酷我-北美枫

星子 · 酷我！I made it！ 注册时间: 2004-06-05 帖子: 13192 来自: Toronto

图景》6号
社区麻将阵

李加建

四条腿的麻将桌当然稳定
小小的明争暗斗之后
洗牌声宣示和谐

也就是一些亲戚和朋友
来此补偿升官发财未了的夙愿
或是一些官场商场的得意和失意者
离退休之后，到此尽未尽的余兴，且
绝对平安，人际关系已简化为东南西北
搏杀只在一平方米的牌桌上
即使付出代价，壮烈牺牲，也只是一些
以“人民”命名的
小金额纸币
而不是你我这些血肉之躯的人民

难得糊涂么？
辽阔深远的天空
已缩减为
头上
一面爬满苍蝇的屋顶

Scene of a Community Mahjong Array

With four legs, Mahjong tables are stable
even after open and sometimes secret strife.
The shufflling sounds declare harmony.

They are just friends and relatives,
or businessmen and politicians who,
in their ups or downs, come here to realize
their unfinished wish of being rich,
They all come to enjoy the moment,
relax in an absolutely safe way.

With social relationships simplified
to East, West, South of one square table.
They fight and sacrifice. The toll is just
some paper money of small face value named "people" ,
not people with real flesh and blood like you and me.

It is hard to be muddle headed?
The broad sky above
has shrunk into a small roof
crawling with flies.

(thanks for Mark and 非马's help)
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Lake · 发表于: 星期五六月 01, 2007 12:09 am 发表主题:

星子，

先提一小条：

中间有些句子太超长，影响美观，是否能重新组合一下？

个见。

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

谢谢Lake... When editing, it is not that long sentence, but it shows without line break.

So I changed it again to break the line.
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

星子 · 发表于: 星期五六月 01, 2007 11:15 am 发表主题:

明天带去诗歌作坊和TOPS 诗人探讨一下。

可惜每次只能一首。。。
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Lake · 发表于: 星期一六月 04, 2007 10:04 pm 发表主题:

Mark 确实帮译文捋顺了。

唉，有时对翻译真不知怎么说好。

简而言之，个人觉得译文有些地方不太确切，特别是第一二段。
可能是对原文的理解，或是对译文的处理以及取舍的不同所引起的如此感觉？

不必在意，个人看法而已。

非马 · 发表于: 星期四六月 14, 2007 4:40 pm 发表主题:

匆匆读过，几点小建议：

1. Scene of the(or a?) Community Mahjong Array
2. 未了的夙愿-- "unfinished wishes" or "unfinished ambitions"？
3. 原诗的“人际关系已简化为东南西北”比译诗简洁。或竟可直译为
with social relationships simplified to East, West, South, and North
4. small paper money named "people",
not the person with true flesh like you and me.

some paper money of small face value named "people" ,
not people with real flesh and blood like you and me.
(这里 "people"虽离“paper money" 远了些，但同“小额”扯上点关系也有讽刺的味道，一笑)
5.It is hard to be muddle headed?
The broad sky above
shrinks into a fly-filled roof.

Is it hard to be muddle headed? (我太清楚原诗句在这里的用意)
The broad sky above
has shrunk into a small roof
crawling with flies. (原诗的“一面”也不如“一小片”准确)

星子 · 发表于: 星期四六月 14, 2007 6:12 pm 发表主题:

谢谢非马老师...

我回头好好看看
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星子 · 发表于: 星期五六月 15, 2007 9:23 am 发表主题:

非马老师, 细细读了,,,你的建议很有道理.

重改了一下.

谢谢了!
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