repeated as the first and third lines of the following quatrain... If you didn't mention it as a form poem, I wouldn't have looked it up.

Form poetry, pain in the butt, fun in the mind.
Smile

Lake · 发表于: 星期五二月 15, 2008 7:25 pm 发表主题:

Thanks Eric. Have to take off, will be back to your response and your love poem.

Lake · 发表于: 星期六二月 16, 2008 12:11 am 发表主题:

戴玨 · 发表于: 星期六二月 16, 2008 3:04 pm 发表主题:

Lake · 发表于: 星期六二月 16, 2008 7:54 pm 发表主题:

Lake · 发表于: 星期一二月 18, 2008 9:27 am 发表主题:

I experienced the same problem. Anyone can help?

I thought I added the word 'g a y', but it disappeared again in my post ( still there when edit). Is this word blocked? That's absurd.

hahaview · 发表于: 星期一二月 18, 2008 9:35 am 发表主题:

Lake · 发表于: 星期一二月 18, 2008 9:46 am 发表主题:

If that's the case, it's ridiculous. All these words are in the dictionary. It is the content, other than the word, that counts. Besides, some words have multi meanings.

Believe me, I'm not keen on that type of writing and would suggest those who do write put a warming on the title line.