酷我-北美枫

星子 · 酷我！I made it！ 注册时间: 2004-06-05 帖子: 13192 来自: Toronto

----new one with English (Shakespearian)- "abab cdcd efef gg"

This early spring is alive with desire.
Willows dangle fresh twigs that softly sing
beside the stream where reeds flaunt bright green fire
and hugging the shore, a swan preens its wing.

As I wander alone, thinking of you,
Polar trees whisper and flocks of birds soar.
My footsteps descend in cascades of blue,
I wonder where we'd join wings of our core.

But this moment’s that I cannot forget,
Love and being loved to embrace each scene.
When time goes by, I will never regret
I’ve witnessed each moment with its own sheen.

Petals will wither and wings will be worn,
I'd rather treasure this moment than mourn.

---old---
When desire awakens this early spring,
Slim willows dangle fresh twigs and gently sing.
Streams rise in soft reeds bed with sprouting green ;
Near the shore, swans comb their feathers and cling.

As I wander alone, thinking of you,
each footstep descends in cascades of blue.
Polar trees whisper and flocks of birds soar.
I wonder where we'd join wings of our core.
But this moment is that I can breathe in,
Loving and being loved to embrace each scene.

When time goes by, I will never forget
I have lived each moment without regret.
Petals will wither and wings will be worn,
I'd rather treasure this moment than mourn.

---------------欢迎提意见...谢谢交流..
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hepingdao · 发表于: 星期六一月 27, 2007 10:34 pm 发表主题:

sweet poem
Very Happy

戴玨 · 发表于: 星期六一月 27, 2007 10:59 pm 发表主题:

韻不是很整齊。
soar和souls，forget和regrets，worn和bygones。重讀元音後面的音并不完全相同。

Lake · 发表于: 星期六一月 27, 2007 11:23 pm 发表主题:

Pretty good. Nice try.

What form of sonnet is this?

I don't care too much of the restricted rime scheme, contemporary poets often vary it or employ near rhymes or even compose freestyle fourteen-line sonnets. But I feel there are too many "ings" as the end rhymes in your first quatrain.

Good effort.

星子 · 发表于: 星期日一月 28, 2007 12:25 am 发表主题:

Thanks all.

谢谢交流...第一次写,,,没有很仔细地核查字典....

感觉Sonnet 写起来不是很流畅,不象我的其它诗,一般10-20分钟完成....这首,我在不停地计算字节(每行10个,,,,和行数....) 有点拼游戏一样

戴老师,想再请教...:forget和regret 应该是同韵吧....SOAR/SOUL 我改成 SOAR/CORE... 不知是否可以.... worn/bygone 我找不到更好的... 你的建议呢?

Lake, you are right. Some of my poems have the same issue. 调整了一下..谢谢

想问一下,,,我不应分节,是不是? 分节就不能算SONNET?
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戴玨 · 发表于: 星期日一月 28, 2007 4:56 am 发表主题:

星子 · 发表于: 星期日一月 28, 2007 12:03 pm 发表主题:

戴老师...谢谢你...

最后一句改得很好...我也想到MOURN...只是没想到这样改...

我没注意到自己用了couplet...我来看看...以前从没在意格律詩....
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星子 · 发表于: 星期日一月 28, 2007 1:19 pm 发表主题:

再次改了一下,,,严格按 English (Shakespearian)- "abab cdcd efef gg"

希望批评指正...
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Lake · 发表于: 星期日一月 28, 2007 4:42 pm 发表主题:

It is much neater and pleasing to the eye after the polish.

Besides the rime scheme, another important element in sonnets is the turn in the poem, where theme or conflict is addressed and resolved. In Shakespearean sonnets, a surprising turn of events occurs in the ending couplet. I think that is what you are trying to do.

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Thanks Lake.

Yes. You are right. I made a turn point there...
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

星子 · 发表于: 星期一一月 29, 2007 8:17 pm 发表主题:

This poem is also inspired by Atwood's poem: Iconic Landscape

The girl with the gorgon touch
Stretches a glad hand to each
New piper peddling beds of rose
Hoping to find within her reach

At last, a living wrist and arm
Petals that will crush and fade
But always she meets a marbled flesh
A fixing eye, a stiffened form
Where leaves turn spears along the glade

Behind, a line of statues stands
All with the same white oval face
And attitude of outstretched hands
Curved in an all-too-perfect grace
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anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

From other poets:

You have the number of syllables done, but the iamb (stresses) are all wrong for this to be a truly effective English sonnet. In my experience, the thing that makes Shakespearian sonnets so difficult is the use of iambic pentameter:

daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM.

You start out okay:

This early spring

but then come apart halfway through the first sentence and stumble on from there with mixed success.

But you picked up on one of the more effective devices which is that third strophe "turning point"; yet, I wonder if anyone will ever find a better first third strophe word than yet...but upon subsequent reads I see that it is not much of a turning point after all. The yet is deceptive. S3 is more in keeping with the tone of the previous two, i.e. alive with desire (metaphoric within its pastoral context though it may be); thinking of you...where we'd be joined; love and being loved...your true turning point seems to come in the final couplet which also does what a good couplet should do, summing up the body while resonating profundity.

And really, this is not a bad "first sonnet" at all. I'd have given you a B in class simply because your sonics are sweet and your love theme tugs at the heart strings, particularly in the ending couplet.

My main suggestion would be to continue to work on your iambic pentameter (there are many websites devoted to this); secondary would be to give the third strophe more of a shift in theme and tone.

Nice job. Very pretty.

Live, Love, Laugh & be Happy,
Smikes
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com