酷我-北美枫

星子 · 酷我！I made it！ 注册时间: 2004-06-05 帖子: 13192 来自: Toronto

Note: When asked to write down what bothers them the most,
these kids hand in their papers with one word on them: DEATH!

Piercing through their sad eyes,
not poverty, nor the future;
their bare trunks tremble…

At funeral after funeral,
Africa’s hottest sun
fails to warm them.

Life, a striving skill,
gasps "PRAY!"

祷告深于呼吸

注：当被要求写下什么是最困扰他们的，这些孩子的纸上只有一个字：死

透过他们悲伤的眼神，
不是贫穷，也不是未来；
他们干瘦的躯体不断颤抖。。。

一个葬礼接着一个，
非洲最炙热的日头
也无法温暖他们。

生存，苦涩的技能
紧握着祷告。
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ericcoliu · 发表于: 星期四九月 20, 2007 7:59 pm 发表主题:

Two suggestions:

1. line 3 would be better to be re-written as follows: their bear trunks tremble ...
It is because you're talking about many African children.

2. The concluding line would be better to be re-written as follows: gasps "PRAY!"
It is because to gasp is to utter in a breathless manner while to grasp is to get hold of.
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Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul

Champagne · 发表于: 星期四九月 20, 2007 8:42 pm 发表主题:

In additions to ericcoliu's two suggestions, I add one more suggestion here:

The original title is a little awkward, and I think it would be better to be changed as follows: Prayer beyond Life.

It is because that would echo the main theme expressed in the poem in general, in the concluding stanza in particular.
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I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy.

星子 · 发表于: 星期四九月 20, 2007 9:53 pm 发表主题:

Thanks Eric & Champagne.

I do think if you two are not brothers then you are friends. Right?

Any way, both have good suggestions and help me a lot.

This one is my old one which I revised a few times still could not satisfy.

Thanks a lot for refining it.

For eric's suggestion, gasp, it works.

But my original meaning is they rely on praying and depend on praying because they have no other hope and strength.
So how to express this meaning? What title?

Prayer beyond Life. I think it works.
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Lake

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Hi Lake,

Thank you very much. Good points.

Still think it over, I try...
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

Champagne · 发表于: 星期日九月 23, 2007 10:32 am 发表主题:

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Hi Champagne & Lake,

I use Piercing ... since I suppose the death... piercing through them, not poverty, nor the worry of future... thus their bare trunks tremble...

because they could feel death soon be in front of them...

I am not sure if this works or not... please let me know. Thanks
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

Lake · 发表于: 星期日九月 23, 2007 9:54 pm 发表主题:

ericcoliu · 发表于: 星期一九月 24, 2007 10:42 am 发表主题:

星子 · 发表于: 星期二九月 25, 2007 8:07 am 发表主题:

Haha...

Lake, Eric, Champagne

你们给我出难题了....先放几天,我再想想 Very Happy

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