酷我-北美枫

星子 · 酷我！I made it！ 注册时间: 2004-06-05 帖子: 13192 来自: Toronto

The final version I deleted, since I submit it to ARC magazine yesterday.

I need to wait for 4 months, and knowing the result, then I could

post it in public.

Thanks for reading.
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Lake · 发表于: 星期二一月 22, 2008 2:51 pm 发表主题:

心路历程

fanfan · 发表于: 星期二一月 22, 2008 5:22 pm 发表主题: Re: Turn 30 (请批)

A poem for life's journey.

星子 · 发表于: 星期二一月 22, 2008 7:56 pm 发表主题:

Thank you, Lake.

Thank you, Fanfan.

Yes, you are right. Thanks.

I also concern 标点.
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ericcoliu · 发表于: 星期二一月 22, 2008 9:51 pm 发表主题:

My suggestions are as follows:

1) a small space -- onto an open land,

If you want to keep "a small space", functioning as an appositive, in the sentence, you need to put dashes before and after it.

2) like a caged bird, depressed and lost.
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Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul

星子 · 发表于: 星期二一月 22, 2008 10:01 pm 发表主题:

Hi Eric,

Good suggestions.

I still wonder the following is 标点 correct?

Then I turned 30,
suddenly desperate to look for the meaning of life,
like a caged bird, depressive and lost.
I could not regain my voice.

I guess I should change them to

Then I turned 30,
suddenly desperate to look for the meaning of life.
Like a caged bird, depressive and lost,
I could not regain my voice.

(I will bring it to poetry event on Sunday for critiques too, please share yours, so I can compare...
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星子 · 发表于: 星期三一月 23, 2008 9:39 am 发表主题:

Looking within, I don’t know myself.
Turning the mirror around,
I decide to start living.

----I feel the ending not good. want to change to

Looking within, I see the emptiness.
Who am I? What do I want?
A rack of clothes? A crown of clouds?
The stunning image fades in void and numb . . .
I feel a fossil inside weeping;
Turn the inner mirror on,
I want a new beginning.

Any suggestion?
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ericcoliu

If “look up” in line 1 means to search for and find, I think you need an object (objects) because it is a transitive verb phrase.

星子 · 发表于: 星期四一月 24, 2008 10:58 am 发表主题:

Hi Eric,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

I will bring it for the Poetry event to see how others view it.

Look up (here is not search.... )

Changed it a little bit.

Anna
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