酷我-北美枫

星子 · 酷我！I made it！ 注册时间: 2004-06-05 帖子: 13192 来自: Toronto

清晨,
绿色的回收箱被倾空,
那些据说可以做养料的
被运往远处,某个果园.

站在镜子前,
我用心扫视,
一把黑发泛白,脱落
与堆积着的梦想和遗憾绞缠,
飘向可以回收的地方…
在腐烂之前,
它们渴望鲜绿的果园.

空空的回收箱伫立
周而复始,
接收着余剩的生活.

In the morning,
a green recycle bin is emptied out;
those decomposables will be carried
to somewhere in a far orchard.

Standing before a mirror,
deliberately I scan it:
A string of black hairs faded,
shed and tangle among the pile of
dreams and sorrows,
together they drift to some place
for reprocessing . . .
Before decay,
They long for a lush garden.

The empty recycle bin stands;
day after day
it receives life's waste.
_________________

ericcoliu · 发表于: 星期日一月 13, 2008 11:08 am 发表主题:

An interesting “recycle bin” metaphor.
Emptying the recycle bin of one’s regretful dreams?

But still the old time lingers in our thought;
In our regretful dreams the old suns rise,
And from their shining, memory hath caught
Some lingering glory of that glad surprise
When Love rose on us like the sun, and brought
Our hearts their morning under last year's skies.

Suggestions:

1 those decomposable or those decomposables ?
2 shedding and tangling among the pile of
sreams and sorrows
or
shading and tangled among the pile of
dreams and sorrows
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul

星子 · 发表于: 星期日一月 13, 2008 11:52 am 发表主题:

Hi Eric,

Thanks.

I revised the poem in my blog, but forgot to update it here.

Now I update it, hopefully it is ok.
_________________

星子 · 发表于: 星期一一月 14, 2008 9:39 am 发表主题:

From Don

This is good Anna. Three suggestions: The title is just too mundane, I would change it, perhaps "to a Far Orchard" would be good. I think the last verse should either be moved to the middle or dropped. It is does not supply the flouriwh that you want at the end. The last line in the second verse does. I suggest it be changed though:

Before decay,
they are meant to nourish a garden.

This brings intention away from the waste itself.
_________________

fanfan · 发表于: 星期三一月 16, 2008 9:55 am 发表主题:

星子 · 发表于: 星期五一月 18, 2008 9:47 pm 发表主题:

Hi Fanfan,

I agree with you. In fact the last verse is very important, it shapes the life and reality. It also endures the gap between dreams and life.

I reply to Don with that. Hope he understand.

Thanks.

Anna
_________________

星子 · 发表于: 星期四二月 07, 2008 4:51 pm 发表主题:

revised it...

In the early morning,
a green recycle bin stands.

Before a mirror,
deliberately I scan it:
A string of black hairs faded,
shed and tangle among the pile of
dreams and sorrows,
together they drift . . .
Before decay,
they long to enrich gardens.

Day after day,
the empty recycle bin
survives life's trash.
_________________

ericcoliu · 发表于: 星期四二月 07, 2008 6:00 pm 发表主题:

The revised version is more succinct.

In the last stanza, "Day after day" would be better than "Day by day."
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Yes. Thank you, Eric.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

redshoe

星子 · 发表于: 星期三二月 13, 2008 10:29 pm 发表主题:

Thank you, redshoe.

Your name is cute.

I think each good poem must be fresh and unique.
_________________