酷我-北美枫

[ZY]

As I bid farewell to all the bystanders
Streaming sun light through hovering clouds
Opened my heart with a slashing wave.
Eyes wide, reckoning suddenly the hour
And the passing minutes, I recognized a place
Where daily grind has vaporized
All the repeated memories in the coming and going.

Four winds they say, and several seasons, us surround.
A year is but 10 months and more weeks
Of clocks wound and unwound. Of happiness
I an explanation still want.
Two cheers and three wanton nights
Might yet prove dry and flat as lowly dirt ground.

Hail! A line of fair women had us
Farewell bidden, without meaning
Anything too well, nor mean, nor clinging.
Fortune a friend only is, or was,
When we strive, and we drive,
And we try and we pry, as we gripe.
So better I me a bystander first make,
Lest my next lover me a stand-in derides.

6/5/2007

[[ZY]]

As I bid farewell to all the bystanders
Streaming sun light through hovering clouds
Opened my heart with a slashing wave.
Eyes wide, reckoning suddenly the hour
And the passing minutes, I recognized a place
Where daily grind has vaporized
All the repeated memories in the coming and going.

Four winds they say, and several seasons, us surround.
A year is but 10 months and more weeks
Of clocks wound and unwound. Of happiness
I an explanation still want.
Two cheers and three wanton nights
Might yet prove dry and flat as lowly dirt ground.

Hail! A line of fair women had us
Farewell bidden, without meaning
Anything too well, nor mean, nor clinging.
Fortune a friend only is, or was,
When we strive, and we drive,
And we try and we pry, as we gripe.
So better I me a bystander first make,
Lest my next lover me a stand-in derides.

6/5/2007

[Lake]

I like how you describe "sun light" and "clouds" as

"streaming sun light", "hovering clouds".

Your word order also interests me. Besides the rhymes and emphasis it creates, it keeps the reader lingering on these lines...

Good rhythm and rhyme here:

When we strive, and we drive,
And we try and we pry, as we gripe.
So better I me a bystander first make,
Lest my next lover me a stand-in derides.

[[Lake]]

I like how you describe "sun light" and "clouds" as

"streaming sun light", "hovering clouds".

Your word order also interests me. Besides the rhymes and emphasis it creates, it keeps the reader lingering on these lines...

Good rhythm and rhyme here:

When we strive, and we drive,
And we try and we pry, as we gripe.
So better I me a bystander first make,
Lest my next lover me a stand-in derides.

[ZY]

Lake,

Thanks. This was a fun exercise, playing with words and various puns, nuance of meaing. In this aspect (amibiguity) English is far richer and more flexible than Chinese.

Cheers.

ZY

[[ZY]]

Lake,

Thanks. This was a fun exercise, playing with words and various puns, nuance of meaing. In this aspect (amibiguity) English is far richer and more flexible than Chinese.

Cheers.

ZY

[戴玨]

[[Edgar]]

[ZY]

[[ZY]]

[星子]

这首我得好好琢磨...学习...
_________________

[[ANNA]]

这首我得好好琢磨...学习...
_________________

[Lake]

[[Lake]]

[Lake]

ZY,

感觉你对词序的调转掌握得得心应手，学习。
现代英语诗，这种倒装好像不大提倡，是吗？

诗中的 ambiguity 能否给解析一下？好领略领略其中中文难以表述的地方。

Have a good weekend,

Lake

[[Lake]]

ZY,

感觉你对词序的调转掌握得得心应手，学习。
现代英语诗，这种倒装好像不大提倡，是吗？

诗中的 ambiguity 能否给解析一下？好领略领略其中中文难以表述的地方。

Have a good weekend,

Lake

[ZY]

我的草草直譯:

As I bid farewell to all the bystanders
當我告別，向所有旁觀者
Streaming sun light through hovering clouds
川流之陽光越經浮壓的層雲
Opened my heart with a slashing wave.
剖開*我心，以切割之波**
Eyes wide, reckoning suddenly the hour
雙眼睜大，突然認知鐘點
And the passing minutes, I recognized a place
以及流走的分鐘，我認出一個所在
Where daily grind has vaporized
於此每日的拖磨早已氣化了
All the repeated memories in the coming and going.
所有重複的記憶於來去中

Four winds they say, and several seasons, us surround.
四向的風他們說，以及幾個季節，包圍我們
A year is but 10 months and more weeks
一載不過是十個月及幾個星期的
Of clocks wound and unwound. Of happiness
時鐘上緊發條又再鬆開。於歡樂
I an explanation still want.
我還需要一個解析
Two cheers and three wanton nights
兩聲乾杯和三夜荒唐
Might yet prove dry and flat*** as lowly dirt ground.
祇怕還只是淪為既乾且平的低下的泥土地

Hail! A line of fair women had us
嘿!一長隊美麗的女人已經對我們
Farewell bidden, without meaning
道過別啦，但沒存
Anything too well, nor mean, nor clinging.
什麼好意，或惡意，也沒捨不得之意
Fortune a friend only is, or was,
幸運是個朋友，或曾是，僅只
When we strive, and we drive,
當我們奮力，或我們前衝
And we try and we pry, as we gripe****.
我們嘗試我們突破，當我們緊握。
So better I me a bystander first make,
以此我最好還是先把自己變成個旁觀者
Lest my next lover me a stand-in derides.
免得我下個戀人譏嘲我是個替代角色

*"Open my heart", 聯想的是"open-heart surgery"(開心手術),因此下面用"slashing"
(剖切)

**wave: 可指波,也可指擺手,或劃過的手勢.

***dry 可以形容禁酒的城鎮、也可以形容酒的"乾度"(不甜的程度)。
flat 常用來形容不怎麼樣的啤酒，有時也兼用到其他酒類、甚至餐點。
此處雙關，同時修飾下面的泥土地 dirt ground。dirt 指地上的沙土，也指不好的
隱私或扯爛污、甚至犯罪之事。

****gripe 指緊握、也指咕噥埋怨。

[[ZY]]

我的草草直譯:

As I bid farewell to all the bystanders
當我告別，向所有旁觀者
Streaming sun light through hovering clouds
川流之陽光越經浮壓的層雲
Opened my heart with a slashing wave.
剖開*我心，以切割之波**
Eyes wide, reckoning suddenly the hour
雙眼睜大，突然認知鐘點
And the passing minutes, I recognized a place
以及流走的分鐘，我認出一個所在
Where daily grind has vaporized
於此每日的拖磨早已氣化了
All the repeated memories in the coming and going.
所有重複的記憶於來去中

Four winds they say, and several seasons, us surround.
四向的風他們說，以及幾個季節，包圍我們
A year is but 10 months and more weeks
一載不過是十個月及幾個星期的
Of clocks wound and unwound. Of happiness
時鐘上緊發條又再鬆開。於歡樂
I an explanation still want.
我還需要一個解析
Two cheers and three wanton nights
兩聲乾杯和三夜荒唐
Might yet prove dry and flat*** as lowly dirt ground.
祇怕還只是淪為既乾且平的低下的泥土地

Hail! A line of fair women had us
嘿!一長隊美麗的女人已經對我們
Farewell bidden, without meaning
道過別啦，但沒存
Anything too well, nor mean, nor clinging.
什麼好意，或惡意，也沒捨不得之意
Fortune a friend only is, or was,
幸運是個朋友，或曾是，僅只
When we strive, and we drive,
當我們奮力，或我們前衝
And we try and we pry, as we gripe****.
我們嘗試我們突破，當我們緊握。
So better I me a bystander first make,
以此我最好還是先把自己變成個旁觀者
Lest my next lover me a stand-in derides.
免得我下個戀人譏嘲我是個替代角色

*"Open my heart", 聯想的是"open-heart surgery"(開心手術),因此下面用"slashing"
(剖切)

**wave: 可指波,也可指擺手,或劃過的手勢.

***dry 可以形容禁酒的城鎮、也可以形容酒的"乾度"(不甜的程度)。
flat 常用來形容不怎麼樣的啤酒，有時也兼用到其他酒類、甚至餐點。
此處雙關，同時修飾下面的泥土地 dirt ground。dirt 指地上的沙土，也指不好的
隱私或扯爛污、甚至犯罪之事。

****gripe 指緊握、也指咕噥埋怨。

[ZY]

Lake,

Other than words with multiple meanings, in a couple of places, I tried to utilized word-connections:

In the 3rd paragraph:
"Hail! A line of fair women had us
Farewell bidden, without meaning
Anything too well, nor mean, nor clinging."

fair==>farewell==>well
meaning==>mean
==>clinging

And, of course, bystander==>stand-in.

These are little devices that in some way enrich the poem, and increase the sense that the poem has an internal connection among its parts.

ZY
p.s. I think there is less use of inverted sentence structure. But they are not out--there're some in Catherine Greenwood.

[[ZY]]

Lake,

Other than words with multiple meanings, in a couple of places, I tried to utilized word-connections:

In the 3rd paragraph:
"Hail! A line of fair women had us
Farewell bidden, without meaning
Anything too well, nor mean, nor clinging."

fair==>farewell==>well
meaning==>mean
==>clinging

And, of course, bystander==>stand-in.

These are little devices that in some way enrich the poem, and increase the sense that the poem has an internal connection among its parts.

ZY
p.s. I think there is less use of inverted sentence structure. But they are not out--there're some in Catherine Greenwood.

[Lake]

Holy cow!

You and 博弈 must be twins in one way or the other. Just kidding.

是啊， 译成中文，多义和 word connection 好像都不见了。

谢谢你的详解！

[[Lake]]

Holy cow!

You and 博弈 must be twins in one way or the other. Just kidding.

是啊， 译成中文，多义和 word connection 好像都不见了。

谢谢你的详解！